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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and upset over friends not RSVPing to wedding invites

66 replies

MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 13:40

So 10 days after the RSVP date on my invites I chased up the two friends who hadn't replied - one just messaged back "It's not September is it? I've got loads of deadlines in September." For the record it isn't in September - had she even bothered to read it? Biting my tongue I said I could empathise with her deadlines as I had plenty too - mainly wedding related! She replied completely ignoring all wedding talk and started moaning about her PhD!
The other friend took 3 days to respond then said, "Could you put me down as a maybe and I'll wing it?" I said I couldn't because we'd paid for a package for a set number of people and if she didn't turn up we were effectively paying for empty seats / wedding breakfasts / booze etc when someone else could have the place. I said if she didn't want to commit now, then she was welcome to just come to the evening do if she was able, as numbers for that are far more flexible. She replied totally missing the point and said, "Ok, but maybe add me back on the day list later?" I haven't replied.

Honestly I don't know what to think - wedding RSVPs aren't Facebook invites - the answer is Yes or No, there isn't a Maybe option and RSVP dates are included for a reason! I suppose it hurts that 80 other guests managed to RSVP no problem and the two messing me about are supposedly two of my good long-term friends - the first of whom I actually considered my best friend for a decade. FWIW neither of these women (both 40 and unmarried) have kids, so childcare isn't the issue and I'm pretty sure they both genuinely like me. Granted, both of them are pretty scatty, but how much effort does it take to return a prepaid envelope?!

Am I being precious or is this really rude of them? How do I get the first friend to give me a straight answer without coming across as pushy?!

OP posts:
Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 14:50

I met the second friend through the first friend - they were my closest friends when I was doing my first degree and we shared so much together - I thought we'd be friends for life.

The immediate circle of friends I have now are so reliable and on the ball that it's only now in comparison that I realise how much shit I've tolerated a lot from my old friends over the years. First friend for example turned up unannounced from another city on a big birthday of mine saying she'd changed her mind about going out for my celebratory meal after all - it became clear that she expected to stay at my house. She then spent two hours getting ready, meaning a dozen of my other friends were left waiting in the restaurant for 45 minutes before we arrived!

I suppose this goes deeper than them simply not RSVPing - it makes me feel like a mug for tolerating it.

OP posts:
yorkshapudding · 27/07/2015 15:30

If you ''feel like a mug for tolerating it'' then maybe don't tolerate it this time. As you said yourself, you can't RSVP to a wedding with a "maybe", yet this is exactly what they are trying to do. I would send an email saying that as the RSVP deadline passed X days ago and you sti haven't had a clear response from them despite asking them over the phone, you will have to assume they are too busy to make it to the wedding.

UptheChimney · 27/07/2015 15:33

Having since has a wedding myself, I can tell you that the two deadlines are not comparable in the slightest

Exactly. If you think she was BU, then so are you. Far more so, in fact. Completing a PhD is far more difficult & actually rather more important, than organising what is basically a big party.

fearandloathinginambridge · 27/07/2015 15:44

Completing a PhD is far more difficult & actually rather more important, than organising what is basically a big party.

I would be inclined to add the words "in my opinion" to that sentence.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 15:46

It's not a question of whether a wedding is more important than a PhD - I fully understand how important a PhD is, as I said, I've done one myself. I still managed to RSVP to invites in that time - she had 6 weeks in which to send it back or message me.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2015 15:49

Please just send them an email or text stating that you have had to put them as NOT attending the wedding.
You would still love to see them in the evening if they can make any time for it but understand if they can't.
Done!

Chimney OP has done a PhD herself recently so she does know!
And joining together in a marriage is NOT a big party. You may not think much about the sanctity of marriage (and that is fine) but millions of others do so please don't belittle it.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 15:49

And I don't see my wedding as "a big party" - it's about having the people I care about witnessing me marrying the love of my life. She was there when my former partner died suddenly and knows what a long journey it has been for me to finally meet someone to share my life with - I thought she would be happy for me.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/07/2015 15:50

It does get a bit exhausting keeping track of exact deadlines, when certain money needs to be paid etc. If it's one wedding to attend, yes it's easy to do, but people have so much else in their life that your wedding isn't their number one priority. It's easy to let deadlines slip by if you have so much else going on.

That's what diaries and calendars are for. You can even get electronic ones and those app thingies for your phone these days.

Cut your friend some slack, a PHD is a bloody hard thing to do and the deadlines will be more in the front of her mind. It's rude not to respond to you, but certainly not personal.

I've never done a PhD. Is it really all-consuming 24/7 till it's done?

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2015 15:52

Completing a PhD is far more difficult & actually rather more important

Why?

Scholes34 · 27/07/2015 16:05

You do a PhD over 3-4 years. It is quite possible during this period to be able to reply to an invitation now and again, even when you're heading towards submitting your thesis.

