to ask why do some very capable men sometimes act so incapable at home?

[Topseyt]

DH tried to tell me this evening that he had no idea how to press the pager button on the base unit of our landline phone so that it would beep and he could locate it to listen to a message. He does know how. He has done it before. Suddenly though, with me out collecting DD1 from her friend's house, he isn't able any more.

Once he had it in his paw, he then tried to claim that he had no idea how to listen to messages on it. Again, something he has done many times before, it isn't a new phone.

I'd bet that he wouldn't do it at work - telling the boss that he hasn't done something he was asked because he suddenly became inexplicably incapable of listening to his voicemail or reading his emails.

He wonders why I looked askance at him.

Isn't this a thread about married life and what works and what doesn't for us all?

We all have jobs we are crap at, and our DPs pick up the slack. We all have jobs our DPs are crap at, and we pick up the slack.

That's compromise and making a relationship/household work.

But then there's the pretending to be crap bullshit so other people do our work for us. That's rubbish, and we should be stamping it out and not encouraging it in our children.

IMO

God how tedious to live with a man who pretends to be domestically useless. I'm not sure I would have the patience. Nope. I know I wouldn't.

I don't encourage it in my children. I have 3 DDs. They do help out around the house, though do need nudged occasionally and bicker between themselves about it at times.

DH and his siblings were expected to do chores around the house when they were children. My MIL though was rather a control freak on domestic matters, despite insisting that she wanted help. Very little was ever good enough for her exacting standards. I lived in their house for a year whilst we saved a deposit to buy our first flat, so saw what it could be like.

I think some women do this the same way some men do. Sometimes it's laziness but not always.

Have you actually said this to him, the thing about "If your boss asked you to do this, what would you do?" Because you're right, the answer would NO WAY be "stand there looking gormless". It would be "Work it out and/or make something up to make it LOOK like you understand, and then panic".

If you read those stupid pop psychology of gender books they reckon that the man has burnt out all of his super-efficient man brain cells at work so he can't possibly operate a simple domestic toaster any more because he has literally used up his capacity. And he needs recharging with some "fire gazing time", probably in his man shed.

I think that the pretending theory is more apt. But even that doesn't make sense, it must take aeons more effort to keep up the pretence than to just work something out, especially when it's not that hard

Will be back to ponder later. Must go to bed. I have a theory about compartmentalising and roles but it's half formed.

Because they can.

Oh. Or what crusts said

I think it's maybe a bit like - have you ever done the thing where there's a disaster or emergency and you're the only responsible person around, so you act perfectly calm and in control and you sort everything out and later you're shaking like a leaf and don't know how you did it? And then another time when you experience some kind of emergency or disaster but somebody else is there to take control, you panic and flap and don't cope with it at all? Or most often the other way around, actually. I know people who usually faint at the sight of blood who have dealt single handedly with quite alarming injuries of their DC because they just couldn't panic in front of them, out of some kind of instinct.

I wonder if it's a bit like that but just on a really minor and undramatic scale?

BertieBotts, I did tell him tonight that there was no need to act incapable and that it was pissing me off.

It pissed DD1 off too. She is 20. She pointed the phone out to him, lying in clear line of sight in the same room as him and asked him directly why he seemed unable to see it, hear it or pick it up. To which he looked suddenly pretty sheepish.

They do it because they can.

I can't put up with men like that, I find them a brain drain and I can't be bothered dealing with the pseudo-helplessness, don't know where anything is, the 100 questions they trot over to you with in the midst of a task you've eventually got them to agree to do, whilst you get on with something else. i've been through that before - never again, its tedious and I find it unattractive. To the point of, renders a man unfanciable.

Good for you tho OP - at least you've also got your daughter onside who's copped on to the game so there's no hiding place...

HA! good on your DD.

Today I taught my DH how to turn off his iPod... He's had it two years! he actually said "well you learn something new every day!" He was genuinely incredulous!

He's electronically incapable. Gadgets are not his forte! But is otherwise wonderful. Has been doing the washing up, cleaning, hoovering (general household stuff) since he was 7 so he's skilled at that.

I am the logical thinker, he can't pack a car or work out a weekly meal plan to save his life, but the man can lift a washing machine single handedly and move a fridge freezer without breaking a sweat so its swings and roundabouts!

Essentially, we are Pinky and the Brain.

I think it's true that people have things get are good at, so they tend to do those, and try to avoid the things they are bad at. In our society, often these go along gender lines, because we girls are taught to do certain things, and become good at them, and boys are taught other things and become good at them.

I am embarrassed to say that I am 46, and until last month, I had never topped up the oil in my car, and did not even know how to do so. If the oil light came on, I would tell DH, and he would do it. The reason I did it last month was because he was away for a few days, so I had to do it, myself. Google is a fabulous thing, though.

I have never mowed a lawn, either.

DH yesterday looking for a piece of paperwork in our mail in-tray (shut up, it keeps it all in one place) - "oh my god where is it gone why can I never bloody find anything anywhere", stomps off to look in the filing cabinet, I go back to the pile of paper and shift three sheets and there is what he was looking for. What the fuck is that? It's not even learned helplessness, it's just daft!

