THANK YOU LETTERS/ EMAILS whatever

[Postchildrenpregranny]

AIBU ? Friend's son (have known since birth)married recently abroad . Have not met the bride . They live where they were married .Sent some money as a wedding present , inside a card, out with his parents- so I know it was received . Friend is aware (and is mortified) the couple hasn't thanked me (they haven't thanked family members either). She has asked for, and passed on, my email address . I have assured her it is not important as I do not want her to be upset. And in the Great Scheme of Life, it is , of course, not that important.

Couple had a baby about 6 weeks after the wedding . I have sent a card . I would normally send a gift -and I know one does not give gifts in order to be thanked . I might add neither was working in the run-up to the birth. Is it unreasonable to wait to be thanked for the wedding present before I buy the baby anything ? They will probably come over to UK in the autumn so I might naturally have waited 'til then anyway . I would be furious if one of my DCs did this , as I think it is rude. But am I being hopelessly old fashioned ?

We went on honeymoon 2 days after our wedding. All thank you notes written and posted before we left. I was several months pregnant.

I think some people just don't think of it. If it were down to my dh there wouldn't have been a single note written. He just wouldn't have thought to do it.

Yabu tho, don't think about what you're getting back if you want to give someone a gift!

An email, a text or even a verbal thank -you via his parents would have been fine . Now the baby is here I agree its probably not high on their list of priorities But they did have six weeks when I suspect they didn't have a llot else to do
If I I were his mum I would probably have made it up and said 'X and Y said to thank you very much for the present' .But she is very cross with them

But she is very cross with them if that's because you've been mithering her about thank you letters, you should be ashamed of herself. Newly wed, new baby and they've all fallen out.
Lovely example of 'Manners as a tool to manipulate people'

People on MN always say they don't give gifts in order to bd thanked but then get a right nark on about not being thanked (with a formal written note on headed paper sent via post within 5 weeks of giving the gift specifying details of the exact present sent and indicating lifelong gratitude )

MN is a dead weird place.

Oh god. Thank you messages. I bought the thank you cards at the same time as i bought the wedding invites for my wedding. I remember being a kid with my mother standing over me making me write bloody thank you letters with news and hate, hate, hated doing it. I made my kids write a little note after getting presents from the older members of the family until they were in their teens.

Now to the OP: This couple got married in late May and had a baby six weeks later. So the baby is about 3 weeks old now.

And his mother is ''very cross with them'' for not getting their wedding thank you's out before the baby was born. Good lord.

As a poster upthread said - this is the sort of stuff i will NEVER be visiting upon my kids once they are adults. ''His mother is very cross ...''. FGS. I can picture it.

My mother expects me to chase my 2 oldest over thank you notes and emails. They are 20 and 22.

OP i'm sure they were very grateful for the money you sent. It's obvious which side of the fence i'm on here. I must point out:

• you asked Is it unreasonable to wait to be thanked for the wedding present before I buy the baby anything ?

• and then I dont give gifts to be thanked ! I just think its bad manners

Why wait to be thanked before sending anything else if you don't give to be thanked? I'm sure that honestly they would rather you sent nothing if it's going to cause ripples if they don't get round to sending a thank you.

I have not ' mithered' ' themother seriously .She was the one who mentioned it to me and I have made light of it to her .She is particularly annoyed as they have thanked no one, not even (elderly) family members .
I was merely curious as to general attitudes to this sort of thing and now I know .

YANBU. it's rude not to acknowledge a gift. I'm sure they've both had enough time to post on FB, Tweet, Instagram etc over the last few weeks.

I have been mithered, its upsetting because members of family who have been vocal about thank yous were the ones who haven't provided addresses to send cards too. (I don't use social media either so no chance of getting addresses through that particular medium.)

I can see that's frustrating . In this case though the person has been a regular visitor since childhood.And now has my mail address too ( as postage from overseas is expensive I' m quite happy to use this medium)
As someone said , I bet they have done FB pics etc of the baby .The mix of responses on MN is fascinating .Definitely two camps .
(I have let go my annoyed feelings and am continuing to follow /comment only because it's interesting)

I honestly don't care. Personally, I'm all for good manners, but I can't be doing with etiquette. IMO, the two are very different.

My MIL made a huge fuss about me not sending a card to her friends, who I had never met, who sent me a gift for DC1. I had sent the card ASAP but she had given us the wrong address and it finally arrived after the RM had redirected it. I was extremely physically ill after the birth, think total dual incontinence, and had a seriously ill baby. I have never forgiven her petty behaviour and her insinuation that I did not know how to behave politely. I will never forget, it still makes me years later.