Need help re kids behaviour

[Whattheuh]

They seem to lack any skills of behaving especially in public. For example we go to a cafe,one keeps walking around even tho asked to sit whilst eating his ice cream,the other sits beautifully whilst eating but proceed to jump around "like a gorilla" and try to climb on furniture.ignoring any telling off from myself.so we were there all of 10 min and they couldn't be good for that short time.then 2 year old starts screaming so decided to leave.I'm feeling down about it all,I have to shout their name so many times before they even answer,tell them to stop/not to do something is just ignored. We use time out(but never really been that effective)and take away screens etc but nothing changes.friends tells me all kids are the same,but are always mine the ones to misbehave all the time.and they can be very aggressive between them,7years old will hold his brother from the neck if he annoys him.feeling like crap at parenting.

Be consistent whatever u choose to do. We have set rules. Counting works.for us It took couple of weeks establish but now they respond (usually) on count of 1 - they never listen if I just shout their names.

I tend to to be strict. Jumping around ice cream shop would have got a count at 2 though I would remind them if I get to three the ice creams go in the bin and we leave. It did take a couple of big incidents like this and a couple of evening in bedrooms to understand there was no bluffing.

With my 6 year old I usually do remind him at count of 2 that he can make good choice or bad choice and get a three and tell him the consequence of this. I'm trying to reinforce these descions are in his control so if he chooses continue bad behaviour he has only himself to blame.

We have all sorts of incentives built in for DS.

So he has a lego reward chart, where he earns points for doing the things we want him to do, and when he has enough points he gets some lego he wants.

His morning routine is structured around his love of screen time - when he has eaten breakfast, brushed teeth and got dressed, he can have his screen time. On a school day - when time is limited - the quicker he does it, the longer screen time he gets.

His bedtime routine is that he will always have 10 minutes of story with one of us. If he does the routine happily (ie without fuss and nagging) he has 5 extra minutes - and we can take away a minute at a time if he needs bringing back on track.

Not sure if any of these ideas will work for you, but thought I would share just in case.

In case like that where u have mixed behaviour. I count ones misbehaving then they loose 5 mins off bedtime - very effective with ds2 (4) and screen time for ds1 (6)

OK,another example.had to take them with me to a doctor app.started with them wanting to take their scooters to go there,I told them if they went too far and didn't stop when I called them I would take away the scooter.at the doctor they were interrupting,one tried to touch medical things,then tried to lie down on the doctors bed thingy,took his shoes off.the other one asking for chewing gum,standing between me and doctor.obv was telling them off,but was so embarrassed at their manners.and had to stop talking every 2 sec ,no x stop doing that,get away from there etc etc.

What would you do in that situation?

And keep couting. Ds2 has made it to 20 mins off bedtime before admitting defeat in public.

Pick your battles. sometimes its easy to get into the habit of saying no over and over about things that actually aren't that important so when something really important that you don't want them to do comes along it just sounds like all the other times.

they are 7 and 5 and quite capable of understanding what you are saying. so with the café as an example, speak to them before hand about how you expect them to behave. make it really clear. when you get there remind them briefly. there is no need to keep saying no. if you got in and one of them started climbing on the furniture then the warning has already been given so you leave. now this isn't easy I realise this but eventually they will get the message. You can use sticker/reward charts but along with the carrot goes the stick in my book so you have to have a suitable punishment. whatever it is, warn them you are now doing x because of their behaviour previously. do it and stick to it.

I get bored and fed up hearing the "no don't do that " parents as they wander round the shops so goodness only knows what the kids hearing this think about it. only you can break the cycle.

Take them home and give the other two ice cream at home?

Instead of saying "don't run" say "sit down". Reframes it in a positive way as to what you do want them to do. And also I running through and repeating ad nauseum how you expect them to behave and the reward they will get for behaving and the consequence for misbehaving. Eg at home : We are going out blah blah I expect you to blah blah and if you do we will go to park. If you don't no park. Before you get out the car, repeat.

Do you have a "look" of don't mess with me or this shit will get bad real quick? You need to perfect it.

And for the 2 year old - distraction, toys, wee books, stickers. Buy a travel wallet on Amazon for £2, fill it with wee bits and take it everywhere with you.

You always need a consequence up your sleeve. It can be keep behaving so well and we can do x later.
After they've eaten then sit down or else you can't watch the film later, make pizza, play in the garden, have paints out.

In the doctors, I would have had something for DS to do that I could guarantee would distract him while I did the necessary (tablet for DS).

Ah the Dr's. Bribery bribery. Ds1 takes his 3ds, ds2 get ipad, ds3 get peppa pig on phone (usually strap ds2&3 in double buggy at doctors) otherwise have exact same situation u described

You seem to spend a lot of time telling them off but with no follow up.

Thanks for the answers.Purple,but what if they start misbehaving after having eaten the ice cream?leaving wouldn't really matter then.not keen on reward charts as tried them before and it was all about the gain,rather then behaving because its right.but good idea about reminding them they have a choice before getting to three.

I would leave, go straight home and they would be put on time out. Or would do it in the car. I would strap them all in and let them sit

Stop repeating yourself/shouting. They tune it out. Say what you want them to do in a positive way. Then, if they don't respond, I say [DS's name] repeat what you want them to do in exactly the same way. Then count to 3, consequence kicks in at 3.

I am not above using bribery where I need an instant reaction - I also trust DS enough to be able to explain to him that I need his help to do x (e.g. get to the doctor on time).

If they start misbehaving after finishing the ice cream they get told in no uncertain terms to sit down and distracted with right what will we do next who wants to go to the park, shall we go home and play a game oh look its raining I want to bake a cake.

Essentially pretend you are Mr Tumble - bright, cheery, distracting and FIRM. Lower your voice if you have to, I really do, I speak v high pitched normally.

Wolfie I do follow up,not sure why you say that.on way back had to take scooter off one as run too far ahead,and had to hold my hand till we got home as tried to hit me,even tho kept pulling aand complaining,then had time out when we got home.cafe I left when they misbehaved,but they had their ice cream by then.so reinforce rules,notice good behaviour.will write this down

Our experience with reward charts is it's about getting the things you reward right. We had no real success until we realised that DS needs micro rewards to help him/us get through the day. That's part of his ASD, but the principal I think can be generalised to all DC - you need to get the reward right to incentivise each of your DCs.

Probably make older 2 tidy bedrooms/sittingroom if it had been super bad behaviour. Or if iv had to continually count and one has shown incredibly rude behaviour - spitting was a fav a little while back. It's in bedroom for rest evening.

Any ideas about picking up sweets etc around.can't get thru on how wrong it is!

OP - I think that sounds like you handled things fine. Part of this could be that you are expecting it to be easier than this - it might not be. Parenting can be hard work ime!

Thanks isitme just feels like its always my kids!

Sweets -maybe nasty germs and a big EWWWW drop it now its a germ bomb or something?? Like a joke of it?

You need to get strict, your kids aren't listening to you. My guess they've tuned out and know that there won't be consequences so carry on regardless.

Like pps said, impose quick consequences. Leave the cafe even if they've eaten. Take the ice cream away from them and go.

Re doctors, distraction. You need a saying that will bring them in line, I know mine was a tone if voice that said 'don't fuck with me!'.