I think helping someone find something as a one off or showing someone how to do something is different to general idleness.

Let's face it we'd all prefer someone else to do the donkey work for us.

Hell if someone wants to cook and clean for me I'm not going to stand in their way!

Personally I'm with MisstressDee I absolutely couldn't find someone like that attractive. Been there and it sapped the life out of me.

Let's face it we'd all prefer someone else to do the donkey work for us.

True enough - my DW doesn't help with DIY/decorating or repairs, doesn't mow the lawn, doesn't work with the car, objects to lifting anything heavier than a folding chair, can't work the Sky+ or fix a bike chain, and after 6 years of parenthood still doesn't know how to get the child seats in and out of the car.

When I raise this I get the 'well, you know how to do all that' look...

Mind you, she's better at looking at the finances, the lighter gardening, etc.

I'm guilty of this and its a mix of laziness and lack of confidence. I never check the cars (lazy), I don't know how to start or use the tractor, atv/snow plough, chainsaws, big lawn mower, and I don't make any effort to learn because of a lack of confidence even though I know I will only get good at this with practice.
But also I would then have to do half of those jobs and I don't want to because I'm lazy.

when my husband pulls that incapable/don't know how/you're better than me crap, I tell him well, you're going to struggle then aren't you but I'm sure you'll manage.

Amazingly - he does.

Who'd have thought it. Praise be. It's a miracle. Hallelujah.

Topsyet my mil was exactly the same, a control freak when it came to chores, so even though dh had jobs around the house to do, she would be there helicoptering everything. Then when they got older they just stopped doing them because she would take over anyway!

He's like that around the house now. He will do things, but he has to ask me if he's doing it 'right' he wasn't left to make mistakes on his own so he needs hand holding on the slightest things around the house!

When the baby arrives in not going to take over too much, I'm going to leave them together and let him get on with things, because he's great when he's left to his own devices, at work and such.

See I can't understand it.
I want to be able to do anything. I'm independent and strong and can't wait around for someone to fix problems for me. I'm a do-er and can't understand how people are happy for others to solve problems for them.
I was waiting behind a guy to do my tyres at the air pump the other day and he said 'I wish my wife would want to learn to do this'
I accept we need the expertise of some people sometimes (my dad who is an electrician and engineer has come to our aid several times when our appliances have broke after all troubleshooting options have failed) but simple tasks we can easily learn to do ourselves we should IMO. YouTube is great for finding out anything from how to build flat pack to how to fix a vacuum.

True enough - my DW doesn't help with DIY/decorating or repairs, doesn't mow the lawn, doesn't work with the car, objects to lifting anything heavier than a folding chair, can't work the Sky+ or fix a bike chain, and after 6 years of parenthood still doesn't know how to get the child seats in and out of the car.

When I raise this I get the 'well, you know how to do all that' look...
***

Haha this is so me.

Since splitting from my husband however I have done all those things. I was going write a critical remark about lazy men, but reading this made me realize I was doing the same thing in an relationship...just in a different way.

DH is pretty good on this front but occasionally reverts to type and acts like a domestic idiot. I call him on it every single time and I think he's so bored with me doing that that he just gets on with things now!

Things like: 'what's for dinner?' A: 'why are you asking me?' 'Is our washing machine also a tumble drier?' 'We chose it together - why don't you go and check it, if you've forgotten' etc...

I'll admit to constructing all the flat pack furniture, however, as he really is rubbish at that.

Absolutely agree with pp, I cannot find a man like this attractive, which is why we're divorcing...! Well, one of the reasons. I just find it all so pathetic & demasculating. He lived on his own for 10 years as well! At least it's taught me how NOT to bring up dc.

Well from my experience this is far from being a single gender issue. I have over the years met plenty of women who have played the ?I?m too feeble/you do it so much better/its yucky/I don?t know how to do it/ I can?t be arsed to learn? card. Or my personal favourite the old ?I am going to pack a holiday bag that is more than half my weight and ask random men at the station/airport/bus stop to carry it up steps for me? because I can't be boterhed and that is what a real man would offer to do anyway!

There are some women out there who actually define household chores as being either 'blue' jobs or 'pink' jobs. i.e. take the bins out/mow the lawn = blue, sew a button on / bake a cake = pink. Uggh

Maybe they are also useless at work. Some of the men I have worked for in the past are pretty useless but they get away from it because their "team" (usually mostly women) do all the work and they get all the credit.

It is not just men, my mum is the master of the 'damsel in distress' to get out of anything she doesn't fancy doing. ironically, I find my picking up the slack for her far more than my DH, who is an equal competent adult (thank god) while my mum likes to play the childishly useless card. Going anywhere with her is like having another child, I feel myself relax when DH is around because I know he will help pick up the slack (& privately roll his eyes with me).

So I don't see it is gendered. Make sure you marry an equal competent adult (of either sex) and it will be fine.