APOLOGIES for the long post.... thanks for patience.
Both DH's and my families are overseas, except for DH's sister, her husband and their 3 children ages 13, 10 and 4. They both don't work and live off a generous allowance from SIL's MIL which includes 4 bedroom house in prime postcode, private school fees, full time live in cook/nanny, multiple long haul holidays a year etc. Whereas DH and I have 2 kids under 5, no outside childcare, living on half our former household income: we have the same qualifications and used to have the same job and salary, but I had to give up work after DC2 as childcare costs are equal to my salary. You may think this is a situation creating a lot of envy on my part but I can honestly say that I am quite contented to leave others be as long as we are left to get on with our lives in peace.
SIL and husband have several nights out during the week - movies, restaurants, concerts etc., and they host dinner parties regularly for their social group. All 3 of her children sleep with the nanny. We don't use babysitters ourselves so don't see anyone in the evenings, and our only free time are weekends as a family after housework and errands. SIL likes to arrange meetings on weekends and especially Sundays when her live-in has her off day. She texts or phones every week and it is always difficult to turn her down. We don't do very much socially ourselves and after housework and childcare, we simply don't have much free time left as a family. It has been a long term strain on our time and relationship whenever she suggests meeting up and we have to say no. So far we have managed to keep it to every other weekend. Put in perspective we see our close friends only once or twice a year.
When we do meet it's the whole day at their place - we would arrive an hour before lunch, as requested, "to let the kids play", and often find the adults still in bed. We would then mind their kids for a hour or so before SIL or her husband eventually comes downstairs. And only then they start prepping lunch, or driving to the supermarket, leaving all 3 kids with us, which also means we often eat at 2 or 3pm. We have always brought something to complement their meals but recently I have started to bring a full mains and sides so that the children can start eating nearer their usual lunchtime.
She has been making more requests than usual in recent months and in the last 5 weeks we have seen her family 4 weekends. We only didn't go that 5th time as DH had to work. DH took a day off yesterday (Monday) which was planned months ago so we could go away to a B&B for a long weekend holiday Sat-Mon as a family. DH told SIL about our holiday on the Friday before our holiday, and she asked if she could join us. DH said "ok whatever you like".
I was very upset when I found out. DH said he couldn't say anything else to her as he feels that his sister is always very keen on meeting us, and we are the ones saying no to her all the time. He then added how she has said that it's only because she wants the cousins to play together, that she was only thinking for the children, and lastly that she would like her children to be closer to their uncle.
To DH his sister sounds like she lives for her children, and DH buys that wholesale - but I am not so convinced. She doesn't do the morning school runs, they have home tutors, and all 3 children have after school activities 4 out of 5 days. She has intentionally planned trips, day-outs, and birthday parties for her older children excluding her youngest child and had left him with us instead. It seems that she can't cope with the youngest whenever the nanny is on her day-off.
DH is the 3rd child and SIL is the oldest. I feel that he has been under her thumb all his life but I don't want myself and my family to be under hers. I believe him when he says he doesn't want to see her as much as she wants to see us, but his preferred solution is whichever that is least work for him, which is to skip the negotiation and to just do whatever she wants to do. She can be described as persistent while he is passive. I do realise that a lot of this issue could be focused on how my DH manages her, but short of sucessfully getting him to do that - how can I approach this without appearing like I am coming in between him and his sister? Or is this actually reasonable between siblings, and I should be trying to get used to it seeing as I married him and his sister by proxy? What can/should I do? DH and I don't quarrel much and actually have quite a good relationship but this particular issue accounts for 90% of all our major fights. Grateful for any advice. Thank you all in advance.