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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entirely my own fault but AIBU to be upset?

99 replies

ChunkyStory · 29/07/2015 21:08

I looked at the texts on my dh phone and found one from his brother which made a snide remark:
DB: I bet Chunkystory had five courses at the meal
DH: Close, she had three plus the coffee and chocolate.
It was an aside in a text conversation about going to a football match and then a meal out.
I have recently put on A LOT of weight (three stone). I have always had food issues and I am very overweight. It's my own doing and is a result of loving food and not exercise, however I think it's fair to say that I am practically enslaved to our family with no time for me to pursue my own interests/exercise. Ironically, today is the beginning of trying to get hold of myself and make changes and then I found this.
The most upsetting thing is that my dh effectively 'joined in'. He could have ignored it but he didn't. I know I am being unreasonable for snooping but he is always on his phone and very uncommunicative so I took a chance to check.

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere · 30/07/2015 08:37

I was about to post similar to lurkedforever. Just last night me and DH were discussing the sheer volume of food I manage to put away despite me being (literally) half his size. I did remark that if I had no self control at all I'd be morbidly obese as I LOVE food but I didn't even think to take offence at his remark.

I guess it's a combination of all of the above...

Reading his phone is a risk you'll read thinks you don't like (and possible out of context) and it'd hard to 'place' something in text rather than face to face with body language etc

Partly that you seem unhappy with your weight and if you are starting a fresh then go you!

He may of meant it innocently he may be an insensitive twat. I guess without us knowing you its hard for us to judge x

spanky2 · 30/07/2015 08:42

I am working my way through a great book, if you binge eat it's great. Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr Christopher Fairburn. Your dh and his brother were really disrespectful. I'd be furious! I'm overweight because I am an emotional, binge eater, if that helps!

bigbumtheory · 30/07/2015 08:59

I think given the context that you and your dh have some very big issues to either work through or call time with.

Serious question, do you still like and love your dh? Do you respect him? Because im not sure I could do any of those with a man who barely asked how I was, showed a lack of caring and like to wind up and upset.

Can you even speak to him about how you feel?

Ahemily · 30/07/2015 09:02

YANBU, that's really cruel Thanks

StarsInTheNightSky · 30/07/2015 09:03

I would be furious, and DH and I never make glib jokes at each others expense, let alone to other people. Angry

happystory · 30/07/2015 09:09

I too am concerned about your use of the word 'enslaved'. No one should feel like that. Do you mean you do all the domestic stuff and he never helps? I think you should cut back on doing stuff and see what happens.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 30/07/2015 09:43

People often say that if you snoop you run the risk of seeing things you don't like. While that is undoubtedly true, you often see things that you need to know. Ignorance is not bliss.

People normally only go through phones etc when their instincts are telling them that something isn't quite right.

Finding out something painful about a loved one is an awful feeling but not knowing about it doesn't mean you aren't being damaged - it just means you are ignorant of the precise nature of the harm and cannot take steps to protect yourself.

Personally I can't envision the circumstances in which this text exchange wasn't a dig at the OP and you could tie yourself up in knots trying to find a way to justify and explain his behaviour but I think the OP would be fooling herself. He and his brother are not nice men.

Original poster
ChunkyStory · 30/07/2015 11:07

The reason I said 'enslaved' is because I never get any time to pursue my own interests. The last time I went out was to see Skyfall when it first came out in the cinema (so 2011 or 12?). I have three young children and am exhausted. By 9pm I don't really want to start an exercise routine and I do overeat for comfort. It isn't so much the weight thing I focus on but more the implied disparaging remark (which could have been any aspect of my character/faults).
He's rarely here to help with domestic stuff but he's not too shabby about washing up/ironing.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/07/2015 11:55

Okay you should not have looked at his phone. I'm like a mother lion with her cubs with my phone, and I'm not hiding anything but even so. It's mine. I didn't give you my permission to touch it so hands off, darling
However perhaps it is a good thing that you have done because you have seen your DH for the prick that he is. I know your bil made the initial comment but he is a non entity him.
But your DH should have jumped to your defence, not gone along with the mocking.

CarrotVan · 30/07/2015 12:12

It sounds like you have other issues with your husband to be honest.

In terms of finding the time and energy to exercise - it is hard! But exercise breeds energy and you'll have more energy as you lose the weight so it will get easier. Could you find 20-30 minutes a day and start with one of the 7 minute workout programmes? Or a step challenge with a pedometer?

Set yourself small goals, look at measurements as well as weight so even if you add muscle tone you still see a trackable improvement week by week.

