To be annoyed?

[holidaysareoverated]

My 'DH' often decides to go to the pub after work for half an hour or an hour. To his mind that is perfectly ok as it's not very long. Even half an hour in the pub ( and it rarely is only that long!) means he doesn't get home until 8pm at the earliest.

We have a toddler and another baby on the way. I also work and have to leave early every night to collect the toddler. If my husband doesn't get home until 8pm or later I have to do the bedtime routine by myself. This involves at least 30 minutes of trying to get the toddler to sleep but sometimes an hour.
So my day basically goes - up get myself and toddler ready, work and nursery, rush home ( a commute), sort out nursery bag, sort things at home ie pets, feed toddler, bath toddler, try to get toddler to sleep, prepare dinner, eat then collapse into bed myself.

If my husband is home he can take over bath and bedtime or cook dinner so we eat at a reasonable time. If he decides to go to the pub I end up doing it all and get no downtime at all.

We end up arguing about this all the time as it really annoys me that he thinks he can just decide to go to the pub whenever he wants. He thinks it's completely ok if it's not for long. But he is totally blind to the impact even an hour in the pub for him has on me. I'm not saying he can never go out. He does frequently. But I think these things need to be planned in advance. If I want to do anything in the evening I have to pre book it so that my husband leaves work early to do nursery pick up. I can never spontaneously decide to do things, so I do feel it's unfair that he thinks he has that right because I'm already at home to do the childcare.

AIBU?

[Dynomite]

I think he does realize the impact on you and he goes to the pub BECAUSE he doesn't want to do bath/bedtime.
You see, if he comes straight from work he has to take care of the kids. If he comes 30min-1hr late you will have done it all.

This together with everything else tells me you would be happier and better off without him. He has opted out of parenthood and your marriage a long time ago. At least if you get a divorce, he'll have to take the kids off your hands once in a while (I doubt he'd do 50-50). Stay with him.and you'll never get a break.

[BeaufortBelle]

Hmm, in that case he needs a wake up call. What I said up thread was premised on the fact that DH leaves the house at 7am and gets home at 9.30/10 and it's usually all work. That compared to my 8.45-6.15 so our overall input has always been equal.

But what was HIS parenting like. Did he see his father help out? I think it's an important consideration. DH never bought the children a toy, rolled on the floor with them or wowed over Christmas because his father/parents didn't do it with him. Over the years he has adjusted, sometimes because I have insisted but I do think we are all products of our childhoods and sometimes a couple has to work quite hard together to gain a mutual understanding.

He fancied steak instead of salad; that's a pretty blokey stance although it would have been good if he'd bought salad too.

[SchwarzwalderKirschtorte]

His mother has to him it's because I'm pregnant and therefore irrational, but this has been an issue far longer than I've been pregnant

There's part of your problem. She has undermined you in his eyes so now anything you say is because you're irrational and you don't mean what you say. My ex-MIL would have ripped my ex a new one if he'd gone whining to her under these circumstances! She was always on my side over things like this.

Think you would be better off without him - you virtually are, anyway!

[holidaysareoverated]

He wasn't expected to eat the salad it was for me. The point is that he got nothing for me...

His dad ran off and left when he was five.

[Mygardenistoobig]

Op- he bought nothing for you because sadly you do not feature on his radar.

If he really cared about you, instead of having a good old time down the pub, he would think, will my going drinking have a negative effect on holiday?