...to ask the sleep deprived, how the F**K do you do it?! Seriously.

[DangerGrouse]

This is not a rhetorical question. I want answers and I want your stories. I am completely in awe/confused about people who function with sleep deprivation it utterly baffles me.
I have a two year old daughter who has always slept well and I am acutely aware of how lucky I am and I take no credit for this and I am not smug.
The night before last she had some random "hurty ear" and spent most of the night awake crying and wanting cuddles. So of course I spent the night cuddling her and dosing her up to the eyeballs with calpol and ibuprofen etc. Normal mumstuff. The night was of course awful - I was delirious and started hallucinating at one point I was so tired. Yesterday was consequently terrible and I felt physically sick and was grumpy from tiredness. From one bad night. In pretty much two years. And all I could think of was "HOW THE FUCK DO THEY DO IT?!" As in permanently sleep deprived mothers of non sleeping or ill children?
Seriously? How do you cope? What gets you through? Do you just accept it and deal with it, have a nervous breakdown or just live in permanent hate of your days and nights?
From one totally in awe mother to all of you sleep deprived warrior goddesses, I bow down and salute you.

As everyone else has said: you just get on with it because what other choice do you have? I've had a couple of years of sleep deprivation thanks to DD (just 2) and DS (1 tomorrow!) and I've been back at work following my 2nd mat leave for almost 7 months. My job takes a fair amount of brain power and I find that I do struggle come late afternoon, so I arrange my work to allow for this dip where I can!

And you asked about cry it out. I'd never consider it. Or controlled crying. They're just not methods that I want to try. So it's just crack on with it and hope that it passes sooner rather than later!

Oh, and I now have more colds than I ever have before. I never used to get ill.

Dh and I have a system where he goes to bed early (about 9) and I get up later (about 7). We each cover 1 DC (we have 2) and we alternate (ds2 is the worse of the 2) each night. (We sleep with them both in separate rooms). This is doable and we both get about 5hrs approx (less or more depending on whether we have ds1 or ds2). But when dh is away (frequently) I do them both alone and get about 2-3 non consecutive hrs a night. ATM dh has been away for nearly 3 weeks and I feel very unwell.

I can't hold any memories at all, leave taps running, the gas on, doors open etc. I am just waiting for a really bad accident. I don't drive. I couldn't like this.

But you do get used to it and I find dh really struggles when he has been away and had a week of loads of lovely hotel sleep, when he comes back we always argue because he complains of being tired, and keeps asking for naps.

I think the worst advice I was given when pregnant with ds1 was get loads of sleep. Your body really does adapt to what it's used to. By the end of my pregnancy, based on every bit of advice, I was sleeping and resting loads. Probably 12-14 hrs a day. It was such a shock when ds1 arrived I honestly felt like I'd been hit in the face with a brick. The rage and fury I felt was overwhelming. You can't put sleep in the bank, you can't store it anywhere, you just get used to it, so when you don't have it it is awful. My advice is don't have too much and wean yourself into less of it slowly so it isn't so much of a shock.

By the time ds2 came along I was used to it. However, ds2 is much worse and in a different way (ds1 refuses to go to bed and doesn't usually go till late, but then tends to sleep in a solid chunk, ds2 goes to sleep but wakes every hour or 2, he also wakes at 5am regardless of what time he goes to bed/how many night wakings he has).

I do rant about doing CIO, but I haven't ever really been tempted, with ds2 I have to do a bit of CC, just because I may have to go to ds1 and let him cry for a few mins. I do put him in the cot with music on and then let him cry for a few mins, but never longer than that really.

Everything suffers, we don't have sex, the house is a shit tip, I have no hobbies or social life, I haven't even really watched the TV for years (adult/interesting progs I mean. Cbeebies I watch every day!). Last night I got them both off miraculously by 8pm, but instead of going to bed like I should have, I spent 3 hours cleaning the kitchen. I hadn't done it for about 6 months (apart from a quick surface squirt and wipe every day). It was filthy, really really filthy. And looks so much better now. But I am suffering today as I went to bed at 11.15, ds2 woke at 12 for half hour, then ds1 woke at 1.30 till 3.30 then ds2 was up for the day at 4.45. I am feeling shit now and I have to take the boys swimming and organise mils funeral today.

I don't drink coffee and I low carb which helps energy levels stay consistent.

Bizarrely, we want another baby next year wtf is wrong with us?!

