To be annoyed?

[holidaysareoverated]

My 'DH' often decides to go to the pub after work for half an hour or an hour. To his mind that is perfectly ok as it's not very long. Even half an hour in the pub ( and it rarely is only that long!) means he doesn't get home until 8pm at the earliest.

We have a toddler and another baby on the way. I also work and have to leave early every night to collect the toddler. If my husband doesn't get home until 8pm or later I have to do the bedtime routine by myself. This involves at least 30 minutes of trying to get the toddler to sleep but sometimes an hour.
So my day basically goes - up get myself and toddler ready, work and nursery, rush home ( a commute), sort out nursery bag, sort things at home ie pets, feed toddler, bath toddler, try to get toddler to sleep, prepare dinner, eat then collapse into bed myself.

If my husband is home he can take over bath and bedtime or cook dinner so we eat at a reasonable time. If he decides to go to the pub I end up doing it all and get no downtime at all.

We end up arguing about this all the time as it really annoys me that he thinks he can just decide to go to the pub whenever he wants. He thinks it's completely ok if it's not for long. But he is totally blind to the impact even an hour in the pub for him has on me. I'm not saying he can never go out. He does frequently. But I think these things need to be planned in advance. If I want to do anything in the evening I have to pre book it so that my husband leaves work early to do nursery pick up. I can never spontaneously decide to do things, so I do feel it's unfair that he thinks he has that right because I'm already at home to do the childcare.

AIBU?

[RJnomore]

It's not the solution but have you tried texting him at lunch and saying right I have made an arrangement after work you need to get the child, see you later and then swanning in at the same time he would expecting your dinner and a sleeping child?

What is wrong with these men. I'm sorry op, you deserve much better, you deserve help and support. I have a feeling it's sticking plasters when you need surgery but what about agreeing one night a week say Thursday he can pop to the pub but then a Tuesday he is home early and does nursery pick up.

If he doesn't get why it's a problem it won't help though.

[redexpat]

When you were working out logistics of having a dc, why did it fall to you to change your hours? What is stopping him from requesting flexible working and leaving work early 2 dats per week?

[SomewhereIBelong]

Does he resent your shorter working day? What would happen if you worked longer hours?

Perhaps he sees that you work shorter hours so have more general "freedom", more of the nice side of life, than he does - so he "deserves" the pub - since you have been home for hours longer than him.

[Athenaviolet]

He has completely opted out of parenting.

I think you'd be better off as a single parent!

[TheBeagleHasLanded]

Is this issue the catalyst for you thinking about ending things or is it the final straw amongst other problems in the marriage?

[mojo17]

He has opted out hasn't he, and also perhaps deliberately and selfishly not seeing a problem
Have you told him its a deal breaker?
Do you have family you could call on to support you for the rest of the year?
Make a plan to look after yourself. Take some holiday and go and stay with family or friends for the weekend perhaps just telling him while you're on route
Or get up on sat morning and give him the toddler and tell him you're going yo stay away the night and see you tomorrow so he can see how much hard work it is on your own.

[silverglitterpisser]

I couldn't like or respect a person who put "their" time above our family n who could c me struggle (especially now u r pregnant) but would turn a blind eye to it just so they could go to the pub. It would hurt me that he already had a tiny window to spend time with the DC n he would often choose to miss that time for a few pints.

Everyone needs time out but at an agreed time that suits all, not whenever they feel like. He is not behaving like a husband or father, OP, I'd be giving him the talk n soon n I'd be making big changes if he refuses to accept his responsibilities.

Sorry u r goin thru this .

[museumum]

I find it tough doing 90% of pick ups and dinner. Even though my dh comes home for bath most nights and the 10% of pick ups he died in away overnight or till very late.
If my my dh took the piss like yours id NEED to have a couple of evenings when I was "free" and could work late or go to the pub or gym and just basically not be the responsible parent. Without that I'd go crazy with resentment at the inequality.
As far as I can see you have two choices - leave your marriage, or have him rearrange his working life to give you a couple of evenings when he does pick up and dinner.
It's a harsh choice but your 'd'h clearly cannot be trusted to just come straight home after work which is sad.

