For my sister to ask my parents for her wedding money

[Allisgood1]

Back story: my sister got secretly married (as in didn't tell any one in my family) when she was 18. My parents found out when she was 19 and they saw her wedding ring. She still never told them (she's still married and 30). A few years ago she was discussing being married with my. Mom and just said "didn't you know?" When mom said "you're married?!". Anyway, the reasons for this is that's parents don't like her dh because a he's a controlling bastard

Anyway, the other day my youngest sister (27) asked my parents for money to start a business. My mom told my sister that she can borrows the amount she asked for (£25k) but it would come out of her wedding fund (£40k and she's single). My middle sister has now emailed my mom asking where her wedding fund is. Mom is annoyed, says by she gave her money last year for a new washer and dryer (several thousand) and she kinda blew it by getting secretly married so my parents spent the money on a new kitchen.

I'm staying out of it, but wonder, was my sister being unreasonable?

Mm not sure where I stand on this.

The sister that got secretly married obviously shouldn't get a wedding fund. However, since your parents have given your other sister some of they money for other reasons....it's has become a general fund rather than a wedding fund. So I can kind of understand where she is coming from.

I would suspect she feels that both of her sisters have had bing sums of money given for different reasons and she isn't getting the same as punishment for getting secretly married.

I also would think your parents don't want to hand over the money if her partner is really dick and will probably take it anyway. But you can't pick your children's partners and really shouldn't punish them for making a choice you don't like.

I kind of see where everyone is coming from.

I would say 40K is ridiculous amount for wedding.

I would also say that DPs treat all DCs equally.

They could possibly put the black sheep DDs share in a trust or something to limit her DH's access to it.

Sibling rivalry is a fearsome thing, don't stoke it.

So your wedding cost 10k but they have put aside 40k for your other sisters wedding and your other sister got a dryer and washing machine.............

Treating children differently, especially in a financial sense will always lead to resentment.

If she is married then she is entitled to a share in any home that her husband buys regardless of her name being on the mortgage.

I think she is being punished because you all don't like her DH.

Sounds like your mum and dad are loving the control they can wield from these wedding funds.
It'd be nice if the 3 of you could step back and say, 'keep it, I don't need it'

Zame I was thinking exactly the same. The whole situation is shit.

Grown up kids know there is money, one doesn't want parents or anyone at wedding years ago so gets married in secret. So is 'punished' because parents had no control over and didn't even attend said wedding. But she behaved stupidly as well by attempting to lie to them, then expecting money.

If you are going to give money to your kids, just dish it out equally for them to spend on what they like, weddings, house deposits, whatever.

You cant keep money aside like that because you want control over your children's weddings. Mil tried it with us and we refused the money.

If the 'wedding fund' had been kept as such, then I don't think your sister would have had any right to be annoyed or to ask for her share. Presumably she chose to marry in secret, so in that case the money wasn't needed.

However, your parents have well and truly muddied the waters by allowing your other sister to take some of her wedding fund share to start a business. This has changed the goal posts and in this case I understand why your sister is annoyed.

Ultimately, it's your parent's money and they can do what they like, but I think they are being unfair by allowing one person to use the money for something other than their wedding. If you change the rules for one person, you change them for everyone.

I got my £5k 'wedding fund' from my dad to use fo a flat deposit which I needed when I got out of a relationship and needed to buy somewhere to live. A few years later I paid for my own wedding.
I didn't ask though (never knew about the fund tbh), dad just offered and told me they had put aside the same amount as they had given my sister

Am torn on this one.

Your sister is taking the piss for suddenly demanding money from your parents (who she deliberately excluded from her wedding and didn't even bother informing them about it for years after??). If my DD did that I would be devastated and deeply hurt and can see why they would be a bit reluctant to hand her a wad of cash. If she had told them straight after she eloped, that would be quite different, but not mentioning it for 11 years? Bonkers.

However your parents are also being a bit unreasonable. They shouldn't really refuse to give one daughter money they have given the others. They can't really use the "it was for your wedding" line, if they're allowing your other sister to use some of her fund for something else!

