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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

THANK YOU LETTERS/ EMAILS whatever

61 replies

Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 18:57

AIBU ? Friend's son (have known since birth)married recently abroad . Have not met the bride . They live where they were married .Sent some money as a wedding present , inside a card, out with his parents- so I know it was received . Friend is aware (and is mortified) the couple hasn't thanked me (they haven't thanked family members either). She has asked for, and passed on, my email address . I have assured her it is not important as I do not want her to be upset. And in the Great Scheme of Life, it is , of course, not that important.

Couple had a baby about 6 weeks after the wedding . I have sent a card . I would normally send a gift -and I know one does not give gifts in order to be thanked . I might add neither was working in the run-up to the birth. Is it unreasonable to wait to be thanked for the wedding present before I buy the baby anything ? They will probably come over to UK in the autumn so I might naturally have waited 'til then anyway . I would be furious if one of my DCs did this , as I think it is rude. But am I being hopelessly old fashioned ?

OP posts:
Howmanywotwots · 25/07/2015 19:01

How long has it been since the wedding?

noblegiraffe · 25/07/2015 19:05

I expect the happy couple were rather busy what with having a baby six weeks after their wedding.

LadyLuck81 · 25/07/2015 19:06

How long since the wedding? If they had a baby 6 weeks after I imagine they had plenty on their plate with being pregnant and then having a baby. It took us 2.5 months to get thank you cards out and I was in the first tri.

I think you're unreasonable to withhold a baby gift in those circumstances. I'm sure your thanks will come. I hope they spent ages getting a nursery ready then holding their baby. Not writing personalised thank you cards.

Just wanted to add. We were away on honeymoon 2 weeks, got back, got some photos, ordered cards, waited on printers, had to send them back. It was 5/6 weeks after the wedding before we even had the bloody cards to write on!

NerrSnerr · 25/07/2015 19:07

They had a baby 6 weeks after the wedding? Bloody hell, they probably had more important things on their mind. I think it's really childish not to send a baby a gift because you haven't had a thank you from the wedding.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 25/07/2015 19:10

You sound like you wanted a thankyou the next bloody day!

Yarp · 25/07/2015 19:14

You are being unreasonable about the baby gift.

Either you like them enough to want to give a gift, or you don't.

I think 6 weeks would be a long time to wait for a thank you, in normal circumstances, but her being heavily pregnant (and them probably trying to sort out a lot of stuff before the birth) makes it a special circumstance, IMO

meditrina · 25/07/2015 19:22

I think you should build in reasonable time to send adequate thanks as part of your wedding planning.

All letters should be written as soon as the gift is received (even if you decide not to post them for superstitious reasons until after the ceremony). If the present isn't received until the day if the ceremony (or afterwards) then there's bound to be a bit of a delay.

Guests should write their thank you letters to the official hosts the day after the ceremony.

LittleLionMansMummy · 25/07/2015 19:33

I was bored shitless in those few weeks before ds was born and used the time to wrap Christmas presents, write cards etc. I don't see how someone can have too much on their plate during this lull time tbh.

And dh sent out thank you cards for baby presents within about two weeks - gave him something to do as he wore ds at 4am. I think manners are important so no I don't think your expectations are old fashioned.

That said, perhaps give them the benefit if the doubt for a while longer as they'll definitely be busy now and you don't really know what was going on in their lives between the wedding and baby arriving.

LittleLionMansMummy · 25/07/2015 19:34

Oh but I still think yabu to withold a baby gift.

IcecreamHavoc · 25/07/2015 19:45

YANBU

I feel hurt when I send family members gifts for them and their baby and I never hear if they got them never mind a thank you. Manners cost nothing but mean a lot.

AliAliAlium · 25/07/2015 19:47

I have a 7 month old baby and haven't finished the thank you cards from when she was born Blush. I'm sure that DM and DMIL are mortified. I am in the process of doing them, and have tried my best to thank people in person / by email / text / phone in advance of writing a proper note, but it hasn't always happened (I have older DC too and life is just hectic). The process of writing numerous thank you notes after a big event or birth can be quite stressful in itself and I would never want to add to someones burden at what should be a happy time, so now always give baby presents on the basis that no thank you note is required. It doesn't mean that people aren't grateful if they're not quick with thank yous, perhaps just that they are overwhelmed. (Same rules do not apply to birthday presents ets where I'm not dealing with the same number of thank you notes!).

chocolatemartini · 25/07/2015 19:53

Oh ffs I do not understand all this present giving angst. If you give expecting to get something (including thanks) back then it isn't a gift it's an unwritten contract. End of story. Give if you want to give and genuinely don't mind if they thank, don't thank, keep it, throw it in the bin or give it to a stray dog. Otherwise don't give.