[ohtheholidays]

OP it sounds like you've already made your decision to end the marriage and I don't blame you!

YANBU but your husband is and it sounds like he has been for a long time.

From today I'd start making plans for yourself your LO and your baby your expecting!

Start making a plan,work out where your live with your 2 LO's?
Do you rent or own your house?
will you stay put and he moves out,or will you move out to live somewhere else with the children whilst he stays put.
Or will you both move out and sell the house and find somewhere else to rent or buy for yourself and the children.

Work out your budget.Think about what you want to do about your job when the baby is here.Will the baby join your toddler at the child care you already have in place or will you hire a Nanny or an au pair or will the LO be with family or friends whilst your at work?
Will your husband look after your toddler whilst your in hospital having your baby or do you have friends/family that could look after your LO whilst your having the baby?

Find out what you could be entitled to for yourself and your LO's.

Have a think about how you want to split child care/custody.

I split up with my 1st husband and these are all things I wished someone had told me to work out before I made him leave.

Splitting with him was the best thing I have ever done in my life.It changed everything for myself and my 2 sons.I've gone onto re marry and now have 5DC and my husband now is a million miles away from the arse that I used to be married to.

I know it can feel really scary at the begining,but if you decide to go your own way with your children I promise not only will you be okay,you'll be great!

[RiverTam]

I'm abut puzzled. To begin with it founded pretty shit and you were definitely not u, but now I'm not do sure. We're talking a couple of nights a week? Sometimes not even that? Is he hands on the rest of the time? Because it doesn't sound as though he's completely opted out to me. I totally get that bedtime with a toddler is hard work, and you need to know that he'll step up when the baby comes, but in and of itself I don't really see the problem if it's all present and correct the rest if the time.

[RiverTam]

Sorry about typos, sodding phone.

[Jackiebrambles]

Have you told him you are thinking of ending the marriage because of this? If not then he needs to know how serious you are.

You are not being unreasonable at all - I've got a toddler and a newborn and my dh would never do the pub post work without at least a few days notice - we need two pairs of hands for bath/bedtime, as a pp it's the hardest part of the day!!

[Horsemad]

Ring your DH from work one day and say you've gone to the pub so he needs to collect the toddler and do bathtime.

[Mygardenistoobig]

I understand exactly what you are saying op.
My ex h was the same, only probably worse because he insisted on going out at weekends too.

It isn't the length of time that is the issue it is the fact it coincides with the pressure point of bedtime etc.

Looking back now I was a fool to tolerate it but I was told that I was the unreasonable one. That I was controlling etc.

We are no longer together and in many ways my life is so much easier as a single parent.

I don't think it us your responsibility to have to parent your oh.

Tell him once more that you are pissed off with being left to do the donkey work and then if he doesn't change leave, or tell him to leave.

Your routine will be the same except you will have one less 'child' to deal with.

My dcs were older and my dd1 has told me that she would never tolerate what I did with her father.

Good luck op. Remember you have the rest of your life to consider don't waste it on someone unworthy of you .

[Bejeena]

You just need to make an excuse to go out somewhere, even if you go out and sit on a bench on your own with a book. Do it at least twice a week for next few weeks, rush out the door as soon as he gets in. Obviously you can tell him in advance but no holding back once he key is in door you get your coat on. Just go out for an hour and come home when dcs are in bed.

[lulu12345]

OP I could have written your post, am in same situation with 6 week old baby. Also thought things would change when we had baby but they didn't. Not sure what we can do but I think BeaufortBelle makes some good points that there are pros to the situation, if we look hard enough...