DS is only a month old so I don't pretend to be an expert but he has been an incredibly bad night time sleeper since the night we brought him home. He first two weeks were absolutely mind crippling, both DH and I felt awful but then we just seemed to sort of get used to it. When you have to get through the next day you just do. Pre baby I had a full on project at work involving late nights and early mornings and I wonder if this has helped.

sitting here with baby asleep on me and I'm now wide awake..

my ds has very complex medical conditions which means for his first year i catnap a lot as hospital aren't really that conducive to a getting sleep,
as a single parent for four years with at most three hours a night I got use to it, this year managing a child starting school an both of us coping with only a hour sleep without a end in sight broke me. I remember February time ringing my grandmother up saying if it wasn't for my ds I won't be here now, ironic thing is if it wasn't for my son I'd be sleeping an wouldn't of felt like that.

you know what though that little boy still got up every day an went to school an kept up with his peers.
In the end my family paid for us to go private to find out why his condition had got worse and we finally got some answers an some new medication,
so I'm back to three or four hours of sleep which I can just about function on. you dont have a choice, to give up isn't a option. my ds has had to fight claw with everything he has to just be here if that means I have to do the same to keep him then that is what I will do!

Ds2 is 17 months older than dd2, he only started sleeping through about a month before she was born.

She was born with brain damage and is profoundly disabled and has multiple complex medical needs as a result. She does not sleep well and needs frequent attention medically overnight. We get no help with this.

Consequently I have lived with a maxim of 4 hours broken sleep for almost 10 years. Oddly you do get used to that and actually if I do, very rarely, manage more than that I actually feel bloody awful

Posted too soon.

Having said that my memory is shocking, I have to write things down and often walk into a room only to forget why I'm there

After a run of very bad nights I have perfected the art of the 20 minute cat nap sitting up. Never more than 20 minutes though or I'll feel like shit

I don't get the mindset of i will not try controlled crying when a family is seriously sleep-deprived for prolonged periods.
Literally I can't understand

Loads of coffee and painkillers for the chronic migraines.

My daughter is nearly two and until recently has rarely slept more than two hours in a row. I breastfeed, so I had to do all the night wakings and only get a lie in every other Sunday, due to my working hours.

I have spent most of my waking hours over the past two years daydreaming about sleep and am always sneaking off for an early night. Its really been a drain on my relationship.

It hasn't changed my views on crying it out though. Oneorning I let my dad cry herself back to sleep after she woke at 4.45, refusing to go back to sleep and I had a migraine. It destroyed her. She was extra clingy for days and scared to go to bed afterwards.

I haven't had a full nights sleep since I was pregnant with DD 4 years ago and my restless legs kicked in. Her brother was born 9 months ago just as she started sleeping through reliably.

At the start it was awful but I'm just used to it now. Getting back used to multiple baby wake ups took a while but it's my normal these days.

I don't set my standards too high around the house. Set realistic goals of what I can achieve in the days it's really bad, and go to bed early. It's tough on H and I right now but we talk about it and know it's temporary.

Oh and coffee. A nice strong cup every morning.

Both my babies did not sleep reliably until they were 3 years' old. I had almost 5 consecutive years of broken sleep. At its worst I was woken up 3 times an hour when they were babies. I had resorted to co-sleeping to cope.

During those co-sleeping breast-feeding days, when I was woken up maybe 10-15 times a night, I did not feel more tired than nowadays when I am woken up like you were once a night. I think it makes a big difference once you become used to unbroken sleep to be woken up in the night because you have to drag yourself up from deep sleep. Whereas if you are frequently woken up throughout the night, you just wade in the shallows of sleep and it is less disruptive than you think.

I might feel a little tired the next day but it did not render me non-functional. I did not nap (not that my babies gave me much chance of that) and tried to keep to my normal sleep patterns.

Sleep is for the weak!

Another one confirming you do get used to it. Pre-dc I had to have 8-9 hours sleep a night & could easily go longer if left. Twin dds ended all that & it never ceases to amaze me that I actually survived their first few years. That said, memory is shot to shite & I don't really remember much of it
Dds are now 10 so all that is behind us, but I can still roll into work on four hours sleep & function pretty normally. Not sure how I'd get on over a prolonged period, I was a lot fitter (and younger) back then. But yes, the human body is an amazing thing & adjusts - just try and remember next time you are out & some woman does something ditsy/weird/annoying it's quite possible she left her brain in bed that day. How they ever used to let me out the house in charge of two small people is beyond me - always felt I'd done well to come back with them

I had to give up breastfeeding due to lack of sleep hallucinations. You're not the only wimp op! Dd now going through 4 month sleep regression and I feel constantly ill and disconnected but am managing to function for the sake of 3yo ds (who always has been a perfect sleeper). I am however a total bitch in the mornings. Dh can't get to work fast enough

Goodtoes: "I don't get the mindset of i will not try controlled crying when a family is seriously sleep-deprived for prolonged periods.
Literally I can't understand".

