Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

THANK YOU LETTERS/ EMAILS whatever

61 replies

Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 18:57

AIBU ? Friend's son (have known since birth)married recently abroad . Have not met the bride . They live where they were married .Sent some money as a wedding present , inside a card, out with his parents- so I know it was received . Friend is aware (and is mortified) the couple hasn't thanked me (they haven't thanked family members either). She has asked for, and passed on, my email address . I have assured her it is not important as I do not want her to be upset. And in the Great Scheme of Life, it is , of course, not that important.

Couple had a baby about 6 weeks after the wedding . I have sent a card . I would normally send a gift -and I know one does not give gifts in order to be thanked . I might add neither was working in the run-up to the birth. Is it unreasonable to wait to be thanked for the wedding present before I buy the baby anything ? They will probably come over to UK in the autumn so I might naturally have waited 'til then anyway . I would be furious if one of my DCs did this , as I think it is rude. But am I being hopelessly old fashioned ?

OP posts:
Getthewonderwebout · 25/07/2015 20:31

It's polite I think to send a thank you but given the time line and having had a baby I think it would be unreasonable to be upset or annoyed about it.

They are probably hoping they will be cut some slack. Send them a baby gift, and accept the thank you is not a priority but they will be grateful regardless.

When I had my DC, I sent out the thank you cards showing a photo of my baby on the front but by that point they were about 3 months older!

Scholes34 · 25/07/2015 20:33

A (married) cousin of mine never sends thanks, by e-mail, phone or card, to anyone, regardless of how distant or elderly the relative might be. I find that quite strange and somewhat rude.

cocobean2805 · 25/07/2015 20:34

I got married just under two months ago, I'm still writing thank you cards. I sent a few to family members who had been a massive help in the first couple of weeks. I'm getting round to the others. It's a nightmare, people didn't put their address on the cards they sent, so finding an address to send a card to thank them too has been stressful.

I've always done thank you cards, BUT I think YABU. They got married and then had a baby, they probably haven't slept for six weeks, never mind got round to writing cards. I also never expect a thank you card for a gift/card i have sent. I don't expect to be thanked for a gesture of good will on my part.

Getthewonderwebout · 25/07/2015 20:35

seriously, as a 43 year old I still get asked by my mum whether I've sent thank yous. Pisses me off no end. I do it, when I can, as soon as I can. The text and email reminders get my goat!

Backtobedlam · 25/07/2015 20:38

Thank you notes/cards/emails etc are nice if you receive them, but I never really notice if I haven't. Maybe she typed your email wrong? Maybe she's been busy? There could be any number of reasons. Either way I only give gifts if I want to, not because I'm obliged to, so not getting a thank you wouldn't stop me giving a gift next time. If you feel like that, and aren't very close anyway, then just stop sending the gifts.

Baddz · 25/07/2015 20:40

I find the idea of only sending gifts in order to get thanks really, really odd.
I give because I want to.

HesterShaw · 25/07/2015 20:43

Bloody hell, how much effort is it to thank someone for a gift? :o

Ours were all done by three weeks after the wedding after we had got back from honeymoon, and we wrote to them all. I'm not saying that to boast - I would have thought that was normal.

YANBU - but lots of people will say you are.

HesterShaw · 25/07/2015 20:44

And if they got married when she was 7 months pregnant, I'd have thought in the waiting time there would have been time to dash off a few thank yous.

But what do I know?

Seriouslyffs · 25/07/2015 20:55

Getthewonderwebout
Yep! Me too! Hmm

Original poster
Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 21:18

As I said, neither was working in the run up to the wedding-which was very small and informal (Town Hall, 20 guests) No honeymoon . She hasn't worked since Christmas, him since Feb . So plenty of time to prepare .
Yes it does seem petty to withhold a gift I agree and will give the baby something when they come over (its not his fault and they are desperately short of money) . But as someone said, a verbal message via the parents would have been fine. Or an email .

OP posts:
Original poster
Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 21:20

The wedding was late May

OP posts:
Original poster
Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 21:22

I did say badz that I dont give gifts to be thanked ! I just think its bad manners

OP posts:
Baddz · 25/07/2015 21:35

I don't think it's bad manners.
People have stuff happening in their lives.
Illness, stress, bereavements....sometimes they take precedence over sending thank you notes!

DansonslaCapucine · 25/07/2015 21:51

I think it is far worse to hold a grudge when not thanked for a gift than to not send a thank you card.

dementedma · 25/07/2015 22:01

I still make my dcs sit down just after Christmas and handwrite thank you notes. They share it between the three of them so one writes and the other two sign and they are not allowed to get away with a generic "thank you for the gift". They have always had to do this and now they do it without the slightest problem - they are 24, 21 and 13. They do thank you for birthday gifts too although that is usually a phone call or an email which is fine.
I sent both my nephews money for their birthdays and haven't had so much as an email. I think it's bloody rude.

Original poster
Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 22:12

Yes my DDs still do thank- yous too.They are 29 and 25 and have left home and write a proper letter now, with news .My DB and SIL (the most likely recipients) always mention to me that they have received them and how lovely it was to get them .
Holding a grudge is going a bit far dementedma. I will happily go and meet the baby and give him something. Obviously on that occasion they can thank me in person . I would not expect a written follow up !

OP posts:
dementedma · 25/07/2015 22:18

Erm, it wasn't me who said the "holding a grudge thing" Smile

Kayden · 25/07/2015 22:19

YANBU. In this day and age, it takes 5 minutes to send a quick mass email thanking everyone and confirming receipt of gift.

Original poster
Postchildrenpregranny · 25/07/2015 22:21

Sorry. It was dansons

OP posts:
editthis · 25/07/2015 23:38

Are people really happy not knowing whether or not their gift has even been received?

Seriouslyffs · 26/07/2015 10:48

edit if I post something 99 times out of 100 I'll hear back that it's arrived- if it's a new baby I feel a pang of guilt if the new Mum, and it's always the Mum, has sat down and written, addressed and posted a formal thank you. It's the best thing about Facebook- 'package posted today'- 'arrived safely thank you so much here's a picture of new baby'
Expecting more says a lot about the sender.

NerrSnerr · 26/07/2015 10:59

If your actual concern is that it has arrived safely then you could send it recorded.

IcecreamHavoc · 26/07/2015 12:18

Which adds to the already ridiculous cost of posting a gift.

People don't buy a gift because they want thanking, don't be silly, it is purely down to manners. People who say they are far too busy to write thank your are just being pathetic. Priorities. I happen to ink good manners should be a high priority.

meditrina · 26/07/2015 18:01

"Guests should write their thank you letters to the official hosts the day after the ceremony.

"WHAT? I am supposed to thank people for going to their wedding???"

Yes, of course. Just like you would thank people for any party. If the wedding is usually big, formal affair, then a letter is the norm (email if yon know that's acceptable).

The exchange of gifts/acknowledgements is normal across so many human cultures I'd say it is universal. Opting out of either side is of course totally up to the individual. But that does nothing to strengthen the social ties of communities.

5Foot5 · 26/07/2015 18:14

I would not dream of not sending thanks promptly in some form or other but I admit I no longer write notes. If I can't thank the giver in person face to face then my preference is to thank them over the telephone. Failing that I send a text or an email.

I do think it is a very poor show not to at least have sent an email by now if the wedding was in May.

YANBU