To be hurt and upset over friends not RSVPing to wedding invites

[MowMeadow]

So 10 days after the RSVP date on my invites I chased up the two friends who hadn't replied - one just messaged back "It's not September is it? I've got loads of deadlines in September." For the record it isn't in September - had she even bothered to read it? Biting my tongue I said I could empathise with her deadlines as I had plenty too - mainly wedding related! She replied completely ignoring all wedding talk and started moaning about her PhD!
The other friend took 3 days to respond then said, "Could you put me down as a maybe and I'll wing it?" I said I couldn't because we'd paid for a package for a set number of people and if she didn't turn up we were effectively paying for empty seats / wedding breakfasts / booze etc when someone else could have the place. I said if she didn't want to commit now, then she was welcome to just come to the evening do if she was able, as numbers for that are far more flexible. She replied totally missing the point and said, "Ok, but maybe add me back on the day list later?" I haven't replied.

Honestly I don't know what to think - wedding RSVPs aren't Facebook invites - the answer is Yes or No, there isn't a Maybe option and RSVP dates are included for a reason! I suppose it hurts that 80 other guests managed to RSVP no problem and the two messing me about are supposedly two of my good long-term friends - the first of whom I actually considered my best friend for a decade. FWIW neither of these women (both 40 and unmarried) have kids, so childcare isn't the issue and I'm pretty sure they both genuinely like me. Granted, both of them are pretty scatty, but how much effort does it take to return a prepaid envelope?!

Am I being precious or is this really rude of them? How do I get the first friend to give me a straight answer without coming across as pushy?!

And to those saying a PHD is more important and difficult than a wedding, it's not a competition.

If you're intelligent enough to complete a PHD you should be able to respond to an invite.

I got the impression PhD girl was worrying about the date of the wedding clashing with deadlines and was therefore dallying over whether to attend or not. Thus, late reply. I didn't get the impression she was so busy with PhD stuff that she couldn't dedicate five minutes to RSVP.

Not even sure that makes sense....

Jeebus - my DH managed to finish a PhD and not turn into a self-obsessed person who couldn't reply to a simple request.

Yanbu it is very rude

However don't take it personally as this happens to virtually every bride I think.

I had a colleague constantly fish for an invite. I wouldn't have invited her otherwise, as we were pressed for numbers, but I felt obliged after the many hints she had dropped. She didn't bother to RSVP. When I chased her up, I got a message 'oh, I hadn't replied? I'm going away'. I had to chase a few others too. I learnt that if people can't be bothered to reply, then they most likely have no intention of coming.

Proper etiquette is to reply by letter to an invite in a timely fashion.

I've never done a PhD and I've never been married, do I win a prize?

YANBU. Time to be blunt & phone them asking if they can come. If they are non committal say you will have to put them down as a No.

puppymonkey yes, you do, one for having the sense not to over complicate your existence

maidofstars if that's the case she should either decline or just explain to the OP.

We didn't get a SINGLE REPLY from DH's family in the US because (apparently) we should have known that none of them would come, and therefore the invitations were just mementoes.

I dont usually go in for competitive crapness, but please would you all indulge me just htis once?

We had a blessing in our home town after the wedding, primarily for DHs friends and family. He invited 110, I invited 20. Of the 110 on his side, would you care to guess how many responses I had? Bear in mind that my number was on the invitation as the rsvp.

Every single family member replied to MIL. His friends replied to DH, who didnt write anything down because he never does which is why my number was on the invitation. Before you say it's tradition to reply to the hosts and traditionally it's the parents, that may be true in the UK, but not here.

So YANBU! And a phD is not an excuse! Although it is rather impressive.

They are both being very rude. The PhD should not be used as an excuse, it takes 5 minute to check a date. I have friends who've done PhD's while: on maternity, while working full time, while working part time, while being a career...

First one sounds self-absorbed, second scatty and having no clue about organising anything.

EatDessertFirst if you do get non-RSVPers i'd suggest sending a note along the lines of 'so sorry you won't be able to join us' because even if people don't RSVP they will often still turn up and expect a place at the table.

Great idea Pohtaytoh! I'll probably thoroughly enjoy posting those to the rude people .

Potaytoe That is very good advice especially for the "friend" who turned up to the OP's big birthday at the last moment.

OP - do tell them that they have missed the opportunity to come. You don't want the friend arriving with a suitcase as you are getting ready for the ceremony. Or don't get ready at home

Sorry Potaytoh

I wouldn't bother. If they didn't RSVP then they're not coming. TBH from the sound of them, you're better off without the pair of them. "I'll wing it" FFS!!

This is awful, your friends are awful. You poor thing