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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be hurt and upset over friends not RSVPing to wedding invites

66 replies

MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 13:40

So 10 days after the RSVP date on my invites I chased up the two friends who hadn't replied - one just messaged back "It's not September is it? I've got loads of deadlines in September." For the record it isn't in September - had she even bothered to read it? Biting my tongue I said I could empathise with her deadlines as I had plenty too - mainly wedding related! She replied completely ignoring all wedding talk and started moaning about her PhD!
The other friend took 3 days to respond then said, "Could you put me down as a maybe and I'll wing it?" I said I couldn't because we'd paid for a package for a set number of people and if she didn't turn up we were effectively paying for empty seats / wedding breakfasts / booze etc when someone else could have the place. I said if she didn't want to commit now, then she was welcome to just come to the evening do if she was able, as numbers for that are far more flexible. She replied totally missing the point and said, "Ok, but maybe add me back on the day list later?" I haven't replied.

Honestly I don't know what to think - wedding RSVPs aren't Facebook invites - the answer is Yes or No, there isn't a Maybe option and RSVP dates are included for a reason! I suppose it hurts that 80 other guests managed to RSVP no problem and the two messing me about are supposedly two of my good long-term friends - the first of whom I actually considered my best friend for a decade. FWIW neither of these women (both 40 and unmarried) have kids, so childcare isn't the issue and I'm pretty sure they both genuinely like me. Granted, both of them are pretty scatty, but how much effort does it take to return a prepaid envelope?!

Am I being precious or is this really rude of them? How do I get the first friend to give me a straight answer without coming across as pushy?!

OP posts:
bakingtins · 27/07/2015 13:43

YANBU. They are rude. Do you want them at your wedding badly enough to put up with their shilly-shallying?

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 27/07/2015 13:47

I wish I had an answer bu to remain very hurt by the people who didn't respond to our wedding invites (7 years ago). It's just rude!

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 27/07/2015 13:48

**but I remain hurt

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2015 13:52

It's rude. Im sorry but they clearly don't consider you to be their good friend any more.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 27/07/2015 13:54

Oh god how rude of them! Email first friend and say "Understand you have lots on right now so have put you down as a no for wedding, I won't be able to change it though so unless I hear from you by tomorrow I'll go ahead and fill the space."

That way you are making the decision for her and have given her the opportunity to say she is coming, although she sounds flakey so even if ahe said she wants to come she make flake out nearer the time anyway.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 13:56

Sorry, don't mean to drip feed but the first friend has alienated a lot of people due to mental health issues - if it wasn't for this I would probably have given up on her by now. I feel kind of sorry for her although she does seem to bring most of her problems on herself.

OP posts:
Stitchintime1 · 27/07/2015 13:57

Do you have to chase? Couldn't you just put them down as not coming?

Queenbean · 27/07/2015 14:02

I do empathise with you, it's a right pain to not have people respond

But

This summer alone, I have 9 weddings to attend. Including hen parties, some of them are overseas and need flights, some are full weekends away. Some are just evening dos.

It does get a bit exhausting keeping track of exact deadlines, when certain money needs to be paid etc. If it's one wedding to attend, yes it's easy to do, but people have so much else in their life that your wedding isn't their number one priority. It's easy to let deadlines slip by if you have so much else going on.

Cut your friend some slack, a PHD is a bloody hard thing to do and the deadlines will be more in the front of her mind. It's rude not to respond to you, but certainly not personal.

NotYouNaanBread · 27/07/2015 14:08

We didn't get a SINGLE REPLY from DH's family in the US because (apparently) we should have known that none of them would come, and therefore the invitations were just mementoes.

SRSLY.

NO. I lie. One elderly aunt sent us a lovely written reply, apologising for not being able to come and wishing us well.

MaidOfStars · 27/07/2015 14:12

Biting my tongue I said I could empathise with her deadlines as I had plenty too - mainly wedding related! She replied completely ignoring all wedding talk and started moaning about her PhD

There's no way I'd have been in a position to listen to my friend gabbing on about her wedding deadlines when I had my PhD deadline looming. Having since has a wedding myself, I can tell you that the two deadlines are not comparable in the slightest. Smile

Ok, but maybe add me back on the day list later?

