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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

inappropriate gift?

25 replies

buddhasbelly · 22/07/2015 22:46

My boss (line manager) is due to leave our work in approx 10 days. We've already had a staff lunch/present for her from the team so we have all contributed so far.

However, my boss was instrumental in giving me my job and was accommodating knowing that I was a single parent (tailoring my work hours to suit my position, no hesitation in any days off needed etc). My exp was very abusive and I have therefore felt extremely indebted to this boss as she built my confidence when it was at its all time low.

Although we've had our lunch out, wibu to get one of the oxfam gift cards that helps women who are victims of domestic abuse? I wanted to get her a small leaving card from myself anyway but would just like to personalise a "thank you for giving me this opportunity" type of thing. She has been aware of my situation on the periphery due to exp's behaviour resulting in police involvement. I just dont want to come across as "me me me" but she really has been supportive inS all aspects of work/personal life.

So would buying a card of this nature be ok in a work environment?

Thanks for any replies

OP posts:

Original poster

buddhasbelly · 22/07/2015 22:49

it might be worth to note that I am the worst card/present giver and I thought this was ok?!!

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 22/07/2015 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

buddhasbelly · 22/07/2015 22:59

thanks derek she really did help in identifying strengths at work that i didn't know i had, and in turn she has put me in good stead to apply for any promotions that may be relevant within the institution. She has also said that I am to contact her at any time for a reference.

I'm always v professional at work (my boss finding out about my exp not my doing, just the result of his actions and me needing to get our dd at v short notice), it's just I really value my job and didn't want to overstep any professional boundaries however I like these cards as it's like giving somebody something without giving a monetary value directly to them iyswim?

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 22/07/2015 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 22/07/2015 23:20

I think it's a nice gesture. I bought one of my previous managers a personal gift when she left.

starlight2007 · 22/07/2015 23:22

I think it sounds a lovely thing to do so long as you don't make a big thing in front of everyone else.

HirplesWithHaggis · 22/07/2015 23:25

I'd do it too. I think it's a lovely thing to do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2015 23:26

I think that would be lovely.

catzpyjamas · 22/07/2015 23:29

Lovely idea if it's just from you alone.

lunar1 · 22/07/2015 23:31

I'd give something in that situation but not a charity donation. It's too personal, people an be unite particular about which charities they support.

lunar1 · 22/07/2015 23:32

Quite not unite!!

KatyN · 23/07/2015 07:18

I bought a small personal present for a lovely boss who left once. I think it's fine and lovely (although the try and engineer it so other members of your team don't see as that can be awkward!)

CrystalSkull · 23/07/2015 07:32

Yes, definitely do it. I gave my former manager a 'personal' present (related to a private joke) on her last day, but I made it clear it was from me alone and gave it to her in private. You could do something similar.

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 23/07/2015 07:33

Lovely idea and what a nice boss.

DurhamDurham · 23/07/2015 07:52

It sounds like a lovely gesture, I'm sure that it will be well received. It's good to show appreciation, people don't do it enough.

Jengnr · 23/07/2015 07:53

I'm not keen on the idea tbh. You're basically making a charity donation in her name. That's not really a personal gift.

I get what you want to do but I think an actual gift and a card thanking her for everything she's done for you would be more appropriate.

hoedown · 23/07/2015 08:01

I think it's a lovely idea. You already contributed towards her team gift but the oxfam donation is a personal acknowledgement of what her help has meant to you and i imagine it would be very much appreciated.

fourtothedozen · 23/07/2015 08:02

I think it's too personal- and she may have other charities that that she prefers. It's a charity you may choose, but perhaps she wouldn't.
I would simply give a card with a few lines thanking her for all her support, without mentioning specifics, say what a great boss she has been, good wishes for the future etc. I would keep it positive and upbeat. Flowers would be a good alternative.

wigglesrock · 23/07/2015 08:24

I agree with Jengr - there's absolutely no problem with you getting her a personal gift and card, it's lovely I've done it before, but it supposed to be a personal gift or words for her not for you.

I think it would be different if she'd passed on details of organisations that could help you, that she supported or felt personally they could help you but I don't think that it's appropriate to support a charity on behalf of someone. I think she'd love a note or a card but appropriating a charity for a soon to be ex boss, I'm not sure.

Nospringflower · 23/07/2015 08:27

I'm with those saying a personal card and small gift would be lovely but I wouldn't link it to a charity donation.

Fluffyears · 23/07/2015 10:50

I had a similar boss and now my new boss is shit and bullying but that's another thread. I miss her loads and we both gave each other a small token privately as we were closest in the team. It's not inappropriate and she will appreciate you thinking of her but I would give her something different from the charity thing personally x

wombatcheese · 23/07/2015 11:03

I think the idea of a card and small gift is great. I wouldn't do a charity donation in her name though. It could seem as if you were saying, 'this is the charity you should support'. i feel charity giving is a personal decision and not something to choose for another. flowers would be better, but I'm sure a little note of appreciation and thanks in a card would mean a great deal to her.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/07/2015 11:09

I'd definitely do her a card but like PPs am not sure about the gift card/charity thing. I'd go for flowers instead, and a message thanking her for the opportunity and for the support she's given you over the time you've worked together.

MrsHerculePoirot · 23/07/2015 11:12

I think it is a lovely idea. I have been given those charity gifts a couple of times (teacher) and absolutely LOVE them, the first time it made me cry I was so touched. You will know your boss the best, and will know if it is something they might like. I have also given them on various occasions - once when some friends got married, had a low key wedding, absolutely adamant they didn't want anything as they had everything they needed, both very environmental, socially caring and we gave them one and they loved it too. Obviously there are people that seem to think they wouldn't like it, but they definitely do not speak for everyone!

Original poster

buddhasbelly · 30/07/2015 09:44

Sorry had meant to post an update, I have given my boss a card and (after trawling the internet) a gift relevant to her profession. I agree that giving a charity gift may go against someone's principles if they do not support that charity but hadn't thought about it in this context.

My boss was nevertheless very grateful for said card and has said if i ever need a reference she is always here (which is hugely helpful given her position in our industry).

Thanks all for the advice, indeed I would've been crossing the "this is about me" boundary i think with a charity donation so good that I altered it prior to this.

Thanks again

OP posts:

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