What do you do about stealing?

[WLTMEET]

My dd (9) has a crazy sweet tooth, and a generally large appetite which I work to moderate. She's healthy etc.
She keeps however, taking stuff from the kitchen that I've not said is ok, such as biscuits and chocolate. Yesterday's offence was that she opened a box of chocolates that were given to me as a gift and then lied and lied and lied about it until I stupidly offered her an amnesty if she confessed! I know some people (my mum for eg) will say you shouldn't leave treats under a kids nose but I am of the belief that you shouldn't need to hide things in obscure places in order to avoid them being taken. She has before now, totally stuffed herself with huge amounts of sweet stuff before breakfast, and then in order to avoid getting called on, sat down to her usual breakfast.

What do you do if kids take things and then lie about it? I've tried removing things, taking away privileges etc but she seems to weigh those up against the instant gratification of a chocolate bar and decide it's worth it. It's happening far too often:/

[ListenWillYou]

I think it's difficult to give the right message about treats to kids. I was pretty blunt with mine that eating a lot of crap can make you put weight on and it's bad for your teeth. I also would use the word greedy if there were out at a party and there were treats piled high. I'd remind them that the treats were for everyone and that it would be greedy to have too many.

We had a policy of one treat a day. I let them choose the treat and told them that it should be something they would really enjoy. I really pressed the point that food should be enjoyable but that you have to be sensible. I clearly said from a young age that you had to gently keep an eye on your weight - although I always emphasised that it was a health issue rather than a looks issue.

We had very few treats in the house.

My 4 DC are adults now and still roughly keep to the one treat a day rule. They all have a sweet tooth like me but don't go overboard with it.

I think 9 is quite old to be pleading for treats and I think it's old to be telling lies such as the one about opening the box of chocolates. It does seem quite immature. . It's not easy to deal with and I don't think there is an easy answer.

[WLTMEET]

I actually consider myself someone who is fairly strict when it comes to poor behaviour. I don't tolerate tantrums and I rarely deal with them. She's a good kid. A genuinely good kid. Behaviour around food though is much harder to navigate because of the emotional issues attached to it. I'm delighted for Teauila that she doesn't face these issues.

[MrsPnut]

But you only have to follow through once or twice before your daughter knows that if you say it then you mean it. That's part of the battle, because when your child doesn't believe that you mean it then it becomes background noise.

I have a face and tone of voice that my kids know means business but I have once had to cut short a visit to my MIL's because of Dd1's poor behaviour and she once missed a club she wanted to go to. Each time she was warned and then I followed it through.

[WLTMEET]

Can you not read? I said a temper tantrum would also be a huge heap of emotion, something the previous poster advised avoiding.

[Tequilashotfor1]

You won't leave some where because you think your child will kick up a fuss. She is nine years old.

[WLTMEET]

Tequilla. Can't be arsed with the drama? Do fuck off

[Tequilashotfor1]

If her addiction is that bad then take her to see a councillor otherwise stop treating her like a victim. She is not. She is a child that is taking what she wants when she wants.

Your last sentence speaks volumes. You basically can't be arsed with the drama if she kicks off. How do you think you will deal with this when she is 15, 16,17?

[WLTMEET]

I hadn't really considered that the worth/nagging/desperation is what is causing the problem. I guess I think that she's bound to have a huge tantrum/crying fit if we leave wherever we are and that in itself feels like a whole heap of emotion?

[WLTMEET]

Thanks so much everyone. Some great advice. The trouble I have is that I feel like I would have to isolate my dd from playdates etc to get her sugar addiction under control as its at these kinds of events that she goes crazy. Gatherings with family are the same. We are a sociable family with lots of friends and a busy house so what can we do if there are other kids around and there's the inevitable sweet food around? ( i do feel though that even writing this thread out has made me realise how much she manipulated me in front of other people and I am going to delete that that on a serious level from now on)

I don't tolerate stealing- no chance. I have come down hard on her yesterday for the chocolates. She lost out on a trip to the shops for that, plus today I've made her replace them based on advice on this thread. With the lying - that's harder. I've talked so much about how we have to have a trusting relationship for he sake of her safety in general. I'm not specifically worried about lying- she does it because she's embarrassed at being caught taking the chocolate. She doesn't generally lie. She is such a lovely kid you know . I often feel that she's as much of a victim of the sugar addiction- she gets so consumed by getting her hands on it that I think if I'm at breaking point with the begging- how much must it be to torturing her?

[Tequilashotfor1]

This was/is my niece.

She ate 12 Easter eggs that were for her and her siblings that she found she blamed her older sister and her older sister got the blame. She stole money for sweets and blamed her siblings she stole lots of food based stuff and it really never got dealt with.

She then started money out of her dads wallet £10/£20 and her older siblings got the blame.

She then stole a pack of cakes out of my pram bag and took change out of my change jar and left my home while I was upstairs with my dd. I didn't tell her dm because I couldn't prove it. The next time she came round she took three large chocolate bars and a big bag of haribo that were on a shelf. I noticed when dp came in from work and went to get his sugar fix. I told her mum and she denied it. Her mum didn't push it any further. When I seen her next she started crying and was embarrassed. She never apologiesed.