[KittensOnAPlane]

I dont think you are being unreasonable, but i don't think you should give up just yet

Over a month, how many times does he do this? You said above, this week might be twice, and next week none - that doesn't sound horrific, that's once a week, and we don't know what he did last week etc

He can't do the toddler collect without notice, well thats due to his work place, not really his fault. Why dont you get him to pick toddler up once a week? I know its not 'spontaneous' - but it is a compromise


"Things have to be planned in advance. It's boring and a drag but that's the reality of family life."
Well, no not really - If my DH said he was just going to the pub now and again, its not that big a deal (fair enough we are not at the stage of children you are)
You're taking it out on him, because you think his life hasnt changed and yours has

" He drank too much and came home with £40 worth of beer and stuff for himself, nothing I'd asked for." this is wrong - what did he come back with? can you afford £40 of beer?


I think there are other things here you are not happy with - and you could maybe show him this thread so he realises how unhappy you actually are

[Battleshiphips]

Yanbu at all. I have been a sahm since our ds was born he is now almost 8 and my DH has always helped out. Even now when he gets home from work tired he does bedtime with our Ds. I actually get mad with him because he tries to do housework in the evening! I tell him to go relax. We've got another on the way and I've got morning all day and night sickness at the minute so he's took our ds out today so I can have a lie in. If you are working also then I see no reason why the load should not be split equally.

[samsonthecat]

Holidays I do understand how frustrating it can be to be default childcare. I left exh just over 4 years ago and my life is so much happier without all the simmering resentment. I also have 2dc and now have to do it all as well as work but it is easier without having a man child along as additional baggage. If I want to go out I organise and pay for a babysitter so there is no one to let me down at the last minute.
If you have made up your mind that the marriage is over you need to get all your ducks in a row. It is a hard decision to make and one that only you can make. Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

[skankingpiglet]

I agree with RiverTam that a couple of odd hours out doesn't sound too bad. However, you most certainly should be getting the same. Also there needs to be a bit of allowance for you being able to say 'D'ya know what, I really need your help tonight. Please can you come straight home' as pregnancy is tough and some days you do just need to rest a bit.
Also, and I say this in the most gentle well-meaning way I can, do you think the pregnancy hormones are making you feel this is a bigger issue than it would normally be? I only say it as I had bouts of huge unreasonableness when I was pregnant (on a completely different scale to anything you've described could be construed as). The difference being my lovely DH just smiled and indulged me as he realised I was struggling and cares about me and was probably terrified of the crazy lady he found himself living with.
Would laying it on the line with him help? If you're really prepared to go and have things in place if necessary it's got to be worth a go? Some people just don't get the seriousness until you're walking out the door.

[AyeAmarok]

He's not really part of your family, is he?

He seems to like having a family "on paper" but doesn't actually want to need to have any involvement whatsoever.

I don't think you can change someone like this.

[Horsemad]

It isn't fair that his life hasn't changed and that he can just stop off at the pub on a whim, whereas the OP is the default carer.
I can see why you feel resentful, OP.

[UrethraFranklin1]

He's a dick and he doesn't care about you, your feelings, or our child. You know this.
Why are you having another baby with him? Why are you still with him? Yes, its his fault he's a dick but why are you allowing him to live with you and take advantage of you?

[holidaysareoverated]

I only work 30 mins less a day than he does. I leave an hour earlier but only get a 30 min lunch.

Sometimes he is ok but it does feel as though he sees it as something he does to help out. Parenting that is.

On Tuesday he knew I was struggling. I called to say that I couldn't go to the supermarket as our toddler was tantruming hence why he went. He said he was coming straight home but hung up the phone and went back in the pub. He got home after 8pm and I was still dealing with a screaming toddler. I was then deemed unreasonable to be pissed off because he had not bought the salad I asked for but instead had beer, ice cream, coke and steak.

His mother has to him it's because I'm pregnant and therefore irrational, but this has been an issue far longer than I've been pregnant.