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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leg it fast to a hotel

74 replies

ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:21

AIBU to think that my teenagers are ungrateful, lazy and rude...and I should do a runner

Feeling really down about my teenagers - 3 of them ages from 13 to 19 - they have a ver ver naice life. Nice suburb, private schools, drive bmw as their first car, everything paid for, want for nothing, iPhones , all the gear etc etc

Basically I feel like I am the back-up to everyone else's nice life ie I make lunches, do the laundry, clean the house (it's not small), make dinner, iron uniforms, cook a healthy dinner every night blah blah blah and it's not that I mind doing it that much as after 20 odd years I am actually pretty bloody good at keeping on top of it all and all the juggling - it is more that on top of that there is rather than happy faces and thank yous there is the rudeness and the attitudes and downright nastiness and the looks as if I am some kind of witch for asking for help with things

Trust me I've tried everything from going on strike,to chores lists, to threatening, to blackmail and nothing works hence why now I just am in the routine of doing the brunt of it and shutting up, however, feel soooooo pissed off to be doing this and then to be treated badly on top of it - they should be bloody grateful compared to the shit 'childhood' I had. They are not all bad it's just mainly the household day to day stuff. I'm so over it!!!

Does anyone else feel the same?

AIBU to expect some respect and a genuine willingness to help? (And if so how???!!!)

AIBU to tell them all to once and for all to fuck off and I'll never do another 'responsible adult' thing again (ie won't make dinner, clean uniforms, lunches) and let them fend for themselves or is it my job in life as a mum???

Really like to hear your experiences and ideas/ views.

Right now am ready to go to a hotel for the night and not come back. Oh to have babies again :((

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/07/2015 12:23

As going back in time and not spoiling them isnt an option, Hotel it is!

asmallandnoisymonkey · 22/07/2015 12:25

Honestly it sounds like they have too much - why should they do as you ask when they clearly have everything they want and more without ever having to do anything for it?

YAsoNBU · 22/07/2015 12:28

Surely your job as mum is to teach them how to do those things for themselves?

You are not doing them or their future partners any favours!

mojo17 · 22/07/2015 12:29

Hmm
It's hotel of course with absolutely no preparing stuff for them in advance just let them know you'll be back in a fortnight
Or could you get a fake plaster cast and then just supervise them

ilovesooty · 22/07/2015 12:29

Since they've been spoiled and indulged perhaps I'd the "want for nothing" situation changes they'll be more motivated to pull their weight and contribute to the household.

BreeVDKamp · 22/07/2015 12:32

YANBU!!

But even if I had all the money in the world, my kids would be lucky to even have an old banger bought for them for their first car! Shock

Spartans · 22/07/2015 12:33

Hotel sounds good!

However it will take a long time to undo the many years of being taught they get what they want.

My kids have a very nice life too. I could afford to give them more just for shits and giggles, but they really appreciate everything they do get. Which is a fair amount.

You say this has been going on for ages. Maybe you need to stop giving them new cars etc, unless they change their attitudes?

Jackie0 · 22/07/2015 12:33

They sound very privileged indeed.
The ones that are old enough need to get part time work for if they want money in their pocket and the 13 year old can do chores for picket money.
Honestly though what did you think was going to happen?
You need to prepare them for an independent life op.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2015 12:33

As going back in time and not spoiling them isnt an option, Hotel it is!

This ^^ in spades.

I've often heard parents of troublesome teenagers (not saying yours are 'troublesome' OP) saying, "I can't work out why they're like this, they've never wanted for anything".

I can't help thinking there's your answer then, probably.

mrsdavidbowie · 22/07/2015 12:35

Why in earth do you make their lunches? I haven't done that since mine were 10.
Well you've allowed them to behave like that.

Lottapianos · 22/07/2015 12:36

What Worra said pretty much. You're the adult here OP, take control.

Expecting your children to be 'grateful' for what you do never works out well. There's no medal for martyrdom. Things need to start changing in your house. It sounds like they have no respect for you at all. Changing that starts with you.

scarletforya · 22/07/2015 12:37

They got bmw's as their first cars?!Shock

OP, I'm sorry but they've been utterly spoilt. Doing everything for them and giving them everything was the wrong thing to do.

