To think step parents get a really hard time on here

[Crosbybeach]

And can't do right whatever they do.

I've wanted to post a couple of times with queries but haven't as know will be asked, 'we're you the OW?' ( no) and 'what would you do with your own' ( I don't know, I don't have any of my own and find the step kids baffling sometimes, so am asking for advice) .

Not really.

I think it's because this is a website full of mothers, there is a lot of projection going on, and it's hard to empathise with a SM if you haven't gone through it yourself. Kinda like how some people know everything about parenting until they actually become a parent. I do think mumsnet is harsher than real life, although I have to admit I would be much more wary about admitting to mothers in real life, and particularly single mothers (as they would obviously have more cause yo worry about stepparents), that life with stepchildren is anything less than constant sunshine.

I'm not sure I have ever seen those responses Honey and I know I certainly have never given a step parent a hard time for the examples you describe. Mostly those kind of issues get a sympathetic response as far as I can see.

I'm not saying it hasn't happened by the way

I do have to admit though, the couple of times I have, tentatively posted about SM issues (under previous names)I haven't been flamed. Once I even did so on AIBU and escaped with my life! So probably a lot of it is in the tone. Do feel solidarity for other misunderstood SMs, it's a tough gig (as is being a stepchild, I do agree).

Well, Cognitive, I think you may have explained the battering I got, on Relationships, six years ago as a new step mum to two teenagers.

I was finding it really hard; I wanted to build a relationship with them but my husband had spoiled them through guilt after his divorce (note: there was no OW. His ex-wife had an affair with another man and we met three years after the divorce!) and their behaviour towards me when they were with us wasn't great. I felt like a spare part in my home so I was looking for advice.

Christ, I got hammered! It was my own fault for marrying someone with kids. I would always be low down in the pecking order, which was where I deserved to be. I knew what I was getting into. The kids were part of the package, so tough luck. The children "were his blood" and I had to "put up with it or leave". The kids would be tired after a week at school so I had to let them do exactly as they pleased or they'd hate me forever.

It put me right off. I never sought advice on step-parenting here again!

For me it really depends on the tone of the thread and certain terms that might be used, for example using the term "mini wives" was quite popular on the step board for a time. I found that really offensive and it kicked off a lot on those threads.

It's also quite obvious when a thread is coming from a place of obsessive jealousy and resentment of the ex and his or her dc as opposed to being irritated at having expectations placed upon you as a step parent that really aren't down to you to meet. I am certainly not one of those that believes you should love your step children as your own. I do however believe that ALL children of the family should be treated equally. Personally I wouldn't be capable of that I don't think, I would always favour my own children, I know this so wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had dc. I am sure it's massively thankless being a step parent but then so is being parent, there's no real difference on that score except that you have massive love and parental bonds to get you through it.

It is very different to being a parent if you ask me. Being a parent isn't thankless. I certainly don't experience it that way.

I think the strongest opinions come from people that don't have SDC themselves so I just try and remind myself that they may well think differently if they did. I also don't think it's obvious where a person is coming from. I posted a few weeks ago, desperately feeling like I couldn't continue and I did resent my DH for having married and having children with his ex, and I resented the ex and I resented my SDC. This week, things are much better and I don't feel that way. I think many people post on the Stepparenting forum out of desperation. It's a lonely place, not one that we learn about as children (except for the wicked stepmother in stories) and not one where you're likely to have any/many friends in the same situation. This can affect your perspective.

There are people that seem to make their own lives harder for themselves but I think having a bit of empathy and compassion is far more likely to lead to positive change than just bashing the poster. We're all human, we are all feelings we don't want to have.

I think sometimes step parents are criticised more than biological parents.

It depends on what is being asked.

I think step-mothers do get a much harder time generally on here than they would if you took the "step" part out of the post.

If you throw the "step" in there, in my experience people assume the children involved are vulnerable, emotionally scarred and all aspects of their behaviour can be attributed to the step-mum being around too much/not being involved enough/treating them differently from her own children/treating them the same any trying to take on a mother's role (you see where I'm going with this). Sure, some children will have a lot of emotional problems due to their parents living separately, but not all. I say that as a step-child, step-sibling and step-mum (with experience of being a non-resident step-mum and also a resident step-mum).

