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Original poster

For my sister to ask my parents for her wedding money

100 replies

Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 21:31

Back story: my sister got secretly married (as in didn't tell any one in my family) when she was 18. My parents found out when she was 19 and they saw her wedding ring. She still never told them (she's still married and 30). A few years ago she was discussing being married with my. Mom and just said "didn't you know?" When mom said "you're married?!". Anyway, the reasons for this is that's parents don't like her dh because a he's a controlling bastard

Anyway, the other day my youngest sister (27) asked my parents for money to start a business. My mom told my sister that she can borrows the amount she asked for (£25k) but it would come out of her wedding fund (£40k and she's single). My middle sister has now emailed my mom asking where her wedding fund is. Mom is annoyed, says by she gave her money last year for a new washer and dryer (several thousand) and she kinda blew it by getting secretly married so my parents spent the money on a new kitchen.

I'm staying out of it, but wonder, was my sister being unreasonable?

OP posts:
raffle · 24/07/2015 22:55

Your sister is totally within her rights to demand that money. It's hers. She should also ask for any interest accrued, a new washer/dryer, and all receipts etc from her uni days (incase your tightwad parents have tried to screw her over)

I mean, honestly...it's like your parents don't even actually CARE about her.

Cabrinha · 24/07/2015 23:00

Your parents are fucking weird.
Who keeps money JUST for a wedding?
Who ignores their daughter's marital status? Yeah, she married without telling them and you all hate him, yeah yeah.
She was 18, they knew when she was 19.
Please god if that happens in my life, I'll sit my daughter down and say "darling girl, I saw the ring, I know you're married".
Very fucked up, and at age 18/19, your parents were the grown ups here, the - well, parents.

I bet there's some serious back story here!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/07/2015 23:01

I don't think it's fair as 2 out of 3 sisters have had extra financial help and she hasn't (and looks like there isn't any money available if she asked for help to start a business, like your other sister).

If it was just savings that your parents were using to help you all out, that would be different. It seems like your wedding was paid for, your other sister has £40k ring fenced for her and secret wedding sister has nothing.

It has the makings of breeding resentment. DH and I feel like this with PIL and it isn't a great place to be, we've moved away now.

plantsitter · 24/07/2015 23:14

God people are being horrible on this thread. Fancy someone telling anyone their mum's head needs smashing against a wall.

To be honest I would be hurt if I discovered there were funds saved fir my sisters but mine had been spent on a new kitchen.

Let's hope your parents are actually saving it for your sister's escape fund if her husband is abusive.

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 23:15

I think if my sister (middle child) really needed money then my parents would give it. She hasn't asked, they haven't offered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 23:18

And also they wouldn't give her a deposit on a house because her DH refuses to put her on their mortgage.

I swear I'm not drip feeding. It's just my response to other posters.

OP posts:
TopazRocks · 24/07/2015 23:22

Thing is, though, no parents are obliged to give their offspring anything after they reach adulthood (whenever that might be!!). These parents aren't 'tight wads' as there is no obligation. But they do have perhaps a skewed idea of 'fairness' amongst siblings.

cocobean2805 · 24/07/2015 23:24

I'm genuinely confused by this. But I suppose (if I understand correctly) that one sis got married secretly and the other sis isn't married yet but asked for her wedding fund that she would replace when/if her business is successful...ive lost my train of thought...

I agree with pp that said its your parents money and they can decide how it should be spent.

FWIW I recently got married and my parents paid for the lot, my mum had been saving since I was born for it apparently, I had no idea. My sister asked if she could have a pony instead of a wedding (she's single) my mum said no (Dsis is 24!) Grin

TopazRocks · 24/07/2015 23:26

Blimey, Op, just read about the H not having your sis on mortgage. Maybe your parents are trying to protect her in some way? At least since it's a long marriage now she'll get half when/if they split. Tight wad might better describe the son in law, no? Shock

achieve15 · 24/07/2015 23:28

OP I can't help noticing that you don't realise how lucky you were. You say "I'm not rich" but compared to the average, you and your family are well off.

I don't get why any parent has a wedding find for kids. "general help with what they need" fund, sure. But specifically for a wedding...hmm.

Don't think your sis is being reeasonable but understand why she wants equal treatment. DH refusing to put on mortgage, woah!

Now I wonder what happens to the 15k if your other sister doesn't get married. Is she denied that if she has the audacity to stay single?

Saz12 · 24/07/2015 23:30

no-o-o-o. The parents want to finance a big family party for each of their three kids. Maybe because they like big parties, maybe out of social convention. Either way, the parents have decided what they want to spend THEIR OWN money on.

If daughter would rather be financially dependent on Daddy for her business venture, then maybe the parents think that as a modern, able woman it's unnecessary.

One child is not going to have the big family party thing. so they've no need to pay for big family party thing.

It's the parents money, saved for a very specific purpose of their choosing.

