To think step parents get a really hard time on here

[Crosbybeach]

And can't do right whatever they do.

I've wanted to post a couple of times with queries but haven't as know will be asked, 'we're you the OW?' ( no) and 'what would you do with your own' ( I don't know, I don't have any of my own and find the step kids baffling sometimes, so am asking for advice) .

Whether step parents get a hard time on here or not, when step parenting questions come up, I am always struck by what a hard time step kids are often having. The prevalence of divorce and the fact that there is no longer a stigma attached to having parents who don't live together seems to have made many people blasé and dismissive about the impact of a family split on children, not to mention the further possibility of 'blended' families and the difficulties they bring.
Just because lots of children are living with complex contact arrangements and varying levels of amicability between estranged parents doesn't mean it doesn't take a huge toll on them emotionally. Living with one parent in the aftermath of a split is hard, having a step-parent introduced into a family set-up is hard, being expected to sacrifice 'normal' weekend activities to spend time with an NRP is hard, not being able to see an NRP as often as you would like is hard, seeing a step-parent's children getting to live with your parent when you have limited contact is hard, parents starting new families with second spouses is hard whether the child lives with them or not.
There are often adults posting on here about the difficulties of managing their relationships with their parents, step-parents and siblings, yet children are expected to manage all these complex dynamics alongside the angst of teenagerdom and everything else that life holds for them as they mature and find their feet. I think this is what many posters are considering when they seem to be attacking step-parents - the fact that it is such an important job that can have a huge impact on a child who may seem 'difficult' or 'demanding' but is probably just struggling to adjust to the constantly changing dynamics of family life.

I don't think you do know what you're getting into when you meet a man with DCs. You don't know how his parenting and yours differ, you don't know what the DCs will be like, how clingy, how stroppy, how independent (or not) compared to your own DCs, how involved/reliable the ex will be or how your own ex will deal with the new situation.

Obviously we all go in with high hopes, DCs are excited to meet new GF and her DCs etc, dad is on his best behaviour and everyone is interested in doing things together.

It's like any kind of dating, once the initial facade wears off you're left halfway down a road with someone, already involved, DCs part of the package, realising that your parenting styles don't work together, that the parent who doesn't have full time access treats their DCs differently to the resident parent.

The RP who has all the donkey work not just the fun times and doesn't have guilt issues or 'let's make the most of our short time together' issues or 'I don't want to tell them off as I want them to enjoy their time with me' issues is seen as mean and stroppy, while the NRP is seen as being a 'good time' or Disney dad, all about indulging his DCs (& hopefully yours too) rather than being responsible and sensible.

Unless you've already been there before, imagining that this is how it will be seems like a very negative pessimistic attitude, so you go in with your rose tinted glasses on then get told that you knew what you were letting yourself in for!

newstart, your post is interesting as it makes no reference to a father in that mix. And I think that's a reason SMs get a hard time. Your post pits mum -v- stepmum, and the father gets no mention. Given that SCs have another parent the SP is with/married to, I think the 'united front' stance taken against an ex is not a good stance to start from, especially where the other parent is not dealing with their own DC appropriately.

Nobody gets a hard time they don't deserve!

I don't agree with this at all. I have seen many posters get a flaming all over MN, not just when it comes to step parenting either.
I have seen posters absolutely vilified for no good reason. Sometimes its justified sometimes not!

I think the issue is that there is a culture on here that the children come first, and that in particular where children have been unsettled or their lives disrupted that patience, consideration and consistency are important. And, in my opinion, this is no bad thing.

I think step-mums often (not always!) post about their own feelings about dealing with step-children - that it leaves them feeling upset, hurt, angry, disrespected etc, and while it is understandable that they have those feelings, airing them or asking for advice in a place where the culture is that the children come first, is obviously going to result in them being told that they are being unreasonable/selfish.

Gosh- people get hard times they don't deserve lots and lots of times on MN on all subjects!

I don't think entirely bu. However I dont think all step parents posting here are perfect either. The ones that get a hard time are the ones that post as though the step kids should just suck up and accept the situation.

The questions you have mentione are all things that need to be taken into considerations.

Especially the comparing to how you treat your own kids. If you have them. Lots of step parents post that they openly wouldn't do the same to their own children. Yet think the step kids should be ok with their father (usually the father) doing certain things.

Which is what's happened on certain threads lately.

I also find that the step parents that get a hard time, generally post with the view that their 'family' needs to come first which doesn't include the step children.

YANBU, op.

Stepmothers get a much harder time than mothers, fathers or stepfathers. My DH has never been asked by anyone if he was the other man!

I'm not a SM. And I agree with you.

Along with 'didn't you know what you were getting into' there are the declarations that you are/aren't a parent, bewilderingly contradicting themselves.

The most gobsmacking was a woman about to give birth for the first time, thinking about childcare for her SD, being lectured about how she was just the same as any other second-time mum. Like she'd slipped into an alternative world where she'd already done the whole thing already, on account of marrying a man who had.

It depends on the person, how they come across, and the problem. I don't think there is a general problem with Stepparents. You might notice the times when someone is critical, if you are a Step Parent yourself,

Just as I might notice the times when someone is critical of something I do. I

I agree that looking at things from the child's perspective is important but I also agree that sometimes step Mums get a hard time.

People on here often tend to project their own situations and, to some, key words like step-mother, MIL etc are red rag to a bull.
Some posters take each post on its own merits but some have prejudices that are clear from the outset. They tend to displace their anger about someone in their own life and enjoy giving someone else a kicking.