There are some posts by step-patents where the OP deserves a flaming because they come across as a selfish arsehole for whom the step-children are just an inconvenience. However, I think these posts are the exceptions rather than the rule.

Although what do I know? I'm a step-mum so I'm biased. And purely in the interest of sarcasm;

• no, I wasn't the OW
• no, DH didn't leave DSC's mum broken hearted
• yes, I did know that he had children when we got together (however I could never have guessed just how involved I'd become)
• yes, I know DH's children will always come first
• yes, I have children of my own and they are treated the same

I couldn't agree more Honey, it's the adults that create the problems, not the children. There are a fair few threads where the dislike for the child/children and ex is literally glaring out and it's quite clear that the problems are with the adults involved, for example Dad is doing literally no real parenting but the blame for the resulting confused and chaotic situation is being placed squarely on the shoulders of the children and ex.

As for not being a step parent, personally, I am not one right now but I have been. Not only that, I was brought up in a family where my own mother was the step mother and she was diabolical to my half sister, I mean she did everything in her power to drive a wedge between her and her/my Dad, no matter what happened it was always his ex wife's fault too. I think I am quite well qualified to have an opinion on step parenting situations.

Obviously too I did not mean that all parenting is thankless, but the day to day grind can be.

Any step parents who were the other woman/man deserve a hard time.

YANBU. Stepparents get a raw deal on here. As do second families. I am my dad's daughter from his second wife (not the OW, he ended up leaving her too) and have a very spiteful nasty half sister who I asked for advice about once. Got pages of vitriol accusing me of all sorts, from saying she was entitled to behave how she wanted as my dad had left for my Mum (not true) and that she was entitled to hate me as she felt abandoned by my dad (so was I).

I think a lot of projection goes on here and posters attribute their own experiences to OPs that have got nothing to do with what happened to them.

Step parents have a tough time on here, but they have a tough time in RL and even in folklore. It is a difficult role to fill and one that very few people want.

How many adults think "my ideal partner would come with two kids who are not mine"? How many children think "I wish my parents would split up so I could have some lovely step parents, too"? And who would like to deal with dp's ex for years to come?

Step parents and step children get landed with each other, often didn't want one another at the start and most do what they can to make it work. Throw in some half- and step- siblings and it is even more fun... But it can work and make for some unique relationships and that is encouraging and gets many of us through the difficult days.

When you're a step parent you are, much like the children involved, completely at the mercy of the quality of the relationship between your partner and their ex.

The total absence of agency in respect of that part of your life together can be crazy making.

I think frustration often gets displaced onto the DCs.

Yanbu, I think biological nuclear families are hugely overrated and given a kind of Disney status on mn. In rl Ive found there's more of an acceptance that couple with children can have terrible relationships and both DCs and parents can be happier after the split.
But there's also a lot of projecting, and I'm guilty of this.
I was exactly the child who would have said "I wish my miserable parents would separate so I could have some lovely step parents who were happy and didn't argue all the time". I say this genuinely and without irony.
Stepfamilies aren't always troublesome and can actually be a happier environment in which to raise children than traditional nuclear ones, it depends on the circumstances.

Usually what you see on the step parenting boards is a step mother trying to negotiate something complicated that her husband has wimped out of. Half the time it's none of her business, but he is too savvy/cowardly to take it on and disappears into work or denial. She then has to blame someone and it can't be the man she's chosen so it becomes the step child and the ex.

One I will never forget was from a woman moaning that she was looking after all the children (his, hers, theirs) during a half term holiday. He was at work. And who was she mad at? The ex wife, the step child's mother who - wait for it - had taken her daughter out on lots of lovely days out. And she, the step mother, couldn't compete. You couldn't make it up. I mean, think about it. Taking her own daughter on a day trip.

3cheeky they can feel pretty useless. Both why blame the mum?

but why blame the mum?