Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

For my sister to ask my parents for her wedding money

100 replies

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 21:31

Back story: my sister got secretly married (as in didn't tell any one in my family) when she was 18. My parents found out when she was 19 and they saw her wedding ring. She still never told them (she's still married and 30). A few years ago she was discussing being married with my. Mom and just said "didn't you know?" When mom said "you're married?!". Anyway, the reasons for this is that's parents don't like her dh because a he's a controlling bastard

Anyway, the other day my youngest sister (27) asked my parents for money to start a business. My mom told my sister that she can borrows the amount she asked for (Â£25k) but it would come out of her wedding fund (Â£40k and she's single). My middle sister has now emailed my mom asking where her wedding fund is. Mom is annoyed, says by she gave her money last year for a new washer and dryer (several thousand) and she kinda blew it by getting secretly married so my parents spent the money on a new kitchen.

I'm staying out of it, but wonder, was my sister being unreasonable?

OP posts:

verystressedmum · 24/07/2015 21:59

So your sister got married 12 years ago didn't tell anyone. Then your parents found out a year later (11years ago) but didn't tell her that they knew. So now when they are discussing being married your mum pretended she didn't know your sister was married.
And now your sister wants 40K for a wedding that happened 12 years ago??

verystressedmum · 24/07/2015 22:01

Didn't your parents say anything when they found out all those years ago or has no one mentioned it (for 11 years)??

theblairbitchproject · 24/07/2015 22:01

Ummm just one question:

Where is my god damn popcorn?!!!

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 22:01

Absolutely not a stealth post. I'm not rich, my parents don't live in a mansion and don't live luxuriously. Both my parents parents are gone and they had hefty sums of money come their way which they saved not spent. My dad started buying stocks when he was a teenager and saves everything.

I have no idea what my wedding cost. I didn't ask.

All three of us had our university education and living expenses paid so we wouldn't have to work while studying or start out professional lives in debt. We also didn't grow up in the UK (if that makes any difference).

I actually have no opinion on this. I can totally see both sides so it's interesting hearing your views

OP posts:

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 22:03

Yep, that's my family drama

Mom knew and didn't say anything. Sister knew she knew so didn't say anything either. I found out and was living here so kept my mouth shut all together!

OP posts:

FixItUpChappie · 24/07/2015 22:07

Your sister is so, SO unreasonable. It's none of her business what your parents spend their money on or for what. None of you are entitled to any of their money. Anything they do give you is a lovely gift.

Besides, it's beyond cheeky to suggest you are owed money for a wedding that was 12 years ago wherein your parents didn't even rank an invitation or any courtesy notice whatsoever.

Cheeky and greedy.

Blistory · 24/07/2015 22:09

You have 2 sisters ?

One married and one getting married ?

And the one getting married has a wedding fund from your parents of £40k that she's asked to borrow £25k from ?

And the older married one is wondering where her money is ?

And your wedding has been paid for ?

If that's the gist of it and your parents have a fund set aside for the younger sister, I can see why your other sister might be a bit peeved given that it doesn't really appear to be a wedding fund but money that your parents have/are making available for 2 daughters but not the third.

bloodyteenagers · 24/07/2015 22:14

They should spend the same amount on each. So yea 40k per child.
If one of the children didn't get married they shouldn't have the 40k? Err no.
Some will choose to blow it on a wedding. Others will choose to spend it on a deposit... If others are also getting the wedding and deposit so should all.

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 22:14

No my youngest sister is single. She wants to start a business and asked to borrow money. They said yes but out of her wedding fund (my sister wants to get married one day so don't debate this point).

My wedding was paid for 11 years ago. My sister got married 12 years ago and didn't tell anyone so her wedding fund wasn't used. (Not that I knew (until now!!) that my parents had a wedding fund for any of us!)

OP posts:

lemoncurd20 · 24/07/2015 22:17

This whole situation is embarrasing

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 22:20

Yes lemon. Hence the posting on mumsnet and not RL!

OP posts:

AlfAlf · 24/07/2015 22:21

She isn't being unreasonable. It's unfair and reeks of favouritism, she's being punished financially for getting married behind their backs.
My parents never have anything to give, but my in laws are always scrupulous about giving equally to all their grown up dc wether they're getting married or not.

theblairbitchproject · 24/07/2015 22:22

Regardless of how they feel about her wedding- if one child gets something, so should the other if we are talking about a serious amount of money.

Instead of being petty (which I assume they have)- couldnt they give your sister her/her share of the money towards a deposit, a holiday or as a general wedding gift?

Sounds like you all need to grow up a bit if im honest.

RebeccaCloud9 · 24/07/2015 22:22

Sad that the default is for 'wedding fund' rather than 'help with starting a business fund' or similar. Expectations for women still

lemoncurd20 · 24/07/2015 22:23

I do think she's being unreasonable as she got married ages ago.

But I also think your parents are being unreasonable by having these funds.

If her secret wedding was what she wanted (and presumably wasn't expensive) then I don't see how she's missed out on anything as she could have had the big wedding if she'd wanted.

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 22:37

Just to add, according to my mom they don't have the funds for my sister who got secretly married. They've been spent.

OP posts:

theblairbitchproject · 24/07/2015 22:40

That says it all really OP.

TopazRocks · 24/07/2015 22:42

If it's over a decade since the wedding then it's not a 'wedding fund'. It's just money! If you regard it as 'just money' then I suppose, if one daughter gets money, then the other daughters should too.

My parents always said they were scrupulously fair over giving money to my DB and me. They made a big song and dance about this 'fairness' but, you know what, I never ever counted it all up or checked, and I don't think my brother did either. TBH I think as our needs/lives were so different they couldn't have been that sure. We just lived our lives and if the oldies wanted to chuck dosh our way we said thanks and carried on with our lives. There was nowhere near as much money as 40K for a wedding, BTW.

As mother of 4 sons, I don't do this evening up thing at all. Well, maybe vaguely I do - but I don't keep any records. If one needs something or help to pay for something, then I'd see what we can do. I think within families there's too much store set by money. May it's a mistake to call something a 'wedding fund' anyway, a bit old-fashioned and traditional, not wrong in itself, but can be the root of this dilemma in OP's family.

lucylooloo · 24/07/2015 22:42

If it was a wedding fund ie only used to fund weddings, I would say your sister has blown it. If however, as seems to be the case the money can be used for things other than a wedding then I don't see any reason why your sister shouldn't get it

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 22:46

I've just been told (by mom) that my wedding was 10k. Not 40k. I don't think I'll be asking her for the extra 30k

OP posts:

theblairbitchproject · 24/07/2015 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sanquhar · 24/07/2015 22:48

I think the most important question here is.... what the hell kind of washer and dryer costs "several thousand"????

whatever22 · 24/07/2015 22:50

I think people aren't considering that passing for a wedding isn't just a gift for the child, but a thing the parents want.

My parents are giving me a contribution to my wedding costs, because they want a big family 'do'. (I'd be happy with registry office and pizza for tea for just us and parents).

If they just handed the same sum of money to my siblings 'no strings attatched' I'd be pretty pissed off (I'd much rather have money towards a house deposit, but that's not on offer).

ollieplimsoles · 24/07/2015 22:51

Ugh..No No NO she lied to your parents for years, money from family comes with strings attached and she isn't entitled to shit IMO.

whatever22 · 24/07/2015 22:52

Paying! Not passing.

Flip

1 2 3 4