As ifgrand says, it can make them worse. With both my non-sleeping children, I just knew it would not work. My dd in particular was highly strung and could just cry and cry and cry.

My dcs are now 11 and 8 and they are brilliant sleepers. They still don't need that much of it but they don't get sleep deprived or jet lagged and just never give me any grief at all in the sleep department. Because I spent so many years co-sleeping, I feel I have such a special bond at night time with them and they also have a close bond with each other. They choose to share a double bed even though dd 11 will probably want her own bed soon. As a working parent, that feels so special.

I am glad I did not CIO. Not because I am a saint but because it would not work. I now reap the benefits.

What makes baby tiredness so different whatthese is the lack of control you have over the situation - hence The Fear! With most other situations you have either some degree of control, or at least knowledge of what will happen.

For example, if you are working shifts, you know that at 11pm (eg) your shift will finish, so you can aim towards that. All nighters at work/study - you know you can get a few solid hours sleep the next day/night/week. And if it ultimately gets too much you can quit your job. If you pull an all nighter at a party it's your own stupid choice. You're not standing holding your drink and begging someone to let you sleep.

The thing with baby tiredness is someone else is utterly in control. Someone with absolutely zero regard for your needs. They wake you without notice on any whim, and it could go on for years and years.

Up until 1 week ago I've been living off less than 3 hours broken sleep a night thanks to my 10 month old baby

It's been a struggle and I had a car crash which was down to me being exhausted I think.

On the other hand I still have made sure my largish house is very clean and do house work and ironing for 2 hours after he goes to bed, manage at least 3 times a week to carry my son (26lb) in a ruck sack up to 10 miles walks

All my friends call me super woman lol but you just manage to get on with it , it's not pleasant but else can you do..? Sit about and moan.? My husband works away at a month a time so I've had no choice

By the love of god my son has suddenly started sleeping this past week and the irony is I cannot now sleep

I went to bed at 9.30 last night and was still awake at 3.30am then up at 6.30am with my son I think so long of not sleeping has ruined my ability to sleep

I'm hoping it sorts it self out and soon

I don't want to leave my children to cry is one reason I won't do CC / CIO.

The other reason is that the one left to cry would wake the other one, so we'd have 2 awake, which is somewhat counter productive.

But it's mainly the first reason.

schokolade - I totally agree with your post. Knowing that you didn't get to bed until 1 and have to be up again at 6 is totally different to the utter randomness of baby sleep deprivation. Especially that twitching feeling when you are woken and realise that you were already half awake because you'd been waiting for that yell.

DD2 was what many would call a bad sleeper. She woke every 2 hours like clockwork for nearly 2 years. But actually, once you adjusted, that was ok. You went to bed at 10 and sunk into a deep sleep, knowing the next call would be 12, then 2, then 4.... Her brother, on the other hand, was random waking bingo. You could get 5 hours, or you could get 45 minutes. It was much, much harder to cope with.

I understand that you don't want your children crying. But for people who are hallucinating, grumpy, have constant headaches and forget things all the time...wouldn't a few nights of crying be worth it?
Not cry it out, I don't like that. But gentle sleep training with lots of reassurance and love is surely worth a try?

I've never slept, I don't know how i manage to operate. I do believe it probably has knocked a good few years off my lifespan though. And my eyelids are really saggy for my age.

Goodtoes: "But gentle sleep training with lots of reassurance and love is surely worth a try?"

You are talking about a different baby. If reassurance and love does not even work on my dcs an ordinary day without sleep training, how would sleep training ever be "gentle"? If the parent prefers to be the one to be in distress rather than their defenceless baby, I don't think that is difficult to understand.

I gained 2 stone and 12 pounds by eating to combat tiredness.

I wouldn't recommend, but was the only way for me to "deal". We also luckily had MIL and FIL watch our wonderful girl about 1 a week.

As others have said...you just do! Neither if my children were great sleepers, they now (at 5 and 3) sleep through (3 yr old normally wakes in early hours and comes in to us for rest of night) but wake very early...6ish if not earlier.

What else can you do? Sleep when you can, try to eat well, treat them and you with kindness, have cbeebie afternoons when needed and remember this too will pass!

Goodtoes: "wouldn't a few nights of crying be worth it?"

I missed out on that crystal ball that told me it would only be a few nights, my baby would miraculously settle after "gentle reassurance" and never ever regress and I would never have to do it again and my baby would never remember any of this.

It is also worth saying that a lot of the people who are riding it out with poor sleeping children are doing so not because they haven't tried anything to make them sleep better, but because the things they have been willing to try haven't worked.

My friends were desperate with their son's sleep. They tried everything. They tried sleep training. He vomited all over himself. A couple of times. Funnily enough they stopped and rode it out (well, are still riding it out. He's 4 now).