To be annoyed?

[holidaysareoverated]

My 'DH' often decides to go to the pub after work for half an hour or an hour. To his mind that is perfectly ok as it's not very long. Even half an hour in the pub ( and it rarely is only that long!) means he doesn't get home until 8pm at the earliest.

We have a toddler and another baby on the way. I also work and have to leave early every night to collect the toddler. If my husband doesn't get home until 8pm or later I have to do the bedtime routine by myself. This involves at least 30 minutes of trying to get the toddler to sleep but sometimes an hour.
So my day basically goes - up get myself and toddler ready, work and nursery, rush home ( a commute), sort out nursery bag, sort things at home ie pets, feed toddler, bath toddler, try to get toddler to sleep, prepare dinner, eat then collapse into bed myself.

If my husband is home he can take over bath and bedtime or cook dinner so we eat at a reasonable time. If he decides to go to the pub I end up doing it all and get no downtime at all.

We end up arguing about this all the time as it really annoys me that he thinks he can just decide to go to the pub whenever he wants. He thinks it's completely ok if it's not for long. But he is totally blind to the impact even an hour in the pub for him has on me. I'm not saying he can never go out. He does frequently. But I think these things need to be planned in advance. If I want to do anything in the evening I have to pre book it so that my husband leaves work early to do nursery pick up. I can never spontaneously decide to do things, so I do feel it's unfair that he thinks he has that right because I'm already at home to do the childcare.

AIBU?

[petalsandstars]

Don't live like this forever - make plans to get out.

[scribbles1980]

holidays I used to be like you & understand how exhausting it is. When baby no 2 comes along it will be (for a while) even harder.
I was a sahm and used to literally watch the clock willing it to get to 6.30 (when my husband used to get home).
If he ever phoned to say he was popping out for a quick drink it would leave me a sobbing wreck.
The resentment I used to feel that he could on a whim just nip to the pub, even for a few hours would drive me mad.
My husband really didn't get it. Not because he was nasty but just didn't understand. Maybe you could arrange to go out from work yourself one night. He can leave work early (for once ) and do the pick up, bath etc. This MAY get him to see things from your perspective a little.
I think the thing with some men is they want to carry on as normal when children arrive and just don't see it.
As I said it will be harder when baby arrives so you need to sort this out now. Or the resentment will build and build.
I do feel for you as I have been there. It does get better

[holidaysareoverated]

He'd have nobody to go with once he gets back here. Straight after work all the unmarried or childless people are free for drinking.
Since it's not every night he can't see why it's out of order. He did it on Tuesday night which resulted in a row because he was supposed to pick up dinner on his way home. He drank too much and came home with £40 worth of beer and stuff for himself, nothing I'd asked for. I was then the unreasonable one for being annoyed that he hadn't got the salad I'd requested. I ended up with a sandwich made with stale bread for my dinner. So when he text again on Thursday to say he was going for half an hour to a leaving do I flipped. All he can say is that there is no point in him being honest with me. That he should have just come home and not let on that he had been to the pub.

Nowhere in his mind does he think that maybe he should just not go to the pub. That he should actually want to see his family!

[holidaysareoverated]

Me going out after work wouldn't make any difference. He is happy to arrange to finish work early and collect our toddler. He is never in the situation where it's regularly just dropped on him at the last minute.

[LilyMayViolet]

My god, he is a selfish git! Of course yanbu. His behaviour is absolutely not on. I cannot imagine living with someone as immature and irresponsible. I don't blame you for wanting to leave him.

[Totality22]

If you don't actually mind him going to the pub for an hour then why can't he come home and then go after helping with dinner / toddler?

Every night is a bit much for my liking but I wouldn't object to doing it the way I suggest above a few times per week.

As things stand he is being a selfish arsehole.

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

He seems to think that he can justify it by saying it's only an hour. But how long he spends there is irrelevant. It could be an hour or three hours but regardless he's leaving you to do tea and bedtime every other night.

He's totally opting out of family life and seeing his child when he gets home. I'd be furious and wondering what the point of being with him was. He sounds useless and he doesn't care.

[holidaysareoverated]

Part of me is dreading the new baby arriving. It's just before Christmas and I can see my husband going out all the time and me struggling to cope. He keeps saying that won't happen but it will. He has let me down time and time again. So why should I trust him?

This is a big part of the reason I am trying to break things off now. So I can be fully prepared for coping alone by the time this baby comes along.

[holidaysareoverated]

I want to point out its not every night or every other night. This week it's been twice, next week it might not be at all. Another reason he doesn't see my issue.

He can't go to the pub after the toddler is in bed. He goes with colleagues and we live nowhere near his office.

[Totality22]

Gosh my post above was in response to just reading your opening post... now you have shared more information I am completely aghast!

I had DC2 6 months ago and was working full time until 38w and we have a toddler too. I struggled with a vast amount of help from DP as quite frankly its fucking exhausting second time around (first time if I was shattered I could nap / rest, you have no chance of that with a toddler)

You are for all intents purposes a single mother at the moment anyway so I'd suggest you give some serious thought to asking him to leave.

You are in a vulnerable position (no-one wants to have a baby alone) but he is treating you like utter crap. I'd be having a serious rethink about this relationship!

