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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leg it fast to a hotel

74 replies

ninawish · 22/07/2015 12:21

AIBU to think that my teenagers are ungrateful, lazy and rude...and I should do a runner

Feeling really down about my teenagers - 3 of them ages from 13 to 19 - they have a ver ver naice life. Nice suburb, private schools, drive bmw as their first car, everything paid for, want for nothing, iPhones , all the gear etc etc

Basically I feel like I am the back-up to everyone else's nice life ie I make lunches, do the laundry, clean the house (it's not small), make dinner, iron uniforms, cook a healthy dinner every night blah blah blah and it's not that I mind doing it that much as after 20 odd years I am actually pretty bloody good at keeping on top of it all and all the juggling - it is more that on top of that there is rather than happy faces and thank yous there is the rudeness and the attitudes and downright nastiness and the looks as if I am some kind of witch for asking for help with things

Trust me I've tried everything from going on strike,to chores lists, to threatening, to blackmail and nothing works hence why now I just am in the routine of doing the brunt of it and shutting up, however, feel soooooo pissed off to be doing this and then to be treated badly on top of it - they should be bloody grateful compared to the shit 'childhood' I had. They are not all bad it's just mainly the household day to day stuff. I'm so over it!!!

Does anyone else feel the same?

AIBU to expect some respect and a genuine willingness to help? (And if so how???!!!)

AIBU to tell them all to once and for all to fuck off and I'll never do another 'responsible adult' thing again (ie won't make dinner, clean uniforms, lunches) and let them fend for themselves or is it my job in life as a mum???

Really like to hear your experiences and ideas/ views.

Right now am ready to go to a hotel for the night and not come back. Oh to have babies again :((

OP posts:
Goshthatsspicy · 22/07/2015 12:57

They arent "high achievers" outside of education though.
They need to 'earn' something...

Spartans · 22/07/2015 13:01

Firstly any shitty behaviour would result in the car privileges being revoked.

No lifts in the car from you or your dh (assuming you have one)

Sit them down and tell them from now

No lunches being made

None of their ironing being done

They are doing their own washing

Do the very bare minimum and stop allowing them to walk all over you

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:01

Goshthatsspicy

I think that could be the problem!!

It's always been about that one is representing in sport at national level, others are very academic etc means that the other side is overlooked and we've almost overlooked that

OP posts:
InTheBox · 22/07/2015 13:02

There's no medal for martyrdom

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/07/2015 13:07

People will happily assume you are happy to do something they don't particularly want to do if you keep doing it. This is easier for them than the alternative of stepping up and helping out.

I would stage a phased withdrawal. e.g. all washing to be sorted into light and darks and brought down. Iron and put their own clothes away. During the holidays they take turns to make meals etc.

Otherwise run away now.

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:07

just to clarify also we don't actually give them any money as such - both the older one's work part-time jobs - however they use it for fancy things (like older one uses it to fund overseas holidays twice yearly) while we pay for all the boring day to day stuff like phone contracts , petrol, food

I am
Beginning to realise that I've really let them down as a parent by giving to much :(((( and now feeling worse than when I started this thread

Feeling shit because will be so harsh to dig out of this

OP posts:
Spartans · 22/07/2015 13:09

What does your dh (again assuming you have one) or partner think about all this?

Goshthatsspicy · 22/07/2015 13:09

My phone keeps freezing, made my post look too blunt - sorry... Anyway,
I think we are all guilty of pandering to our teens talents. I know l've done it a bit with our eldest. In your case, if financial affairs are in order, l can see it being repeated.
What you do for them sounds really lovely, tiring for you though- They just won't learn anything if you carry on 'carrying' them Wink

noblegiraffe · 22/07/2015 13:10

I had a conversation with a 16 year old that I teach when I expressed surprise that his mum still made his packed lunch. He said that it was a parent's job to look after their children and do stuff for them. I told him that it was a parent's job to teach their child gradual independence so come 18 they would be able to leave the family home and fend for themselves when it came to housework, cooking etc. He was unconvinced, but I could see that his mum wasn't doing him any favours and he will struggle at university.

Spartans · 22/07/2015 13:12

Are you planning to pay all their living costs when they work full time? will their wages be for fancy things then?

Or will they be expected to pay for their lives at some point?

DD (11) has an i-phone. She does jobs around the house each week to earn what it costs. Each job has a fixed amount and she earns the phone each month. Instead of earning pocket money.

I would'nt have dreamt of buying her and paying outright for it.

trilbydoll · 22/07/2015 13:13

If it's any consolation, my Mum spoilt us rotten, we used to set the table and clear it (not even load the dw) and that was it.

