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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about missing the boat

23 replies

churchfield · 25/07/2015 08:17

I am 35 soon and I really would like children but am single. Not really sure about having a child alone potentially - it just seems a huge, huge step to take - but I don't know; I feel sad about possibly never having children and that seems as if it might be a distinct possibility.

I suppose i am posting:

a) for tales of hope - did you meet a partner after 35 and have children or
b) is being single and childless really 'that' bad?

Thanks :)

OP posts:

FuryFowler · 25/07/2015 08:31

Have you had any long term relationships in the past? How come they didn't work out? Or have you been concentrating on other things such as career/traveling?
I have a friend who is 36 and has never had a relationship longer than 9 months as she is soooo fussy! She's a bit like Chandler from friends and picks up on silly things such as hairstyle or messy car. She understands that she needs to let her high standards slide a bit!

My sil met her dh at 37, she had their 1st baby at 42. It was by ivf but it happened :)

FuryFowler · 25/07/2015 08:33

Oh, I am quite jealous of my picky friend as she has done lots of traveling and has progressed a lot further than me in the career we are both in. This is definately down to her not having children. I love my dc, but would also love to be where she is career wise

Original poster

churchfield · 25/07/2015 08:39

No, no ltr's. I suppose I have been quite focused on my career and some other stuff :)

OP posts:

patienceisvirtuous · 25/07/2015 08:43

I was single at 35 (due to several failed relationships - two commitment phobic men and one cheat) and decided to go it alone because to me, that was infinitely preferable to not having a family...

However, I met DP a few weeks before my appointment at the fertility clinic. We really hit it off so I decided to postpone for just a few months to see if it would go anywhere (I had reservations because of the pressure re my fertility and because DP is 8 years younger than me).

Anyway, fast-forward to now, nearly three years later. We're engaged, bought a lovely house and I currently 12 weeks pregnant (it's not been easy - two previous miscarriages and we haven't had 12 week scan with this baby yet).

So... It can definitely happen. I met DP on a night out. Are you getting the chance to meet new people?

If I were you I would definitely have a backup plan though which I wouldn't leave too much later to implement - just because from experience, if you run into fertility problems you need time.

Good luck.

vdbfamily · 25/07/2015 08:56

I met my DH when I was 34, married at 35 and had 3 children in following 3.5 years. I had never had a boyfriend previously and thought I was going to stay single.

marcopront · 25/07/2015 08:59

I met someone at 37, fell in love, got pregnant. Had a great first two years of the baby's life together. Then he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.

Now I am a happy 47 year single parent.

Athenaviolet · 25/07/2015 09:02

If I were you I'd have a child alone.

But I'm someone who wants dcs more than I want a life partner iykwim?

Original poster

churchfield · 25/07/2015 09:11

I don't have any support which means having a child alone would be difficult not least because there's no one to have him or her if I died.

OP posts:

Jollyphonics · 25/07/2015 09:30

I had kids alone by IVF because when I was 36 my fiancé announced that he'd decided he didn't want kids. I knew that I really wanted kids, and I just didn't want to risk not meeting anyone in time. So we split up and did it alone.

However, a couple of my friends who were single at similar ages weren't as impatient as me, and they both ended up getting husbands and children by the time they were 40.

What I would say OP, is that if you think there's a possibility you may decide to go it alone, then start making enquiries now, because it took almost a year for me to be able to start treatment. I had to have a consultation, blood tests, tests of tubal patency, laparoscopy, mandatory counselling, and my case had to be put before an ethics committee (which only met every 2 months). Things may have changed since then, but that was all standard procedure when I did it 12 years ago.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 25/07/2015 10:08

OP - if someone says: "oh, you're too fussy".
all you need say to them is: "clearly, you never were".
you still have time.
i know a lot of people over 35 who found love.

Xenadog · 25/07/2015 10:18

DP and I met when we were both 38. I was pregnant at 39 (unplanned) and became a mum at 40.

It does happen. I quite liked DP when I first met him but more in a "he is a nice friendly chap" way rather than a "he is my soulmate" way. Never expected it to develop as it has (indeed wasn't looking for anything long term after a recent disastrous LTR) but you can't plan these things. I just went into it all with an open mind and life is now good.

Original poster

churchfield · 25/07/2015 12:28

Thanks, this is very encouraging to read.

Jollyphonics, i'd love to go alone but unfortunately it just isn't practical in any sense of the word.

OP posts:

RachelRagged · 25/07/2015 13:35

Thought this would be about missing a boat to France or something

YANBU OP , However my Auntie had her first and only daughter at the age of 43, don't give up.

ChickenMe · 25/07/2015 15:24

Hi I got together with my OH at 35 and we now have a baby. I had her when I was 38. I never thought I would be so lucky.
When you meet the one you will probably have to be blunt about wanting kids. No time wasters!

Trills · 25/07/2015 16:50

I'm someone who wants dcs more than I want a life partner

Maybe you (OP) should consider what Athenaviolet said there.

What kind of person are you and what do you want out of life?

Original poster

churchfield · 25/07/2015 16:52

I've already explained trills - I don't want to be in a position where I might have to leave a child completely alone. Might be different if I had family but I don't.

OP posts:

ElviraCondomine · 25/07/2015 16:59

My BIL and SIL met and married in their 40s, and had a baby a couple of years later. First marriage for each (in fact in the previous 20 years BIL had only had a couple of short relationships) and they are very happy.

Battleshiphips · 25/07/2015 17:13

I'm not single but I'm pg and when baby is born I'll be 2 months off 40. So age wise for having children if you did want to wait for a while then the possibility of children is still there. I also have around 4 friends who have had children around 42/43. A lady my mum was friend with yrs ago met someone at 41, got married at 43 and had a baby at 45.

StarlingMurmuration · 25/07/2015 17:14

I met DP when I was approaching 35, I'm not 37 and we have an 8 month old DS. So it could happen easily!

motherinferior · 25/07/2015 17:26

Signing in as another single at 35 - had a series of relationships that ended very badly and was v glum about my future; like you I wanted kids but not to go it alone.

I had a stupid affair that ended badly...and then I took up with a rather nice man and got an unexpected positive pregnancy test on my 37th birthday .

DadfromUncle · 25/07/2015 17:37

Ex was late thirties when we met, gave birth to our only DC three days before she was 40 - totally natural conception. Left me 4 years ago, but I still see DD almost every day and we are on reasonable terms. I am pleased we had DD - sad we aren't together, and maybe a little fussy (hence no LTR since), but feeling no pressure now (I was the broody one actually).

Chippedrippedandstinking · 25/07/2015 17:55

It's great that you know what you want. Are giving it everything to get it? I have sibling like you but the way they live their life, a perfect partner would have to throw themselves over the bonnet of the car for them to notice.

thatsn0tmyname · 25/07/2015 18:03

I met my partner in my mid 30s and had two children at 38 and 40 with no problems (I know we are very lucky). Personally, I wouldn't have children alone as our two have tested us-I would have a bloody nice life child -free with all the trimmings instead. I don't honestly know how single people afford children unless they are earning megabucks. It's not too late to find a partner.

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