Do you need some accountability around food? Maybe start a personal healthy eating blog to track your progress and link up with other people doing similar things so you have community support - you don't need to tell your husband or his brother.

Or try a weight loss programme like Slimmers World - I've heard such good things about it

JamAndClottedCream · 30/07/2015 12:29

Oh op that is horrible to find. I would be really upset too.

Wasn't there a thread a few years ago where the op read her dps texts to discover him and his female best friend were making digs about the op's weight? I'm sure I remember that somewhere l. It turned into a bloodbath IIRC.

MagicMojito · 30/07/2015 12:46

youareallbonkers that really is quite harsh on the OP, its not quite as clear as "if you have time to eat you have time to exercise" and I'm guessing that you know that. Eating something that has hundreds of calories can take a matter of minutes. Burning off the calories is much more effort and a hell of a lot more time consuming, and that's without the added fact that a lot of people need to be in a certain frame of mind to even get to the point of exercising.

DamnBamboo · 30/07/2015 13:27

Snooping never ends well!

DamnBamboo · 30/07/2015 13:34

I really don't think that the text exchange is that bad.
The OP said she has recently put on three stone. That is a big weight gain and people will notice. My mum and her sister were once commenting on my cousin's weight gain, in a completely matter of fact way, but only becuase it was so noticeable and she had been eating an awful lot.
Was it followed by images of cake/wine bottles/smilies etc.. If so then that is not on, but I don't think it's that big of a deal.

Why are you enslaved to your family? I work FT and have four kids and i still find time to exercise. A three stone weight gain requires serious effort on your part and in the absence of true hunger, I would suggest you take a step back, reflect on what is pushing you to do this and go from there. And more importantly...be kind to yourself! You are still you!

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 30/07/2015 13:45

The weight gain doesn't excuse the husband colluding with his brother to mock her. The OP knows the weight gain is an issue, but not as big an issue as being married to a shit

DamnBamboo · 30/07/2015 13:47

The weight gain doesn't excuse the husband colluding with his brother to mock her. The OP knows the weight gain is an issue, but not as big an issue as being married to a shit

Why is his response mocking? Have re-read it and I don't see the problem.

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock · 30/07/2015 13:53

If the sexes were reversed I find it easy to imagine a woman talking with her sister like this about her husband who has put on 3 stone in weight. In fact I've often seen threads by woman who were fed up about the weight their husbands have gained and talking in similar vein about the amount they eat.
Just saying, and yes, I DO know that 2 wrongs don't make a right. I just think that MN is less tolerant of men talking about their wives' weight than women about their husbands'. The OP's husband clearly doesn't say things to her face about how he feels and if she hadn't snooped on his phone she would have been none the wiser. Is it better to know or not to know? Will knowing act as an incentive to lose the weight or lead to comfort eating and exacerbate the problem, I wonder.

PrivatePike · 30/07/2015 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock · 30/07/2015 13:59

I've just seen Blu's post "It's interesting. I can imagine a text exchange after a meal out with my sister going 'I bet MrBlu had a whole bottle of wine, LOL' and my replying 'close! He had 3 glasses and a brandy' and there will be nothing to take offence at. And yet..."

Similar to what I was saying. People do talk like this to siblings (from observation - I'm an only child) and OP's weight gain is not a trivial one.

DamnBamboo · 30/07/2015 14:02

The last time I went out was to see Skyfall when it first came out in the cinema (so 2011 or 12?)

That's insane. Have you wanted to go out during this time? If not, then why not. I do know where you are coming from, I really do. I had three aged 4 and under at one point and my husband was working away from home from late Sunday/early Monday until Friday evening. This was for 10 months. Young children are knackering. But nobody is too busy for that period of time to do things for themselves once in a while.

DamnBamboo · 30/07/2015 14:03

to not do things for themselves

Sometimesjustonesecond · 30/07/2015 15:25

Its mocking because the brother is saying 'I bet she ate 5 courses' and the h is laughing with his 'close - 3' He wouldnt notice or care how much she ate if she was thin. Why would a bil be asking this under any circumstances other than to dig at the fat girl?

I agree that the weight gain is a problem. The OP knows this. But people over eat for many reasons, some of them complex and I don't think anyone was ever helped by having their h and bil bitch behind their back. That conversation wasn't motivated by concern - it was a cheap laugh at her expense.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 30/07/2015 15:30

grunt been thinking about your post and I think the difference between the text you would share with your sister and the bil/h text is that presumably you wouldn't joke about your husband's drinking if he had an alcohol problem, but they know the OP has a problem with overeating and they used it to bitch. There's nothing in the exchange which is about supporting her