I appreciate her so much more now! Moving out was quite an eye opener as to how much she must have done and even now DH and I don't do stuff as regularly as we know we should. I am convinced Mum is superwoman.

My parents couldn't afford to pay for phones etc so I am better with money than I am at housework Smile

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:16

Spartans

DH is fed up too - we've both worked VERY hard to go from a working class background where we had literally nothing when we met, which graduated to two deck chairs and slowly building on everything and working HARD long hours to get where we are now

we have 3 very nice kids on the surface (they are polite, agreeable and well mannered on the outside) who work hard at what they want to but who don't help out without us nagging in real life

OP posts:
achieve15 · 22/07/2015 13:17

OP, if they are all teens there is tons of stuff they should do for themselves. 19 years of age DC should be doing pretty much everything with the odd bit of guidance.

of course you can't go back in time. but stay away for a bit, come back and explain that things will be different from now. Laundry, ironing, basic cooking all fine for teens. It will make their outside life much better if they get in good habits now. They may be great at study adn stuff but in later life they will probably work full time and hvae to do domestics as well?

Spartans · 22/07/2015 13:19

Well this is his mess to sort too.

Unless, he objected to all the indulgences along the way.

As I said give them jobs they have to do. If they don't do them, they don't get to borrow your car.

Make them do their own lunch etc. you can fix it if you stick to it.

whois · 22/07/2015 13:20

I was going to ask that Sartans. What does DH do around the home? How does he treat you? I'd place a good bet that you do everything for him and he never even picks up after himself or makes a meal?!?

If you don't work, and they re at school and have part time jobs - maybe they feel it your 'job' to look after the home and all their needs. That is the cycle you need to break, and you need to establish a bit of respect.

Making their own lunches is a v easy win - just stop doing that but provide food in the fridge which is suitable. Leave any mess they make or them to clear up when they get back from school. Washing - they need to bring it to the washing bins separated into light and dark. you wash and dry and sort into tier piles but then they need to iron and put the clothes away.

Pick one night which is their responsibility to cook - they only have to do it once every three weeks with three of them. They have to plan the food, and write the ingredients on the shopping list/check cupboards.

rudeness and attitude is the key - that is completely unacceptable and you and DP need to get strategies in place to deal with it. this needs to be more about fostering respect and a family 'together' attitude rather than sing 'hard power' such as stopping money I think to be most successful. Although maybe a bit of "since you don't want to do things for yourself/the good of the family, like doing your own ironing, it makes me not want to do some things which mainly benefit you, such as letting you use the car/pay for your mobile/take you to expensive sports training" etc

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:21

Chazsbrilliantattitude

I see you are right - I always just have carried in doing it rather than dealing with the consequences

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 22/07/2015 13:22

Ask them what they think the job of a parent is.

plus3 · 22/07/2015 13:24

Could you become less available without making it a big deal? Be out more around meal times, not available for putting a wash on & use your car more so they can't? Subtlety change the routine to encourage a change? It's not their fault that they have had all this made available to them, but equally it must be difficult to hear your DC behave in such an entitled way.

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:24

Noble giraffe

I think i am yes in that role where I think it's my job to do lunches etc whereas it's not doing them any favours HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:27

Plus3

Thanks I actually tried this yday - sort of avoidance by not being home and all was fine - uniforms done etc

It just makes me feel so sad that to get things done I need to be out of my own home Hmm

OP posts:
plus3 · 22/07/2015 13:28

And I don't think you have let them down - you are recognising the problem & trying to solve it Smile

teacher54321 · 22/07/2015 13:29

Are you my mum?! I'm the youngest of three and was super hardworking at school/high achiever/head girl etc but at home I did absolutely nothing at all and my mum did everything for me. When I went to university I had never put on a washing machine, never cleaned a bathroom, never hoovered. I was very spoilt. Now I'm 34 and still crap at housework, although much better than I was! Try and prepare them a bit, as I really pissed off my uni housemates by being so messy and lazy!

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:30

Inthebox

You hit the nail on the head - I've been doing the Disney thing for so long because of the horrible childhood I had ...but now it is wearing and tiring and so not fair on me to keep
It all up

OP posts:
FundamentalistQuaker · 22/07/2015 13:31

I also did my own packed lunches from the beginning of secondary, and all the ironing for the family too. We were told to pick a chore and I picked that, because I could watch television while I was doing it.

My parents wouldn't have people just doing their own stuff because they thought it encouraged selfishness and made us seem less like a family than a lodging house, so they made each of us do something for everyone else. One sibling used to cook, the smallest cleaned everyone's shoes etc. We all had to tidy up.

Original poster
ninawish · 22/07/2015 13:32

Plus3

Yes I guess that's a positive!

OP posts: