AIBU to leg it fast to a hotel

[ninawish]

AIBU to think that my teenagers are ungrateful, lazy and rude...and I should do a runner

Feeling really down about my teenagers - 3 of them ages from 13 to 19 - they have a ver ver naice life. Nice suburb, private schools, drive bmw as their first car, everything paid for, want for nothing, iPhones , all the gear etc etc

Basically I feel like I am the back-up to everyone else's nice life ie I make lunches, do the laundry, clean the house (it's not small), make dinner, iron uniforms, cook a healthy dinner every night blah blah blah and it's not that I mind doing it that much as after 20 odd years I am actually pretty bloody good at keeping on top of it all and all the juggling - it is more that on top of that there is rather than happy faces and thank yous there is the rudeness and the attitudes and downright nastiness and the looks as if I am some kind of witch for asking for help with things

Trust me I've tried everything from going on strike,to chores lists, to threatening, to blackmail and nothing works hence why now I just am in the routine of doing the brunt of it and shutting up, however, feel soooooo pissed off to be doing this and then to be treated badly on top of it - they should be bloody grateful compared to the shit 'childhood' I had. They are not all bad it's just mainly the household day to day stuff. I'm so over it!!!

Does anyone else feel the same?

AIBU to expect some respect and a genuine willingness to help? (And if so how???!!!)

AIBU to tell them all to once and for all to fuck off and I'll never do another 'responsible adult' thing again (ie won't make dinner, clean uniforms, lunches) and let them fend for themselves or is it my job in life as a mum???

Really like to hear your experiences and ideas/ views.

Right now am ready to go to a hotel for the night and not come back. Oh to have babies again :((

When you come back from the hotel I would organise a "team meeting" and discuss your shared family goals and how much progress you are making towards them.

Everyone gets a chance to speak uninterrupted and then at the end of the meeting you agree what needs to change.

You can review the situation at the next meeting.

My mum did everything for us at home (picked upnour dirty clothes - washed / ironed / put them away) none of us pushed the hoover round or made a meal... it didn't stand us in good stead at all. Moving out was a massive culture shock and I had no idea how to do even the most baaic task like running the washing machine. I've taught myseld but my brothers are still useless and my mum still does my little brothers washing and ironing.

Dp on the other hand was first home on an evening from being 14 so he cooked for the family and his brothers had set jobs to do. His mam said she'd have been ashamed to send her boys out into the world without being able to look after themselves and a home.

I love my mam but I know which way of parenting we're following...

Ncterro

Very good perspective. Thank you for commenting

So you are like a servant?
Are you fucking mad?
Why?

Family meeting -
The dc's are responsible for their own rooms. Even the cleaner is barred. They all do their own washing. Forget if it's not in the basket. No they want clean clothes they do it.

The working ones. Bank of parents is closed. They pay mobiles and petrol and other expenses apart from food. This changes when they go full time.

Rota for cooking. Everyone cooks. Instead of 10 meals in 10 days you will be cooking 2. Don't know how, well they need to learn. They are intelligent they will work it out. Plus there's loads of YouTube videos.

Lunches and breakfast they make their own.

They can complain as much as
They like. But this is how it's going to be. Oh and the rota you are on it in 5 days time. If the dc's/Dh doesn't cook then there's no dinner and you will not bail them out.

I'd have been totally mortified if my mum was washing my knickers when I was 19! The first thing to stop is the washing. Don't stop cold turkey, tell them you're doing it, give them a tutorial on how to wash things and set up a rota. Tell them you'll give advice if needed but you won't do the actual washing. You should have taught them this skill years ago. I was washing my own clothes from age 11.

Assuming your DH is on the same page as you and agrees that the kids need to pull their own weight more, I'd go away for as long as you can and leave them to it. Find a self-catering holiday cottage somewhere and go away for a fortnight and let them see exactly how much you do, by withdrawing your labour completely. Get DH to be explicit with them about how you've had enough of being taken for granted and treated like an unpaid skivvy. Let them experience the consequences of not taking responsibility for their own food/laundry/tidiness. One night won't be long enough, you need to properly back off so that they have to fend for themselves.