Original poster
MowMeadow · 27/07/2015 16:06

For the record, my friend is nowhere near the stage of writing up the thesis which is in my opinion the gruelling bit.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 27/07/2015 16:11

MowMeadow - I think YANBU. Your friends are being a little rude.

Baffledmumtoday · 27/07/2015 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sockmatcher · 27/07/2015 16:18

Your friends are rude.

What is upsetting is that they clearly aren't prioritising the wedding and time to enjoy your special day.

If they are organised they can plan their schedule to allow for wedding and if there really is no slack in deadlines it will be easy for them to see they need to decline.

Atenco · 27/07/2015 16:30

The PhD excuse is weak. I've written many full-length novels to demanding publisher deadlines and managed to respond to invitations and run a household and look after two children and a dog

I have a friend like you and I totally admire her, but there are such a range of skills in human society. I could never do all that myself and yet I am still way more competent than a lot of people I have known.

Fatmomma99 · 27/07/2015 16:33

I agree that your friends are rude and that this is very bad manners/poor form. When I was reading your post I wondered if you were all v young and your BFs were just to used to weddings, but no... they're in their 40s.

Maybe they're jealous that you've found love, MowMeadow?

And congrats on your wedding, btw.

I think what's important in this is how much you want them there. If you would be sad to be married without them being there to see you (or one of them), then persist with phone calls etc and add that it would make your day if they come. If you're not so bothered, I'd send one of the texts described above and put them down for evening only.

Enjoy your day. Flowers

yorkshapudding · 27/07/2015 16:43

I have a few friends who are in various stages of completing their PHD. Yes, they're busy but they still find time to communicate with friends, spend time with their families, go on holiday, attend social gatherings and generally function like normal human beings. I find it very odd that there are posters who seem to think that because OP's friend is doing a PHD she can't possibly be expected to find the time to send a quick text message saying "yes I'd love to come to your wedding" or "sorry can't make it".

camelfinger · 27/07/2015 16:46

How rude. Judging by what they've said, I think they'd be strong candidates for pulling out on the day (we had a couple of these - partners of friends who I now realise are arseholes).
I would set a new deadline, say Friday, and tell them if they haven't confirmed by then then you'd assume that they aren't coming as you need to confirm numbers. If they are no longer down as not coming, I wouldn't mention it again and move on. Put them into the category of friends who you can still be friends with, but just who aren't coming to your wedding. Longer term it shouldn't matter - my wedding was five years ago and my guest list would be quite different now. It's just a snapshot of who you are close to at the time, and it sounds like these people aren't!

Pohtaytoh · 27/07/2015 17:40

I don't get all those who are saying it's understandable given she is doing a PHD. Admittedly i've never done PHD, but if she can find the time to text OP back moaning about her PHD then surely she could tack on 'Yes i can make it/no i cant make it' it's 15/17 characters, it took me 5 seconds to type that then. It's not hard, op has made it incredibly easy. It's rude.

Friend 2 is rude as well, she may not be married but she's old enough to know how Weddings work, and some manners- it smacks of waiting for a better offer.

As PP have said, confirm they are off the invite list to them. Ball is in their court then.

Only1scoop · 27/07/2015 17:43

Yanbu

They either send an acceptance or they don't come.

Stitchintime1 · 27/07/2015 17:43

I'd just stick them down as a no. Maybe = no. No reply = no.

Rosesareblack · 27/07/2015 17:55

They have had plenty of time to read the invitation, and to respond. They are still not taking on board that his is a very important day for you and are thinking only of themselves.

If they have so much going on in their lives that they can't even read what has been sent or read a message and reply to it, I would reply and say, I am sorry you are too busy, will take that as a no.

Hopefully this will be your only wedding and yes, you would like them there as they are 'supposed' to be your friends. However, do you really want to have to force them - what kind of friends are they if they can't consider your feelings at this time?

Maybe time to let them go.

EatDessertFirst · 27/07/2015 18:22

We are getting married next year and we have already decided not to chase anyone for RSVP. We're fully aware that our wedding isn't the be all and end all thanks in part to all the terrifying wedding threads on MN so if they can't be bothered to reply that will be fine.

YANBU. Just put them down as a 'no'. Maybe reconsider your friendship with such rude individuals.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 27/07/2015 18:25

YANBU.
they are hugely ignorant people.
put the down as a no.
there could be a degree of jealousy there from the unmarried ones.
also - find new friends.

Bakeoffcake · 27/07/2015 18:34

Well I'd give them one more chance but with a deadline.

I'd text them "Hi X, I need to have my wedding numbers by tomorrow. Please text me back a Yes or No to the invite. If I don't hear from you I'll have to put you down as a no. I do hope you can come, I'd love you to be there. Love Mow"

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