Need help re kids behaviour

[Whattheuh]

They seem to lack any skills of behaving especially in public. For example we go to a cafe,one keeps walking around even tho asked to sit whilst eating his ice cream,the other sits beautifully whilst eating but proceed to jump around "like a gorilla" and try to climb on furniture.ignoring any telling off from myself.so we were there all of 10 min and they couldn't be good for that short time.then 2 year old starts screaming so decided to leave.I'm feeling down about it all,I have to shout their name so many times before they even answer,tell them to stop/not to do something is just ignored. We use time out(but never really been that effective)and take away screens etc but nothing changes.friends tells me all kids are the same,but are always mine the ones to misbehave all the time.and they can be very aggressive between them,7years old will hold his brother from the neck if he annoys him.feeling like crap at parenting.

X post, sorry that book didn't help OP.

Wolfie I've never used a sticker chart for general behaviour stuff, far too fiddly!

OP did they have a good run around before you got to the cafe? If not that might help. And we ALL have bad days, especially in the hols.

Could u make a treat box? So at the end of the week if he hasn't picked up sweets he get to pick a small toy from treat box. I usually buy party bag fillers as they live plastic tat

Don't worry its three young children - I often feel like I'm herding sheep when I'm out with my boys.

And iv lost my sheepdog

PurplePoodle,I ALWAYS say that!we really need a sheepdog,lol

I agree with IsItMeOr. Having three young kids is hard. It really is.

It's rare my three very young children are all behaving perfectly at the same time. Yours sound like they're just full of energy. Asking for stuff in the doctor's when they're bored and not being able to sit still in a cafe are not things that mean they are going to end up delinquents.

I tend to pick my battles or else I get sick of the sound of my own voice. Some things that aren't exactly naughty, more just annoying, I let slide, leaving my real wrath for the things that are downright insolent or dangerous.

Try not to worry too much Whattheuh. I think they'll grow up to be just fine.

Sounds like you're having a tough time!

This isn't a criticism, but what I read from your posts is that you are putting adult expectations onto you kids and then being upset that they're not meeting them.

So, for example, that thing at the doctors. ANY adult would know if you're talking to a GP or similar, it's incredibly important you hear everything they are telling you To your kid, it's no different to when you talk to another parent in the playground.

Your posts read to me like you are setting an agenda and then being disappointed that your DC aren't complying.

If you are off over the summer and have the time and patience to do this, then try NOT doing things you think of, but letting them lead the play. So no uncomfortable cafe scenes, but instead, building a den in the garden or similar.

Agree with a PP who said set them up to win, so create situations where you can comment positively on them/their behaviour.

Try to be VERY clear about the behaviour you want and expect. Children don't automatically know this. And be clear about the consequences if they don't meet it - try to give them a choice.

Good luck!

A couple of books I found helpful are Playful Parenting and also Lovebombing (that's a one-one thing though - helpful for when you feel you need to re-build a relationship with one of your DC).

Well.....started today all positive, went outdoors for a few hour,all was fine.until the time came to go home, 5 year old runs ahead to the car, when I get there he had trown a big stone on the car and cracked the front mirror hit another car too but luckily no damage there.I am speechless.

Why didn't you grab him when he started to bolt?
Make him hold your hand near the car?

He didn't bold,we were walking thru a field and he's allowed to run in there as its safe.

But he ran to the car. Not safe?

Small car park,straight from the field.running ahead isn't the problem!throwing stones at the car is!

But if he hadn't run on ahead you'd be there in time to stop him throwing the stone.

So what is the consequence for that behaviour going to be? It needs to be something pretty serious because 5 is definitely old enough to know that you don't throw stones at anything or anyone.

So Wolfie,I should never allow my children to run in a open space?if I knew what he was going to do I wouldn't have let him but I don't read minds....
For now he's going to stay in his room,no screens etc,will prob get a smack on his bottom where DH gets home.

Thinking to cancel a friend's visit tomorrow as well.

Smacking won't help.
You don't need to read minds but anticipating possible issues would help.

This wasn't a possible issue until today,would never think he would do that.

Smacking won't help.

You need to sit down with your kids and come up with clear, positive incentives to behave. Eg. When we're in the field, you stay in the field. When we're in a restaurant you stay in your chair, thus is rewarded by pudding, or a sticker. Loose the negative language.

I would go apoplectic wrt the car btw, and sitting in his room with no screens is a good idea. But only for a short time, max 2 hours. After that point it loses meaning. Once he's out, you forget about it and move on. Eg "come and sit nicely at the table with your legs under the chair and sat up ready for tea". This is instead of "come and have your tea, don't get up and don't mess with your food". The second version is much more negative and plants ideas in kids heads.

I also suggest you speak with your dh and come at the problem with a clear structured, collaborative approach. The kids need to know they will get the same treatment from both parents.

Thanks Penelope. He didn't get a smack but has been in his room since we came back around 3,and will start there today,bar dinner obv.really have to work on the positive language.

Good luck to you, I hope you see and improvement in your kids behaviour.

How about you chat with dh tonight and make a plan?

I think running ahead in a safe place is fine, usually. But if mine had been that naughty I would make them hold my hand for a long time, say a month, every time we were out as I would tell them they had behaved too badly to be trusted. I did that with DS once when he ran across a road aged five.

Do you give an expected behaviour chat? Yes we can go for icecream if you sit nicely at the table. If you run/scream/shout we will leave without it.... any questions? Then do it. Say `we are leaving because ... stick to your word. Dont make idiol threats ... time out/5 mins is for later stage ... start with immediate consequences. Every kids has a price. If you end up leaving ,.. next time they ask say ... do.you remember last time we had to leave?

What worked wonders is when out ... i would never shout .. just whisper `wait til we get home ... then silence ... they hate it.