I;m like you op, minus the BMW and ver naice lives they all have

I left home unable to make a cup of tea...my mum did everything (with a lot of passive agressive resentment thrown in). Im not saying you are the same. I really really struggled with real life, i had no life skills at all. Please encourage your children to be more independant, they will thank you for it later on.

I was brought up like this to the extent that my dad even managed my accounts, work issues and everything. I was 25 when i moved abroad having had cleaners all my life id nueber even washed a dish. My partner taught me everything. Im 35 now and still battle with life issues and housework. I had zero life skills at all. My mum made our lunches amd covered our books even when i was 18.i wish i was given more preparation. I really battle now.

Ds who is 9 hoovers and does the dishwasher daily otherwise no pocket money at the end of the month, dd who is 5 dusts and feeds the animals. They both clean the bathrooms and keep their own bedrooms tidy.

I do think reading thru these threads that I was quite spoilt in terms of what I he'd to do around the house.

Mum did all the cooking and washing, but I helped if needed (eg peel these carrots please) and I put dirty clothes in the basket and clean clothes away.

I didn't have a packed lunch as a teenager but when I started work at 29 my mum made my lunches for me! How embarrassing is that!

I had to keep my room tidy but not really clean unless I made a particular mess and needed to hoover or clean the desk because we had a cleaner.

I helped make my bed up but probably didn't have to do it on my own all that often.

I would set the table and clear it and load the dishwasher.

So basically not a lot. I was high achieving academically and had music and sport commitments. So mum would be cooking tea while I would be doing music practice and homework then we could all relax after tea.

Going completely cold turkey is probably easier said than done. I would agree with gradually reducing your availability, or sell it to the children as part of growing up / becoming more independent

If you are a SAHM, then perhaps look at returning to work?

A few people have asked where OP's DH stands on this issue, but I don't think that's been answered

Started work at 19. Not 29!

Anyway mum did teach me how to do all the jobs so I was quite capable of putting on a wash and cooking and stuff and I was fine when I moved out.

I also didn't have a bad attitude so, for example, if I was home at lunch on a weekend I would pull together a salad or sandwich for me and mum not just me. And if I was in and she was going out, she would tell me to take the washing out and hang to dry. That kind of thing.

Cold turkey is the best.
A gradual thing is just prolonging everything. Prolonging it will just give the dc's the impression it's all chat.
How long do you draw it out for? A week, month, 6 months?
Doesn't help the op really.

Think of it like a plaster. Or waxing. The faster you pull, the less pain it
Causes.

Change the wifi code daily.

No chores = no wifi code.

You are being taken advantage of.
As a teenager I had a great life but I still helped:

• Clean room
• help dust house / hoover
• set table, clear table / wash up or load dishwasher
• change sheets on bed.
• Washing done however ironing was usually done while was at school
• From age 13 I cooked once a week for everyone at least.
• water plants in summer.

Do the older ones pay rent? They won't survive when they leave home and you will end up still doing it.

As I understand it, you have a cleaner who does the basic housework. Good. You work hard and have decided to pay someone to take those chores off your hands.
Theoretically, that leaves the nicer side of home-making to you, like preparing interesting meals/packed lunch, supervising after school activities/driving them places and the dreaded laundry.

You feel your teenagers don't appreciate what you do for the three points above.

THEY ARE ALREADY CAPABLE OF DOING MOST OF IT THEMSELVES.

Create a system this holiday and stick to it.

1. Lunchbox ingredients are in the fridge. Fill your box after breakfast. Unload and load the dishwasher when necessary.
2. Younger DC have a schedule for lifts. Older kids ask and "reserve" the car two days in advance.
3. Washing machine is switched on with its contents when (mother) leaves the house. M/W/F everybody's whites, T/Th darks, Sat brights. Sun bedsheets. Sports kits washed in the afternoon (their responsibility entirely). Each teenager has a day to move the washing onto the line or into the dryer. You or DH do the other days.