Jewels234 · 25/07/2015 19:57

I believe etiquette states 3 months after a wedding is how long it should take to send thank you letters.

It is a hectic time. Honeymoons and back into full time jobs means that thank yous tend not to come immediately.

ShadyMyLady · 25/07/2015 20:01

I got married 4 years ago, some of my thank you letters are still in my drawer, I just never got round to sending them out Blush.

I still got presents when my DC was born 2 years later, so clearly no grudges were held against me.

So I think YABU, sorry.

noblegiraffe · 25/07/2015 20:07

It seems to me to be utterly bizarre to hold a baby's present to ransom for a bit of paper with some words on it.

Either you want to buy the baby a present or you don't.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/07/2015 20:09

I have never sent or received a thank you note... I thank people when I see them, or if my parents have passed something onto me, as in the OPs case, I would send a verbal thank you back through them. That's enough isn't it? No one has ever seemed offended!

LittleGreyCatwithapinkcollar · 25/07/2015 20:09

I ordered thank you cards with a photo taken by the photographer. Therfore it took 8-10 weeks for those to arrive to even start writing them. My DD is 3 months. If she'd come before them I'd not have had time to write them by now!

Howmanywotwots · 25/07/2015 20:10

The problem is people think they need to write a personal thank you on a specially printed photo card which takes ages and is a pain in the neck

A phone call or email is enough, or just say thank you in person , and I am also more than happy to get s thank you text. To be honest cards get quickly read and chucked out ( although I have done these myself too)

TheRealAmyLee · 25/07/2015 20:14

I thank people in person. I really don't have time to write notes to everyone!

Guests should write their thank you letters to the official hosts the day after the ceremony.

WHAT? I am supposed to thank people for going to their wedding???

Yarp · 25/07/2015 20:17

I also think that if I saw someone when they gave me a present, it's OK to thank them and not send a note. I don't expect a note from others. Send gifts are a bit different - mainly to confirm they received it.

Yarp · 25/07/2015 20:18

Sent gifts

itsmine · 25/07/2015 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

editthis · 25/07/2015 20:21

Nope, Yanbu. It's fucking rude not to acknowledge – let alone thank for – a present. Don't send anything else (into the cavern of no gratitude) until they trouble themselves to call/text/write to thank you for the first present you sent.

I KNOW they've had a baby. I would give people a minimum of six months to write or acknowledge a wedding or baby present (because yes, it is a busy time and I, for one, wrote to more "needy" people first (e.g. Elderly relatives, friends of my parents). But no acknoelwdgement whatsoever? No effort = no effort on my part either.

Baddz · 25/07/2015 20:24

I no longer speak to one of my dhs cousins (someone I thought I got on very well with!)
She lives abroad and sent my eldest ds1 (her godson) a card and a chq for £10 for his b day.
I should point out that things were very fraught and stressful at this point in our lives...I Was ill and had been in hospital and my ds2 had been rushed into hospital with breathing difficulties so I wasn't as organised as I usually am.
I didn't have her e mail so I asked my fil for her mobile number and text a thank you the day of the b day.
Some time went by and I got an e mail basically asking why I hadn't sent a thank you and that it was unacceptable that I hasn't said thank you and cashed the chq. She basically called me mercenary!
I was very upset.
I e mailed back and apologised, explained about the illnesses and that I had text her.
She e mailed back to day her phone didn't receive texts from abroad.
I didn't know that.
But what really hurt was that she didn't even ask how my ds2 was :(
We don't speak now.

People are weird.
I now either thank people in person, by text or I phone them (or the DC do)
The only exception is older people who aren't online and who prefer a letter or card.

Seriouslyffs · 25/07/2015 20:28

Anxious handwringing have you written to great aunt Manipulatrica/ ex neighbours DIL hasn't sent me a thank you letter for the booties I sent are about the only thing I whole heartedly and utterly reject about my upbringing. I send thank you cards/ emails/ texts/ 99% of the time but I won't nag at my children to do so.