[Hadalifeonce]

Just as an aside, I would certainly NOT be preparing dinner for him. I would eat earlier (with DC), then put my feet up after DC is in bed. Perhaps making his own evening meal might prompt some thought?

[Totality22]

Although it may "only" be twice a week - and some weeks not at all - it's obviously bothering you a lot?

Now in the grand scheme of things I am sure a lot of women wouldn't object to their partner having an hour (or two) out a few evenings per week provided when he is home he is taking the burden off you.

Is the issue that he doesn't help when he is home?
Or that he completely disregards you and DC when the offer of a beer after work some up?

Is there other stuff going on?

You say he only goes for an hour or so but you also mention upthread about him coming home with loads of beer and nothing for you to eat - is this common?

I am trying to get to the crux of your issue.

[contractor6]

Is he drinking every night? That could lead to problems. I can barely cope pregnant with the evening meal and tiredness never mind a toddler in the mix yadnbu.

[holidaysareoverated]

Yes my issue is that he disregards us when the offer of the pub comes up. I just don't think that is an option when you are married with small children. Things have to be planned in advance. It's boring and a drag but that's the reality of family life.

Why should my life be completely different to how it used to be, yet he can choose to opt out if he feels like it?

[SophieLeGiraffe]

Oh dear OP you sound very sad. My DH is kind of the same - I'm responsible for most pick ups and the other nights instead of rushing home to us he works late and sometimes goes to the pub, getting home 8-9:30 depending.

When we had DS I thought it would change but it didn't and hasn't. But I do have clear nights when he's in charge that I can work late or go to the pub or whatever )I never do of course). When I come home on time, bedtime reverts to me.

There's no answer really. I love DH so I deal with it and reign him in when it gets too much. I find he often just doesn't get that if you're the one in default charge then it IS hard to organise your life differently. I'm a bit firmer these days about organising my own things or removing myself to make sure he takes charge.

What do you want to happen? It sounds like you're at breaking point but if you live him this is fixable with some time.

[holidaysareoverated]

I've been trying to fix it for 2 years. There's no point anymore.

What I want is to be happy and excited about my new baby. But that's not my reality. My reality is that he won't ever change because he doesn't think its a problem. Or doesn't care as it benefits him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

So what's the plan OP?
If you want to separate then you need to put things in place.
Do you rent or own?
Does he have family nearby so he could move out and in with someone until he finds his own place?
What's your ideal outcome?

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

This is dreadful. He is dreadful!

What will you do. Do you have friends and family that can help?

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Ask him to leave.

[BeaufortBelle]

Reading this I must be mad. But, I have been married for more than 25 years to a very kind, loving, moral, decent and honest man. But, his career has always come very high on the agenda and he is totally driven by it.

I did everything at home (and still do). He was never home for bath/bed, etc., and sometimes it was because of drinks after work - although usually networking, client, type stuff. Nowadays he'll speak at a dinner or something.

Lots and lots of people told me I was nuts 20 years ago and shouldn't put up with it and put my foot down. I even had to get a babysitter if I wanted to go out because he usually couldn't commit or would let me down at the last minute because of work.

The difference I suppose is that I was happy to bear the brunt of home and actually quite enjoyed being totally responsible for it. I have a far less demanding job, in at 9(ish) aways by 6(ish) at the latest which I've done now for about 10/11 years.

The children are nearly grown up and I have complete freedom and do what I want pretty much when I want. The hard yards do fade away but I understand it only works if you are happy with the status quo.

The pros of this sort of life:

I am in charge at home
I am quite happy to have lots of my own space
He appreciates the career freedom he has been given and the support he has had
...this has led to enormous success on his part and we, his family, who have supported him have shared that.

If it helps, he got much better as the children got a bit bigger and he was very supportive of DS's sporting activities and always made time for matches and practices and club related stuff.

Lots and lots of people will lambast this sort of life style but it isn't always bad and it doesn't always work out badly. What's he like at weekends? To be fair he doesn't do it every night - it might just be the way he is and the man you married and fell in love with.

[scribbles1980]

Beufortbelle very well put!
I agree leaving your husband iz a huge thing to do because of a few hours in the pub.
Yes it isn't fair and you are stressed and tired. Maybe sitting him down again and telling him it has got this bad that you are thinking of leaving him may make him realise how much this behaviour is affecting you.
I second the fact it is very important you get some me time at the weekends. Even if it's just a wonder around the shops, peaceful lunch, having a manicure etc.
for you

[scribbles1980]

is and wander

[paulapompom]

Your daily routine of childcare /work/rushing about sounds like mine when my twins were small - except I was a single parent , and didn't have another adult to also look after. I wonder what he is bringing to the relationship? I would be tempted to arrange suitable childcare at your home one evening when he is having an hour in the pub, then go out without telling him. Stay out. Tell him you just felt like going to the pub.
Repeat. It's childish but I would do it to make a point - but I'm sometimes childish and stubborn (when people act like selfish cunts).

Is the alcohol a problem? Sounds like he does get quite drunk sometimes. Would he agree to any kind of therapy, and would that be something you would go for? Don't think you can carry on like this op when the baby comes

[paulapompom]

I mean marriage/relationship counseling or mediation, I think therapy was the wrong word x

[holidaysareoverated]

We are not benefitting from him going to the pub. He isn't a high flier and is not networking. I have my own career and was never going to be the type to sit at home and do it all so he could live life how he fancied.