This is not doing you a favour, this is pulling their own weight. It's not slave labour, it is slightly more equal distribution of the workload, freeing you to enjoy home life and the company of your teenagers, who sound like very nice kids.

DH and I have recognized that we are guilty of this - only DD is currently 9.

Also are a long hours, FT working, manically busy household. And a similar - didn't have a lot growing up - background.

DD is away this week in grandparents, and we are all away for 2 weeks together after that. So no point in starting anything this week. But DH and I had discussed it, and I actually made a start by buying DD a small basket for her room at lunchhour yesterday, so that she can bring down her dirty clothes from the attic (no she is not banished!) every morning to the main dirty clothes hamper.

While we're away, we're self catering - so I will ALSO be on holidays and everyone will be pitching in. And it gives us time to talk about the new regime when we get home before we start into it.

Not sure I've seen a stealth boost regarding so many different things in one post before!!

The words "rod" and "back" spring to mind.

OP, draw up a rota and get them all to do their fare share... stop pandering to them and doing everything for them and for the love of God stop giving them what they want, make them earn it!

In response to the same thing, my friend became 'don't care mummy' for a week.

Need clean clothes? I don't care.

Need dinner? I don't care.
Need a lift? I don't care.

Need help with anything else? I don't care.

Need a something important from the shops? I don't care.

Can't find something? I don't care.

It took a huge amount of discipline to stick to it, but she did and the kids were transformed at the end of the week. They finally understood everything she did for them and stated to get some more help.

Dd (11) has an awful habit of not putting her clothes in the wash. When she was small I would go and clear them. Now if she wants something and it's not washed because it's on her floor its tough. Happened twice in one week and hasn't happened again in 6 months.

As long as you do something now OP, you haven't failed them.

After you get back from your holiday it'll be time for the big meeting.
Print them each out a list of their chores you will no longer be doing. Room cleaning, laundry, ironing, lunches etc. Let them know you will be available to give advice and instructions for two weeks only (they may have lots of clothes and take this long to run out) Attach a laminated instruction how to use on the washer and dryer. The leave them to it. Go out everyday so you don't make their food. I'd cook dinner as usual, but thats it.

I'm still wondering what OP's DH thinks about it

I always think it's quite funny when people think because you didn't do something as a child, you won't be able to do it as an adult.

I was a lazy so and so as a kid. My mum is not - she is a real do-er and if something needs doing, it gets done now. My dad was reasonably dynamic as well (he has Parkinsons now, hence the past tense).

I went to uni when I was 18. When mummy wasn't doing everything for me, I had to do it, so I did (although I stored up clothes and take them home to wash, but that was partly because I found going to a launderette a real pain, when I lived in a student house with a washing machine I did do it myself). I also spent two years in Germany as a student so had to stand on my own two feet then.

I only started to iron when I started work and even now I buy as many clothes as I can which don't require ironing. I don't like cooking, I like eating though.

My DH is the youngest of 4. His mum didn't work. He doesn't remember doing much around the house and he shared a room with his two brothers so not much tidying went on. But he moved out and got a flat of his own and because he didn't like living in a pig-sty he cleaned and cooked and had a washing machine and learn to iron (and does his own shirts now because I don't do them the way he wants them). That had nothing to do with his mum bringing him up right and everything to do with his personality. My mum is the same, very tidy. Her older sister is not - my mum used to wash her clothes for her and clean her shoes as a child, and she's 7 years younger.

The nature-nurture debate is one we could debate for weeks/months/years, but ultimately I think people are either lazy or they are not. I don't have a particularly messy house, but neither is it pristine.

However, if the OP's kids are quite privileged, I do think they need to understand a little more how the other half lives. If they won't help around the house, then they don't get access to the car, and have to use the bus (and pay for it themselves). I think it's more to do with showing respect to their mother and appreciating that she does a lot for them. I was lazy, but I did understand that my mum made a lot of sacrifices for me and wouldn't have dared to be rude.