What do you do about stealing?

[WLTMEET]

My dd (9) has a crazy sweet tooth, and a generally large appetite which I work to moderate. She's healthy etc.
She keeps however, taking stuff from the kitchen that I've not said is ok, such as biscuits and chocolate. Yesterday's offence was that she opened a box of chocolates that were given to me as a gift and then lied and lied and lied about it until I stupidly offered her an amnesty if she confessed! I know some people (my mum for eg) will say you shouldn't leave treats under a kids nose but I am of the belief that you shouldn't need to hide things in obscure places in order to avoid them being taken. She has before now, totally stuffed herself with huge amounts of sweet stuff before breakfast, and then in order to avoid getting called on, sat down to her usual breakfast.

What do you do if kids take things and then lie about it? I've tried removing things, taking away privileges etc but she seems to weigh those up against the instant gratification of a chocolate bar and decide it's worth it. It's happening far too often:/

Helena- do you think your mums approach was the reason?

After identifying it was sugar fueling the frenzy ,
I showed my children this clip . We all made a conscious effort to reduce sugar and processed food intake as a whole family ( except wine )
They still have the run of buffets at parties but even at four and five they understand it's not a good choice to gorge on sweets and cakes .
I bake a shit load of stuff without any sugar at all . Dates and banana muffins are a fave .

The Sugary Truth - YouTube
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFlnlGx0B5U

I would also try to get away from the idea that food = treat. My son is 4 and we've really tried not to do this, to him a treat is something that he doesn't get every day and is something like a new car from the £shop at the weekend.
Might be harder at first as she's used to how things are now but she's old enough to have it explained that for x days good behaviour (or whatever you're treating her for) she will now receive toy car/nail varnish etc on Saturday.

Had another thought mine loved the little snack packs of yoghurt covered dried fruit as well (until we discovers DS was lactose intolerant) they might also work as a 'bridge' treat between sweets and fruit

Thanks everyone- all great ideas. I must admit I do tend to sell treats as food. She saves pocket money and money she does from volunteering for 'treats' at weekend. Bad mistake

Gonna show her that video

WLTMEET

Yes, I do actually blame her. I'm sure people will tell me it's awful of me to blame her but she constantly policed my food, told me that I "didn't need" anything else to eat, told me to pull my jeans up because my stomach was "hanging out" and took me to a weight loss class when I was 10. I was 10st and the same height as I am now (5' 5"), wearing an adult size 10.

She made junk food so appealing that I went mad for it. Stealing it or secretly spending my pocket money from my gran on as many sweets as I could buy and eating them alone at the park. When I got a job I would buy my own junk food and it spiraled out of control until I was buying £10 worth of crisps/chocolate/doughnuts/sweets every single day and eating them secretly in my room, still eating family meals so that no-one would comment.

When I was 12*

Not 10.

This reminded me of when DSs were about 9 or 10. Some one had taken something and both were denying it. At the time I was a prison education officer.
Me: Right, if neither of you will own up I'll borrow the lie detecter from the prison (as if) and we'll see who's teling the truth.
DS2: how does it work?
Me: When you are lying you are nervous and it tests that.
DS1: But I'd be nervous anyway
Me: It knows that and takes it into account.
DS2: All right, I did it.

Tricky- that made me laugh!

Helena- I'm terrified that I'm setting her up for the same as you've experienced. I do try not to glamourise treat food, for example we will go a for a hot chocolate together on a Sunday morning which we both look forward to. Sometimes when we eat out I'll let her choose her own food (but sometimes not, due to the dire choices on offer). I'll always always ask her after a meal if she's had enough to eat, and offer more if she's still hungry. Is there more I could do? Have you any ideas?

It occurs to - and this is going to sound terrible , that if you have a naturally greedy child, or one that will willingly overeat themselves unwell...you as the parent are stuck in such a terrible position of making sure that doesn't happen. Finding a way of achieving that without harm is nothing short of awful.

I wish I had the answer. I don't know what my mum could have done differently and she apologised to me a couple of years ago (drunkenly, and very tearfully), she accepts that she handled it badly. I really, truly hope that your daughter doesn't go through what I've been through (depression, self harm, eating disorders, a life of crippling anxiety, a totally all or nothing attitude towards food).

You have time to change it though! Get her involved in healthy cooking and don't let her see you eating rubbish. Cut back on her processed sugar to minimise her cravings for it. Get active together. Help her to be fit and strong rather than aiming for skinny.

Oh god, I've actually just had a flashback to stealing from my granny's cupboards and eating toffee dessert sauce out of the packet while locked in the bathroom

I'd forgotten the lengths I went to for some sugar!