Lots of really interesting replies here, apologies for typo in OP...

Yes there are some SPs who appear selfish as do some parents. But, leaving those aside, I do quite often see some quite outrageous double standards for parents and SPs, and it is usually the SMs. A mum that is tired and vents will rarely get, 'well you knew what you were getting into' thrown at her.

I feel v lucky with the set up I have, the ex is lovely, DPs family is understanding and the kids are just normal teenagers/ young adults. That has all taken some work on all sides.

But I have felt v alone and isolated at times in a role that is unfamiliar to me, and I don't have friends who are SPs, well not close friends. It is a difficult thing to do to share a house with children where you really have v little say in their parenting or how things are done, although it impacts on you massively.

Sure the kids have a tougher time, that's a given, but asking for some advice can help. T he SP board is v good at times, but even on there it can be harsh at times.

I'm a SM and would never post about my problems on here. People flame SM's no matter what - for not caring enough, for caring too much, for hating the ex, for liking the ex, it goes on and on.

I think unless you are a step-parent you have no idea what it's like to help raise someone else's kids - ESPECIALLY when both biological parents are in the picture. It's bloody hard.

I think it must be very very hard to be a Step-parent.

I think it is something I would run a mile from, actually, having parented my own children and seen what a psychodrama that is. So I take my hat off to anyone doing their best

I think step parents are given a fairly hard time. Being a step parent is not a situation that many people have experienced and every step parent has very different circumstances so I don't think there is a lot of understanding. I know no-one in real life who has a family similar to mine. I post on step-parenting hoping that someone will understand my situation but now make sure I word things carefully because someone is bound to jump on something I say. I almost come to expect it now and take it with a pinch of salt.

The OW comments are not helpful. In my case DP's ex left him for another man and I didn't appear until two years later.

You cannot know what you are getting into. You have to think carefully about whether getting into a relationship with a child is the right thing for you and for that child. I feel DSS has benefited loads from me and DP getting together, particularly his relationship with my children. But I had no idea how my feelings for DSS would develop, how the ex would behave etc. It was a risk. But isn't that the same with any relationship.

I dislike it when there are responses about how the 'poor child' has had enough to deal with with the parents splitting up. Just because a child's parents have split up, doesn't mean they should be given everything they want. Parents and step-parents deal with that guilt every day of their lives and don't need outsiders making them feel worse.

I also think it is very important in a blended family situation that time is made for the couple themselves. It is very stressful and if the relationship isn't looked after the whole thing could fall apart causing more stress for the children.

But for the record, when I first came to mumsnet as a lone parent after my divorce posting about issues around contact I got a pretty hard time off dads and step mums so it works both ways.

The step mother's place is in the wrong.

I don't get your comment Mehitabel. Is it meant to be ironic or is that what you really think?

Stepmums do get a real roasting on here, at times. I think quite a lot of the time its deserved.

The posts invariably sound self-absorbed - me me me - moaning on about a stepchild who doesn't even live in the marital home, lives elsewhere with his DM, but somehow seems to have the effect of Armaeggedon on "new family". Too often step-children seem to bear the brunt of whatever a step-mum's issues are..whether a dislike of the ex (yes lets blame another woman -everything that goes wrong is ALL the ex's fault), or resentment of how DH treats his child - when of course, the DH is probably going to bend over backwards in relationship with child who doesn't live with him - it may seem wrong but its called being Human, having some guilt and wanting to try to compensate for not being there

Again with the ex/mother of stepchild thing - never really hear the ex has moved on happily with new partner and is getting on with her life - no, there's always a barb thrown in, and thats coupled with either a dislike towards stepchild, or disapproval that said child is somehow being favoured. The ex and stepchild are just a catalyst for OPs insecurities and as if too often the case, things she really should say or discuss with DH but won't, harbours resentment instead, and then ex and stepchild bear the brunt of all that

I don't doubt that there are really good stepmums out there. But they're not on here focusing their grudges on their stepchild, are they? I guess they realise a child is a child not an adult so they rightly don't expect adult responses. Parenthood is hard, when you aren't a child's natural parent even harder, but I get fed up of hearing how hard parenting is too, at times. As if DCs ask to be born..or in the case of DSS, they're supposed to slot into new family (on occasion) smiling happily with no thoughts of their own. Lots of things in life are hard but we get on with them don't we, no martyrdom

It is my opinion reading MN MsColouring - I am surprised if you have seen one in the right!

Yes and no. Ive had some great advice from MN but Ive also had a lot of nastiness, sarcasm and bitchiness. There's no need for it really.

As a step parent you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The same goes for RL. I sent DSD (6) home with a new hair band the other day and had her DM ringing DP up spewing some shit about trying to outshine her as her DM.
The reality of the situation is that my DD had a hair band and I asked DSD if she would like one too and she said yes.

Arghhh it's such a minefield it really is

Speaking as a non-step mum, I think step mums do get a hard time on here, often (although not always of course) undeserved.

I think it's because of all the threads in Relationships by women who are devastated by their partners leaving. Even if the step mum posting was not the OW, the fact that she is a step mum tends to reminds us of those sad Relationships threads (by force of association) and the families involved. So you start of with a tendency to be harsh on the step mum and her partner.

I also think there's an assumption that the mother is perfect and can do no wrong, even though plenty of ex-wives have been the reason relationships break down.

Sometimes and it's usually because they deserve it.