Your sister sounds rude and entitled and you parents sound spiteful

My DP always made it clear to me and my siblings that they were happy to pay for our weddings (and had savings earmarked for this)...... but (as it turned out later) only if it was the type of wedding THEY wanted ie a big white wedding with bridesmaids and flowers, where all their families and friends were invited and where DP got to be involved in the organising and decision-making.

Personally I don't think that it's great parenting as really that money wasn't a gift to either me or my siblings (though it was talked about as such) but was to fund a social event for my DP that would impress their friends. However, it was their money and theirs to do with as they pleased. My DP would also have paid for the big white wedding but would not have given the money if one of us had got married in secret. It sounds, OP as if your parents are operating on similar lines.

I think the mistake they made in handling this was to refer to the money as a "wedding fund". Using that term has actually caused similar problems in my family as the first sibling getting married assumed "wedding fund" meant it could be spent on their wedding however they saw fit, and it only became clear as they were planning the wedding that actually DP would only pay for a particular type of wedding. So it wasn't really a "wedding fund" as much as it was their savings that they were willing to spend on a very specific style of wedding, and not on anything else.

On a tangent (And probably opening up a whole other can of worms) I agree with your DP about not giving your DSis money for a house deposit. No way in hell would I give any of my DC's money towards the deposit on a house that they would then have no legal rights over - that would basically be the equivalent of gifting money to your DSis' partner.

Kvetch, I've no idea how much my wedding cost either. Quite a lot I suspect, but I had very little choice about most of it. My parents were just very traditional. Weddings were a family affair organised and paid for by the parents of the bride, and that was that. At one point my mother told dh that the arrangements were 'nothing to do with him'! We'd do things very differently now, but twenty years ago we were a bit less assertive.

I'm really surprised at the number of people saying "she didn't tell them about the wedding, tough shit".
People don't get married at 18 without telling their parents for no reason.
I still think there's some serious back story, and that might throw a light on her request for money - which may or may not make her sound less reasonable.

If this husband is abusive, perhaps he's making her ask?
And perhaps this woman that people are quick to call rude and entitled was actually a vulnerable 18yo (maybe even vulnerable because of poor parenting, always the black sheep regardless of money split - fine, say no money because it was only for weddings. But to say "nah, we bought a kitchen - ha ha, screw you for not doing things our way"? Who knows how they said it?

But back to my point: this woman might feel awful asking, but not as awful as she'll be made to feel if she defies her husband.

Who knows? I'm being dramatic here. But... Something's gone on. You just don't get married it secret at 18 and keep that secret without there being more to it.

And I'll say again - she was 19 when they found out. An adult. But young, and their child. I think the onus was on them to say "you got married in secret - talk to us".

She may well have been 18 and vulnerable when she got married. However, she is now 30 and made no effort to talk to her parents about it for 11 years. Funnily enough, until she/her husband realised they they missed out on a shed-load of money! She might well have had very good reasons for not telling her parents about the wedding (they frankly sound a bit controlling and mean-spirited themselves). But for whatever reason, she has not maintained a close relationship with them and so she shouldn't really be that surprised that they aren't willing to just hand over a large wad of cash because she's demanding it now. You can't suddenly decide to play happy families because it benefits you financially. And if she is in the awful position of being in a controlling relationship, that is still not a reason for them to just hand over a load of money to her. BTW, as in my previous post, I think the parents are being unreasonable and unfair too!

It sounds like both sides have behaved oddly and things have only reached a head as there is jealousy and money involved.

One sister doesn't have a clue what her wedding cost because her parents paid for everything.

One sister got married in secret at 18.

Are we guessing that the parents are quite controlling?

I'm on the side that if you put aside an amount of money for your kids, you make sure it's equal (and make sure you can afford for it to be equal).

If someone gets married in secret and tries to keep their marriage secret for 10 years there are much deeper issues going on than a wedding fund. And problems which go deeper than the family not being keen on her DH.

I actually suspect that the controlling ones here are OPs parents. And that they use their wealth as a means of manipulating their children into behaving the way they wish them to.

OP seems to have got married to someone they approve of and not made any choices they don't like. She was given a 10k wedding. They approve of little Sis setting up a business and intending to marry one day. She's getting £25k for a business, 15k for a wedding. Other DS married someone they didn't like. She is not getting money to invest or for a wedding. She got a washer and a dryer.