Fast forward six months and she started visiting again and all was good. Then she went up stairs and stole £180 worth of items out of my eldests dd bedroom (make up ect..) I phoned her mum and she denied it but her older sister went and hunted it down. I had to go and collect it all the next day. Still no apology of her.

she is 13 and that was over a period of time from about 9 till now.

She has just been caught in the local tesco stealing water for a 'laugh'

Stealing is stealing is stealing. Taking something with out consent. It doesn't matter if she is gagging for a sugar snack her urges don't over ride the fact she shouldn't take what she isn't allowed.

I would come down hard on it. My neice was never really told off because it was 'food' and it just proved that you can take what you want when you want.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

Long term just have no treats available. She can get some with her pocket money. You don't need to hide it if it's not there. Hiding it will make it more of a game

Yes. But make sure she's not in a position to then go and steal it from shops / other people.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

This -

I think some sugar fuels some children in a more negative way than in others. It makes for addiction in certain people in the same way alcohol and drugs do

and what helena and many others said. I was also like this as a child and my poor Mum, with 3 kids in 2 years never stood a chance. I was as cunning as a very cunning thing and could outwit her - I knew where she'd hide stuff before she did! And so I ended up in later life with all manner of problems which I've only recently got on top of. Please don't let this be your DD's future - do whatever you have to to break the cycle and if that means cold turkey and candy lockdown so be it. Good luck!

[AlwaysSpoiled34]

Your DD might be greedy for sweets but as a grown up she will buy her own. Tell her that all kind of food is good but she needs to avoid overeating. Never be on a diet, eat well, give her treats on the weekend. She will never steal as an adult because temptation will not be there. Treat sweets as normal as possible - do not hide it.

[MrsPnut]

For the constant snacking, I'd stop having any of it in the house and be really firm about not giving in to pester power.

For the lying and stealing, I would contact my local neighbourhood policing team and ask them to come and speak to her about telling the truth and how important it is. I arranged for DD1 to go in and be spoken to by the sergeant at our local police station when she was about 13. her behaviour was on the cusp of becoming unmanageable and it was another police officer's idea. It did work, she's now out the other side and a nice person to be around.

[WLTMEET]

Thanks Helena- I'm sorry it was so tough for you. I would do anything to make sure my own dd doesn't go through the same.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

I had a mother who snatched a pancake out of my hand and told me I was greedy, and also told me that I shouldn't be eating so much because I couldn't get away with it unlike - friend was standing next to me at the time. Of course it was my mother who made food a treat, was on a diet off a diet, bemoaning her size etc etc.

I think you need to cut out all sugar to break the habit. Make no reference to size whatsoever but talk about teeth and health, show your DD the new NHS guidelines for sugar intake and apply them to the whole family. Keep everyone active, and work on non food treats - nail polish then painting nails together, a board game to play together etc. Lose the emotional side when it comes to the pleading and begging - flatly repeat 'you know sugar is bad for your teeth' or similar in a timeless way, over and over and over.

[helenahandbag]

Oh god, I've actually just had a flashback to stealing from my granny's cupboards and eating toffee dessert sauce out of the packet while locked in the bathroom

I'd forgotten the lengths I went to for some sugar!

[helenahandbag]

I wish I had the answer. I don't know what my mum could have done differently and she apologised to me a couple of years ago (drunkenly, and very tearfully), she accepts that she handled it badly. I really, truly hope that your daughter doesn't go through what I've been through (depression, self harm, eating disorders, a life of crippling anxiety, a totally all or nothing attitude towards food).

You have time to change it though! Get her involved in healthy cooking and don't let her see you eating rubbish. Cut back on her processed sugar to minimise her cravings for it. Get active together. Help her to be fit and strong rather than aiming for skinny.

[WLTMEET]

It occurs to - and this is going to sound terrible , that if you have a naturally greedy child, or one that will willingly overeat themselves unwell...you as the parent are stuck in such a terrible position of making sure that doesn't happen. Finding a way of achieving that without harm is nothing short of awful.

[WLTMEET]

Tricky- that made me laugh!

Helena- I'm terrified that I'm setting her up for the same as you've experienced. I do try not to glamourise treat food, for example we will go a for a hot chocolate together on a Sunday morning which we both look forward to. Sometimes when we eat out I'll let her choose her own food (but sometimes not, due to the dire choices on offer). I'll always always ask her after a meal if she's had enough to eat, and offer more if she's still hungry. Is there more I could do? Have you any ideas?

[Trickydecision]

This reminded me of when DSs were about 9 or 10. Some one had taken something and both were denying it. At the time I was a prison education officer.
Me: Right, if neither of you will own up I'll borrow the lie detecter from the prison (as if) and we'll see who's teling the truth.
DS2: how does it work?
Me: When you are lying you are nervous and it tests that.
DS1: But I'd be nervous anyway
Me: It knows that and takes it into account.
DS2: All right, I did it.