This demonstrates a complete lack of regard for etiquette on any social occasion. The answer is "no". I think it's less rude and more just "WTF is she thinking?" because I don't think she HAS thought about it.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 14:16

I know how demanding a PhD is - I've recently completed one myself. My friend tried unsuccessfully for years to get funding to do her and now she's finally been accepted she claims she absolutely hates it!

OP posts:
Donatellalymanmoss · 27/07/2015 14:16

I'm doing a PhD and am more than capable of responding to wedding invitations, it's stressed me out but hasn't turned me into a rude arsehole that thinks the world revolves around my fairly self indulgent life aims.

MaidOfStars · 27/07/2015 14:20

It's not the lack of response that I was targetting, it was more the comparison between a wedding deadline and a PhD deadline.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 14:28

Actually, thinking about it I must have been mad completing my PhD and planning my wedding at the same time!!

OP posts:
StrawberryCheese · 27/07/2015 14:30

It takes two minutes to respond to a wedding invitation but for a lot of people it's just not a big deal for them in their life and they are quite blasé. Some have no clue about etiquette as MaidofStars says above.

A mutual friend was invited to my best friend's wedding, she texted to ask if her on/off boyfriend could come. The bride reluctantly said he could come to the evening reception. Cue mutual friend taking this as a 'yes he can come to the whole day' and ignoring any effort to correct her. She cancelled her attendance the day before the wedding because the boyfriend didn't want to go with her.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 14:30

Even when I messaged friend one: "No worries if you're too busy to post it back, a yes or no is fine," she replied about something unrelated! I now feel because of that that I can't simply say I'll put her down for a no.

OP posts:
StrawberryCheese · 27/07/2015 14:32

Can you not speak to friend on the phone rather than wait for a reply to text messages? You can't afford to be messed around so I would just put them down as evening guests if they can't get their act together.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 14:33

I don't think weddings are a big deal to her, she's never expressed any interest in getting married and is far more interested in studying than she is in finding a partner, but surely our friendship should be a big deal to her given that I'm one of the few people who has stuck by when her mental health deteriorated. Sorry I realise I'm probably ranting, I just don't want to end up ranting at her!

OP posts:
StrawberryCheese · 27/07/2015 14:35

It may take a bit of a rant for her to realise that she is being a pain.

RockerMummy184 · 27/07/2015 14:36

I would just put them down as a 'no'. You give a deadline date, they stick to it or they don't come.
I was far more pissed off with the 'friends' who RVSP-ed 'Yes' to my wedding invitations then just didn't turn up than the ones who didn't reply at all!

GloGirl · 27/07/2015 14:37

First friend sounds totally self absorbed which possibly considering what is going on in her life I might excuse. Although from your update she sounds like she's just self absorbed in general.

Second friend sounds just awful. Tell her you will let her know if a space comes up for the day, but even if one does - no no NO.

LazyLouLou · 27/07/2015 14:37

Send them both a text:

I am sorry that you can't join us on [date]. I'll try to remember to save you a slice of cake.

or some such nonsense. Leave at that, they are not coming and you will not add them at any later date.

It is horrid when people can't set aside their own navel gazing for a moment to celebrate a wedding, birthday etc. But you have enough to be worriting over as it is.

Leave them to it and enjoy yourself Smile

Abraid2 · 27/07/2015 14:40

The PhD excuse is weak. I've written many full-length novels to demanding publisher deadlines and managed to respond to invitations and run a household and look after two children and a dog. Many of my friends have similarly demanding juggling acts and respond just as promptly.

ShelaghTurner · 27/07/2015 14:41

I made a decision years ago to deal with all invitations there and then. So as soon as I get one or the dds get a party invite I check my calendar (on phone so always with me) and text back that minute and write it in. Then it's done and dusted. It might make me look desperate but at least I know it's done.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 27/07/2015 14:44

I think they just don't see your wedding as a big deal - probably not meant to be hurtful and it isn't personal, it's just that your wedding isn't registering with them as something more important than the other stuff going on right now

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