Smooshface · 24/07/2015 23:33

I think if she had a life changing plan for the money then this would be fair enough. This does just sound like she wants to even the score. I do think it is a bit sad they can't find a way to help her despite her elopement!

greenfolder · 24/07/2015 23:35

It may well be that parents are holding onto cash for your sister in anticipation of her coming to her senses and needing help with move or costs. You can't really say whether you have all been treated fairly or equally until your parents have gone. I have 3 dds. I anticipate that we will probably have around £15k for each of them to have when I think they need it. It might be a house deposit or for a business or for a wedding. Like your parents though I would be saying, it's a business or a wedding not both. If I gave funds to one for this purpose I would not rush to dole out to the others who might just fritter it away.

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 24/07/2015 23:35

Perhaps they are saving for the divorce instead? I don't know. If it was my dd I would be.

OP posts:
tocmrpouce · 24/07/2015 23:52

When I got married my parents gave me some money. My sister has always maintained she wouldn't get married so when she turned 30 they gave her the same amount of money for her to use for what she wanted. She'll use it for a deposit. I think that's fair - we both get the same.

But maybe your parents are wary of giving her money which sounds like it will go into an abusive relationship.

Your sister was unreasonable for not telling your parents she got married at 18 but she was young and sometimes we do silly things. She should probably take the time to talk to your mum about it all.

theblairbitchproject · 24/07/2015 23:57

Sorry plantsitter but if you think its right to spend 40k on one daughters wedding, and 10k on another- you have problems that need sorting out.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/07/2015 00:12

I'm thinking of my own dc here. We had education fund. One ds decided for years not to go to college. We didn't give him any money. Others went to college and we paid. Was that unfair to him? This has made me think.

Eminybob · 25/07/2015 02:49

Your sister is being so unreasonable to expect anything, but I think that the issue is the way your mum has worded it. She's made it sound like there were 3 lots of £40k, but they have spent hers. From your subsequent posts it seems this isn't the case, as your "fund" was £10k and you (rightly) weren't offered the difference. No idea why your youngest sister has such a large fund though Confused

They should have just said, yes have the £25k for your business, but don't expect us to also spend loads on your wedding when the time comes. (Although I think £15k is more than adequate)

So it sounds like your parents have dug this hole for themselves really, by talking about funds full stop. The wedding thing is a red herring really.

FixItUpChappie · 25/07/2015 03:00

I absolutely disagree that money must be doled out evenly between ADULT daughters. That reeks of entitlement. These parents should spend their money as they see fit - period. They should help out if and when they want to - they are not a bank.

Each of their ADULT children is an individual with independent circumstances - no reason not to treat them as such.

Meandyou150 · 25/07/2015 04:04

God why can't the 3 of you stand on your own 2 feet for gods sake

CatMilkMan · 25/07/2015 04:40

Meandyou150
I don't understand your comment at all, parents giving kids money for a wedding or for anything at all if its the parents choice has nothing to do with OP living on her own 2 feet.

nooka · 25/07/2015 04:59

My parents paid for my wedding and my two sister's weddings. I suspect that my eldest sister's wedding was very cheap in comparison to my middle sister and me as she chose to get married in the country and so had a marquee whereas we got married in London and so had big venue costs. However all of the weddings were very much my parent's parties (in fact none of us got very much say in them!). If one of us had chosen not to get married, or had married when we were older (all in our mid twenties) then there would probably have been no cost to my parents as they had no party to throw. We certainly would not have expected to be given money.

The complication here is that the parents are giving their youngest child a sum of money from 'her wedding fund' a fund that no one else has apparent access to, so it looks like favouritism. I'd be unhappy about that too. From what the OP says later about her middle sister's husband I can totally see why they'd not give her any money though, as it sounds as if he is financially abusive. Much better to help her after she escapes, which I am sure they hope will happen. The denial of their marriage may well be related to them wanting to deny that she had got married, plus the hurt that her hiding it must have been. The way that your mum put it was undoubtedly hurtful though!

RhiWrites · 25/07/2015 05:34

My middle sister had a big white wedding and my parents contributed ££££s to the cost.

My youngest sister got married without telling anyone, no contribution from parents (wedding only cost ££) although parents have paid for other things.

I am not married, no contribution from parents although my OHs parents and my aunt gave us what they would have given if we had got married. I don't feel hard done by.

I think the married-in-secret sister should get over it. Why should her parents pay for a wedding they weren't invited to?

MissDuke · 25/07/2015 06:38

The thing is, the op wasn't handed a certain amount of money to go and pay for her wedding - op didn't even know what her own wedding cost, so clearly the parents came behind with the cheque book and paid for things. So they did not give her a set amount of money, they literally just paid for her wedding. Perhaps they are very traditional people and see that as the norm?

Op your sister definitely cannot now demand money for a wedding that she had in secret and chose to not mention for all of these years! However I would not do what your parents have done. My parents gave us all a cheque for equal amounts when we got married to do with as we wished - my brother included, and his wife's family paid for their wedding. I think I would do the same as that when it comes to it.

MrsBojingles · 25/07/2015 06:55

40k wedding fund. Yeah, that's normal...