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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being upset?

27 replies

ninnymuggins84 · 25/07/2015 09:56

OH and I were chatting lastnight about how everyone is unattractive to someone and everyone is beautiful to someone.

Now I'm not deluded and understand that not everyone would find me attractive and some people would find me unattractive. Fact of life. However OH chipped in that some people would look at me walking down the street and say 'urgh'. That I would be ugly and offensive to some people. He thinks I'm gorgeous and beautiful but to some id be ugly offensive and hideous?! I don't see the need or constructive reason to make that comment...The issue here isnt whether or not people find me attractive. Couldnt give a monkeys tbh I'm happy with my appearance...more the necessity for him to expand the conversation to that level, and it has upset me!. AIBU?

OP posts:
mrschatty · 25/07/2015 09:58

What....I'd expect my DH to lie and say I was attractive to everyone. I'd be v upset so yanbu. Offencive and hideous! That's so rude of him!

Anon4Now2015 · 25/07/2015 09:59

Oh dear..... he took the point a bit too far before he engaged his brain didn't he? Try not to let it upset you.

Finola1step · 25/07/2015 10:00

He took it too far. At the time, you would have been well within your rights to call him on it with a "Now come on, that's going a bit too far" or such like.

So you have 3 choices. Let it go, stew on it or tell him today that you think he went on a bit too much.

EatShitDerek · 25/07/2015 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage · 25/07/2015 10:02

Unless you have 'cunt' tattooed on your forehead YANBU.

Perhaps he was clumsily trying to make his point that everybody finds different things attractive. I remember my housemate's girlfriend asking me how I could stand living with his when he was so handsome and perfect in every way. She couldn't understand at all why I didn't even slightly find him attractive.

pictish · 25/07/2015 10:02

Sounds like a social bungle on his part. It maybe wasn't the most sensitive way of illustrating his point, but I don't think it's something you need to feel extended offense over really.

paulapompom · 25/07/2015 10:02

Hmm bit odd. Not everyone finds everyone attractive, as you say, but I've never walked along, seen someone and thought 'urrgh ugly'. Never. Was it just a throw away general remark though? He might not have realised how it would come across, and he clearly finds you beautiful. I can see why you are upset but try not to read too much into it. Flowers

Original poster
ninnymuggins84 · 25/07/2015 10:02

Thanks mrschatty. I don't expect him to tell me everyone thinks I'm gorgeous as I know that's not the case...His response to my being upset though is making me question my sanity!

OP posts:
WoonerismSpit · 25/07/2015 10:04

He was trying to make a point in a very clumsy way!

Original poster
ninnymuggins84 · 25/07/2015 10:04

Oh lots more responses! He doesn't think he's said anything wrong...

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 25/07/2015 10:05

I'm not surprised you are upset, he was rude & tactless.

I know I am not a supermodel, but my DH makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. It is one of many reasons why I love him. Your DH has undermined your self esteem a bit and that is not on. You are allowed to be upset and annoyed with him.

When he has had a chance to think about it, he may well realise he was being an arse & engage his brain next time.

gamerwidow · 25/07/2015 10:08

He said something daft but not so offensive that you should should still be sitting here the next day being bothered about it. Let it go he didn't say you were ugly and offensive he just expanded a point to far.

pictish · 25/07/2015 10:11

I remember a mate of mine showing me and a mutual friend a few photos of her new man. After we'd looked through them she said, "Fresh eh?" with a big self congratulatory grin.
We both responded, "Yeah...nice one!" but later we both admitted we'd actually thought 'meh...he's okay'.

They're married now (and very happy) and she's still delighted with her 'fit as fuck' husband, which is great for her, but honestly, he's just like this ordinary bloke. Nothing spesh. I don't fancy him at all...he's a bit thick.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as is the opposite. I think that's what your boyfriend was trying stupidly to say.

YeOldeTrout · 25/07/2015 10:19

I'm in the YABU camp.,
You're taking it way too seriously, OP. I'd be right back at DH about how he's the most minging looking guy on the planet to someone, too. It's just chitchat. It doesn't have to mean anything.

...and I don't get this "Need to be Beautiful" thing. We all end up dead or Ugly & Weak followed by dead after all. So what?

Muddlewitch · 25/07/2015 10:25

Me neither Paula I don't think I've ever thought someone was 'ugly' just that some people are attractive to me and some are not.

OP I don't think you are unreasonable to feel upset, I would too, he took it too far.

Original poster
ninnymuggins84 · 25/07/2015 10:27

Id have left it lastnight if he could have seen that it was a bit rude and perhaps moved on but i was laid into for being offended. He has said he would be ugly to some people. I just don't see why it couldn't have been left as it's' horses for courses.' No need for the rude tactless comments.

OP posts:
RachelRagged · 25/07/2015 10:27

Oh OP , ,How horrible.

Flowers
pictish · 25/07/2015 10:32

I think I would have responded "I hope I'm not offensive and hideous to anyone thanks. Are you actually 'offended' by the looks of many people walking past? What a daft thing to say, and I'll thank you for not continuing along this vein to make a point, thank you!" with a mock hard stare.

He was a dick...but I don't think he was a purposely hurtful dick, just a stupid dick.

LilyMayViolet · 25/07/2015 10:33

Well it's horrible unless you were mucking about and laughing too!

Original poster
ninnymuggins84 · 25/07/2015 10:47

Haha pictish Grin

Thanks- feeling slightly less unhinged now!

OP posts:
springlamb · 25/07/2015 10:48

I don't see how "offensive" can be used to describe anyone's appearance tbh. Behaviour can be offensive, language can be offensive. A slogan on someone's t-shirt might be offensive. But a person's hair/features/body? It may be different to your preference. But surely no-one wanders through this life expecting to find everyone they look at attractive, and everyone else offensive.
I think you were both being silly discussing people's appearance in such terms. I know that DH finds me attractive, I know that his Mate1 doesn't as his preference is for smaller frames, I know that Mate2 doesn't as his preference is for a different ethnic group. This is their 'attractiveness' preference and it doesn't affect their everyday settings.
It was a silly conversation to have, and even sillier to begin to apply it to each other.

Spartans · 25/07/2015 11:08

So you were chatting about how other people can be unattractive to some people and you both agreed that can be the case?

But don't like that he said it about you? Confused

Spartans · 25/07/2015 11:09

Are you the same poster who got upset because their oh said 'you are the most beautiful girl in the world to me?

Original poster
ninnymuggins84 · 25/07/2015 11:14

Unattractive yes. Ugly and offensive ? No. I'm a newbie. Joined this morning to save my sanity.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 25/07/2015 19:18

That's pretty different spartans - she agreed she might not be attractive to everyone but that's a far cry from 'ugly and offensive'!