I had a mother who snatched a pancake out of my hand and told me I was greedy, and also told me that I shouldn't be eating so much because I couldn't get away with it unlike - friend was standing next to me at the time. Of course it was my mother who made food a treat, was on a diet off a diet, bemoaning her size etc etc.

I think you need to cut out all sugar to break the habit. Make no reference to size whatsoever but talk about teeth and health, show your DD the new NHS guidelines for sugar intake and apply them to the whole family. Keep everyone active, and work on non food treats - nail polish then painting nails together, a board game to play together etc. Lose the emotional side when it comes to the pleading and begging - flatly repeat 'you know sugar is bad for your teeth' or similar in a timeless way, over and over and over.

Thanks Helena- I'm sorry it was so tough for you. I would do anything to make sure my own dd doesn't go through the same.

For the constant snacking, I'd stop having any of it in the house and be really firm about not giving in to pester power.

For the lying and stealing, I would contact my local neighbourhood policing team and ask them to come and speak to her about telling the truth and how important it is. I arranged for DD1 to go in and be spoken to by the sergeant at our local police station when she was about 13. her behaviour was on the cusp of becoming unmanageable and it was another police officer's idea. It did work, she's now out the other side and a nice person to be around.

Your DD might be greedy for sweets but as a grown up she will buy her own. Tell her that all kind of food is good but she needs to avoid overeating. Never be on a diet, eat well, give her treats on the weekend. She will never steal as an adult because temptation will not be there. Treat sweets as normal as possible - do not hide it.

This -

I think some sugar fuels some children in a more negative way than in others. It makes for addiction in certain people in the same way alcohol and drugs do

and what helena and many others said. I was also like this as a child and my poor Mum, with 3 kids in 2 years never stood a chance. I was as cunning as a very cunning thing and could outwit her - I knew where she'd hide stuff before she did! And so I ended up in later life with all manner of problems which I've only recently got on top of. Please don't let this be your DD's future - do whatever you have to to break the cycle and if that means cold turkey and candy lockdown so be it. Good luck!

Long term just have no treats available. She can get some with her pocket money. You don't need to hide it if it's not there. Hiding it will make it more of a game

Yes. But make sure she's not in a position to then go and steal it from shops / other people.

This was/is my niece.

She ate 12 Easter eggs that were for her and her siblings that she found she blamed her older sister and her older sister got the blame. She stole money for sweets and blamed her siblings she stole lots of food based stuff and it really never got dealt with.

She then started money out of her dads wallet £10/£20 and her older siblings got the blame.

She then stole a pack of cakes out of my pram bag and took change out of my change jar and left my home while I was upstairs with my dd. I didn't tell her dm because I couldn't prove it. The next time she came round she took three large chocolate bars and a big bag of haribo that were on a shelf. I noticed when dp came in from work and went to get his sugar fix. I told her mum and she denied it. Her mum didn't push it any further. When I seen her next she started crying and was embarrassed. She never apologiesed.

Fast forward six months and she started visiting again and all was good. Then she went up stairs and stole £180 worth of items out of my eldests dd bedroom (make up ect..) I phoned her mum and she denied it but her older sister went and hunted it down. I had to go and collect it all the next day. Still no apology of her.

she is 13 and that was over a period of time from about 9 till now.

She has just been caught in the local tesco stealing water for a 'laugh'

Stealing is stealing is stealing. Taking something with out consent. It doesn't matter if she is gagging for a sugar snack her urges don't over ride the fact she shouldn't take what she isn't allowed.

I would come down hard on it. My neice was never really told off because it was 'food' and it just proved that you can take what you want when you want.

Thanks so much everyone. Some great advice. The trouble I have is that I feel like I would have to isolate my dd from playdates etc to get her sugar addiction under control as its at these kinds of events that she goes crazy. Gatherings with family are the same. We are a sociable family with lots of friends and a busy house so what can we do if there are other kids around and there's the inevitable sweet food around? ( i do feel though that even writing this thread out has made me realise how much she manipulated me in front of other people and I am going to delete that that on a serious level from now on)

I don't tolerate stealing- no chance. I have come down hard on her yesterday for the chocolates. She lost out on a trip to the shops for that, plus today I've made her replace them based on advice on this thread. With the lying - that's harder. I've talked so much about how we have to have a trusting relationship for he sake of her safety in general. I'm not specifically worried about lying- she does it because she's embarrassed at being caught taking the chocolate. She doesn't generally lie. She is such a lovely kid you know . I often feel that she's as much of a victim of the sugar addiction- she gets so consumed by getting her hands on it that I think if I'm at breaking point with the begging- how much must it be to torturing her?

I hadn't really considered that the worth/nagging/desperation is what is causing the problem. I guess I think that she's bound to have a huge tantrum/crying fit if we leave wherever we are and that in itself feels like a whole heap of emotion?