I don't know if it can be turned around at this stage but I would certainly stop being maid, cook, butler and bank straight away!

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:38

Mrsbowie - no lunches made since she 10? Wow interesting thanks :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:39

scarlet - so how would you go about doing that???

OP posts:
Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:41

Need to clarify the bmw thing - not actually bought for them but are there for them to use (our cars but because we commute otherwise are available) with all tax, insurance and fuel paid for but not in itself given to them as gift

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 22/07/2015 12:43

Well clearly you've been a 'doormat' for so long that that is how they see you; I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Basically, you've spoilt them and they expect you to go on doing it until they leave home, at which point, no doubt, they'll expect you to go on doing it in other ways; giving them money to fritter away etc. Stop spoiling them. Why do they need so many expensive things, bmw for first car ffs. Why? It's not necessary. You're doing them, and yourself, no favours letting everything fall into their laps.

You need to get tough. Sit them down and talk to them and tell them calmly and forcefully that they are going to contribute more in the home; you use the word help, it's not 'help', they live in the house, they should do more to make the house run smoothly. Why can't they cook a meal occasionally, it's a valuable life skill.

Stop picking up after them and doing all their chores; bet they don't even know how to use the washing machine or hoover.

If they don't pull their weight things don't get done. Let them iron their own clothes or wear crumpled stuff, if their rooms are a mess it's not your responsibility. Stop letting them treat you with such disrespect. If you demand respect you'll get it.

Don't want to sound harsh OP, but you reap what you sow.

And yes, maybe you should run off for a while.

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:44

that's an idea mojo

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 22/07/2015 12:44

Why, if you are well-off, do you not have a cleaner? Confused

Definitely bugger off and leave them to it for a fortnight.

Nanny0gg · 22/07/2015 12:45

My children made their own lunches from secondary school start. Same with their ironing. Ditto cleaning their own rooms and changing their beds.

Where do they get cash/spends from? Maybe that needs to stop unless they earn it.

What does their father think?

However, they should be bloody grateful compared to the shit 'childhood' I had. has nothing to do with it. That was your experience not theirs. And trying to make up your shit past with their lives never works.

HighwayDragon · 22/07/2015 12:48

Sit them down together and tell them things are going to change from now on these things are going to happen

They make their own lunches.
They make sure their dirty clothes are in the wash basket - not in the basket means not cleaned.
Not cleaning up after themselves, no money.

And stick to it, if they've got no clean uniform, tough shit they'll have to deal with the consequences at school. They don't make their lunch, tough shit they go hungry. They don't tidy up, tough shit they lose pocket money.

Toughen the hell up.

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:48

WorraLiberty

Actually I think this is part of the problem - they are far far from 'troublesome' all three are very high achievers, work hard, one represents the country in sport and trains a lot - all if them work very hard at school it's just in contrast to that the actual chore side of it is dire.

OP posts:
Minionkeeper · 22/07/2015 12:49

My 5yo makes his own lunch. He and the 4yo strip their beds on a Saturday.

I think a house meeting, explain the situation and then set chore lists and stick with it. If they don't do their washing they will run out of clean clothes. The car is only available once the bathroom is clean. I think consistency is key.

But make sure they have tasks which won't bother you if they're not done. So don't ask them to clean the living room or kitchen if you can't face living in a midden or inviting visitors into that space. Good luck.

HighwayDragon · 22/07/2015 12:50

The eldest, are they in education/training/work? If not why not?

hollyisalovelyname · 22/07/2015 12:53

Noblegiraffe I thought the same.
If I was well off like the OP I'd have help in the house.
Those offspring sound over indulged.
Less of the spoiling them OP .
And GO to an hotel for a couple of days.... just don't prewarn then and don't prepare anything for them.
Enjoy it.... you deserve it.

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:56

Noble giraffe

I do have a cleaner however keeping on top of this house of 5 is a daily thing when I'm doing the brunt of it myself

OP posts:
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