to ask why do some very capable men sometimes act so incapable at home?

[Topseyt]

DH tried to tell me this evening that he had no idea how to press the pager button on the base unit of our landline phone so that it would beep and he could locate it to listen to a message. He does know how. He has done it before. Suddenly though, with me out collecting DD1 from her friend's house, he isn't able any more.

Once he had it in his paw, he then tried to claim that he had no idea how to listen to messages on it. Again, something he has done many times before, it isn't a new phone.

I'd bet that he wouldn't do it at work - telling the boss that he hasn't done something he was asked because he suddenly became inexplicably incapable of listening to his voicemail or reading his emails.

He wonders why I looked askance at him.

Sorry I didn't phrase that very well.

If you just bring them up from an early-age doing things there isn't a problem. My sons all cook, can clean a bathroom etc.
Mention that a 5 yr old can empty a dishwasher upon here and it is akin to sending them up,the chimneys and not giving them a childhood! Mention giving a 9 yr old a sharp knife to cut vegetables or boiling the kettle and they will 'cut themselves' or 'scald themselves'.
Most people don't get them doing it from the start of the relationship. Resentment sets in later.

Both of my children can and do help with chores, and have done from an early age. All age-appropriate, and DP and I have always taught them that everyone who lives in a house need to contribute to housework. I have DCs of both sexes.

And I'm currently teaching them to cook meals, although DD is already good at baking.

Dh says he multi-tasks, directs, leads, sorts out shit all day - he hasn't got the head space for it at home....I can understand that. He does his fair share of what we do as a couple.

"What's it called when women do the same thing to men? I witness my friends doing it to their DHs "

It's just called being a lazy selfish slob, isn't it?

The thing is, there are always exceptions. But overwhelmingly, the issue is one of gender roles, because when you say that you see your friends doing it to their DH's, do the DH's get stressed not just because their environment is a total mess and a fuck up, but also because when friends/ in-laws/ relatives come round, the DH's know that people are going to be thinking: "God, that bloke is an appalling house-holder, I don't know how his poor DW can live with him, look at the house he keeps, he obviously hasn't picked up a vacuum cleaner in weeks and you'd think he'd make the effort to clean up when he knows guests are coming round". I bet they don't. Because on the whole, men aren't judged on the state of their houses, women are.

And when they do their fair share, they are lauded as remarkable heroes by their friends and family. "Oh, isn't he good, aren't you lucky, I wish my DH would do half the amount your DH does" etc.

No-one says to a bloke "Isn't your wife fantastic, having a meal on the table and clean clothes for everyone all the time. Wow, I wish I had a wife."

Housework is one of those areas where it's really clear that we've still got a long way to go.

I do the finances, gardening and car stuff. My DH does the cooking/washing up taking kids to/from stuff. We share the shopping (we enjoy it) and equally ignore housework/laundry. He does more ironing than me though. Decorating/practical things we outsource.