To think step parents get a really hard time on here

[Crosbybeach]

And can't do right whatever they do.

I've wanted to post a couple of times with queries but haven't as know will be asked, 'we're you the OW?' ( no) and 'what would you do with your own' ( I don't know, I don't have any of my own and find the step kids baffling sometimes, so am asking for advice) .

I'm a mum and a stepmum.

Yes I do think they get a tough time, as does the nrp.

That said, I've posted reasonably on the step parenting thread (as I like to think I'm actually a bloody good stepmum and my teenage stepdaughter seems to agree!) and have received some thoughtful and very helpful responses from both sides of the fence. I've also had to deal with some fairly shocking misconceptions too though!

I'm a step mum.
I don't really go on step parenting threads.
I have been very lucky in that its been a really enriching experience for me,and I feel privileged to have my stepson in my life.
No one else's opinion counts tbh,and if anyone wants to be nasty to me,then back on 'em,because I love being a step parent.

See you adding bits in. Which most people do, still not the mothers fault for taking her dd out.

I've been stepmum to 3 for 26+ years and mum to 2 for 41+ years.
Out of that lot I have four resounding successes, four delightful inlaws, 8 amazing grandchildren and pride and joy whenever I am with any of them.
Then there is dsd who has chosen NC abroad for herself , her dh and most sadly her ds.
She wont tell us why. She wont respond to letters, emails or gifts. She wont give us an address or phone number. One of her brothers passes on letters and gifts for her boy.
We have been told that she is jealous of our relationship with my dd who lives near us. However she(dsd) has a volatile relationship with her own mum, is NC with her mil and complains that she has no 'family support' with her ds who has asd.
She lives in Canada.

I disagree. She is entitled to be pissed off at a woman for doing something with her own kids.

And tbh, imo, those are the step parents that get a hard time here. The ones that try and turn any situation into the mothers or step childs fault.

In the world of Mumsnet, 'Mother is the name for God', stepmothers are the devil, and men are the sinners.

Yes, SM get an awful time on here, as do men.

I don't know about that - but if as so many stepmothers claim the ex wields power over the relationship with DH then surely the man must be complicit in some way or it wouldn't happen, would it? In which case SM & DH are as bad as each other...both putting issues on a child because hey, its easier than dealing with adult dynamics isn't it?

Mothers are "God?" really? Take a look at the ongoing thread regarding abusive parents, in a lot of cases both mothers and stepmothers who put their relationship with a man (musn't upset him...) before the wellbeing of a child

I'm not a step mum. My DD has one. Sort of (My ex has a partner of 12 months who is now spending time with DD - not sure when they become a step parent!)

BUT I think she's fabulous. I'm trying extremely hard to include her in everything and I like her immensely. I sent her a message saying "Ex and I are bound to still have differences - but these are in no way caused by you".

I really hope the three of us can have a really amicable relationship going forward for DD.

Is it what I would have chosen? No. But its the way things are, and its my responsibility to make it work.

Yanbu

There's an excellent book by Wednesday Martin, a social researcher, that analyses the way in which stepmothers have been portrayed in literature and the media over the years - and the impact this has had on societies attitude towards step mums.

It was written before the current social media/forum explosion - I hope there'll be a further research that includes websites like this one; it would be interesting to see if cyberspace has resulted in anything changing.

It seems to me, in the world of MN, that the step mother is supposed to like the child and supply the meals etc but she is not supposed to be overly involved and everything should be done through the father and she shouldn't be doing things alone.
Therefore she is in trouble if she doesn't treat the child nicely- but equally she is in trouble if she loves the child and treats her as one of the family, i.e do things alone without the father being involved.
I think that the more people who love the child the better and you can't have them in the house without being a normal member of the family and ideally they don't just get a step mother, they get step grandparents, step aunties etc - who all treat them as a member of the family.