That's just not fair. Even the argument that they specifically saved it for a wedding doesn't really stand up because they are giving it to little sis for other purposes and presumably could have hung onto middle sis's, even if for her kids education or similar.

I imagine that if little sis announced that her new business was a lap dancing club and she was marrying a stripper called Wayne who'd only been out of jail two months her £40k would disappear fairly quickly too and OPs parents would be having a nice few holidays and the bathroom redone.

It's simply not fair to give £40k to one kid and buy the other one a washer and a dryer. And it's not fair to decide whether or not to give your kids money on whether or not you approve of their life choices when those life choices are not actively hurting anyone else (eg not joining ISIS or becoming the president of the NRA).

It doesn't say anywhere DS only told them about the wedding when she found out about her sisters fund.

My parents paid for my sister's wedding. They have set aside money for my wedding. I am with my partner over 20 years with no intention of marrying, ever. It would never occur to me that they should give me the money. If we were going to get married they would cover the expense, since we are not getting married there is no expense to be covered.

lazy - the way I read it is that the sister got married in secret at 18, didn't tell the parents. Parents find out 1 year later but don't ask sister about it. Sister knows they know, so doesn't mention it either. Somehow both sides manage not to talk about it at all for 11 years!? Until sister finds out little sister is being given money out of a wedding fund. She then emails parents to ask where her so-called "wedding fund" is. Parents refuse to give her money as she didn't tell them about her wedding at the time. Sounds crazy from all sides!

this was not in uk, so secret wedding culturally may have been a big no-no and/or an embarrassment for the parents,depends on the country and that would also influence whether if things went wrong whether she would get 50% of house if not on the mortgage or deeds in that country it may mean she gets nothing,hence DF reluctance to help with a deposit when the sisters DH refuses to put her on mortgage

it is silly to assume that rules on splitting assets after divorce elsewhere are the same as Uk

I got married before my grandmother died and before my grandparents died. So my parents funds were lower then than they are now. Plus they have now nearly paid off their mortgage. I don't think my parents "set aside" a specific wedding fund, but being religious and cultural they always knew that having three daughters meant paying for three weddings.

They also paid for our education. My middle sister and I went to a cheaper local university. My youngest sister chose a more expensive university. We all had all our fees paid. Not for one second do I feel it's not fair that one got more college money than me.

I have never asked my parents for money outside of my wedding and college education. If I did I'm sure they would help me. My middle sister who get nothing of her dh decided to walk out. I would bet anything the money is being set aside for that day. Also, my mom helps my sister out with buying her things, her kids stuff, etc all the time. She is hardly going empty handed!

My sister dated her dh all through school and he was emotionally abusive. We all saw this. Then she married him and didn't tell anyone AND was living at home with my parents at the time. It wasn't secret for 11 years, a few years back it all came out but in the form bof "you knew that mom". Mom said she wanted her to tell her herself. Yes, my parents suck at talking. Especially my dad who is emotionally unavailable. Neither forgive easily so I can see why my sister didn't want to tell them. As a matter of fact, when my dad found out he disowned her. They didn't talk for about 7 years and then he came to his senses and called her and apologized etc.

And yes, my parents are weird. But not controlling. Or evil. Or manipulative.

It all sounds a bit dysfunctional tbh! Yeah your sis is BU to demand/ask/expect money just because she got married and they didn't pay for a wedding at the time.

Hmm tough one. She shouldn't have asked but I think parents should be equal. If they've saved that amount for yours and your sisters wedding they should give the same to your other sister for something else like a house or whatever.

£40k isn't that ridiculous, for some people. My cousin (well, her parents) spent £45k on her wedding, which I personally thought was a bit too much but apparently they didn't.

I don't think your sister is being unreasonable personally. Both my sister and I have a similar set up with our Mum. Our Dad died and left a substantial amount of money in life insurance etc. We both were alloted £20k each by our Mum - mine went towards my wedding, buying a house, things for the kids etc. My sister (who is no where near getting married) has used her's so far for university, a car and is keeping the rest to go towards deposit on a property.

That money should be to help your out in your lives - regardless of your goals. Weddings, business, mortgages etc. If your sister has a purpose for the money she should get it. But I don't think parents should just handover the money whenever, wherever.