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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why do some very capable men sometimes act so incapable at home?

131 replies

Topseyt · 21/07/2015 22:50

DH tried to tell me this evening that he had no idea how to press the pager button on the base unit of our landline phone so that it would beep and he could locate it to listen to a message. He does know how. He has done it before. Hmm Suddenly though, with me out collecting DD1 from her friend's house, he isn't able any more. ConfusedHmm

Once he had it in his paw, he then tried to claim that he had no idea how to listen to messages on it. Again, something he has done many times before, it isn't a new phone.

I'd bet that he wouldn't do it at work - telling the boss that he hasn't done something he was asked because he suddenly became inexplicably incapable of listening to his voicemail or reading his emails.

He wonders why I looked askance at him.

OP posts:
DodgedAnAsbo · 23/07/2015 22:22

In my experience, men are very single minded. Even when they are very responsible, if you take over a task, they will never attempt it again, it becomes 'your area'
I once looked a washed dish with a mark on it, 'tut tut. I'll wash this again'

he never , ever washed another dish till one day I asked him. now he never stops.
It's a man thing, they can be switched on, then switched off.
just make it clear, don't assume they have a proper brain

AdoraBell · 23/07/2015 22:28

At the ILs last week BIL was talking about his teen son doing chores for pocket money. MIL said "it's disgraceful, you didn't have to do 'work'" with her best cat's bum face. She has 4 DCs and the only one, male or female who pulls their weight at home is my DH, and that's only because I give him no option.

I'm ordering Wifework. I have teenage DDs, they need to know what not to accept.

INickedAName · 23/07/2015 23:13

I do almost all of the housework while I'm at home, but dh does at least half, if not more on weekends. He picks up after himself, knows where his stuff is, does his own laundry, does the grocery shopping, if he sees something needs doing he will do it.

One thing that does piss me off, and I feel kind of guilty for complaining after reading this thread, and it's Mil not dh who expects this but If dh forgets something Mil wanted bringing (DVD, book, bday card) then that's my fault, apparently DH can't be expected to remember his own stuff when leaving house so I should remember it for him and bring it, if i forget his wallet then I should go back home to get it. Fuck That.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 23/07/2015 23:24

I'm at least as bad as dh for this.

I'm crap at finding stuff. My general approach to finding lost items is 30 seconds of looking and then ask dh for help.
Since we had the dcs he's much less tolerant of my shit.

He can't stand gardening though and wouldn't have a clue.

He also seems to be unable to put his dirty washing in the washing basket. I do the laundry (I like laundry and his spare time is spent decorating our house).
I've decided it's time for a new rule if it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed. Smile

AskBasil · 24/07/2015 08:30

"just make it clear, don't assume they have a proper brain"

How come they don't act like this at work then?

And if they do, how come they get higher salaries and more promotions than people with proper brains (like women) and when they retire, their pensions are better as a result?

If it were really true that men were hopelessly single minded and stupid in this way, they wouldn't have managed to rule the world for at least 6000 years. They must have had some kind of brain - getting control of over 90% of the Earth's resources and doing 10% of the work, for six thousand years or more, can't all have been achieved just by violence alone. It must have taken some sort of intelligence to hang on to all that generation after generation.

Elliptic5 · 24/07/2015 08:50

Echoes of my DH in many many posts. He has held many complicated jobs and been a company director; since semi-retiring and starting his own business he is not only incapable of doing simple jobs in the house but also has become unable to work out strategies for his business, make simple phone calls to clients without me prompting and making lists of what he has to say, and professes not to understand the (very basic) accounts, AND cannot operate his laptop without my constant help! I am so infuriated by it all I wish I'd never encouraged him to leave work and set up on his own.

And probably the thing that annoys me the most is when I am trying to sort out the house and all his business stuff and I then ask him if he can think of something for dinner he says "oh I'll get fish and chips".

Rant over.

Postchildrenpregranny · 24/07/2015 10:16

But many women(myself included) are/were 'in charge' at work speed ? We don't usually revert to helplessness at home .I do think men's brains are differently wired though .DH will work through a list more or less happily but I think genuinely doesn't notice stuff that needs doing .And because I am very organised and can't bear chaos, I have created a rod for my own back over the years by either just getting on with it/giving him a list/ making some things his responsibility .When I worked ft (most of our marriage) we had a cleaner/ironer so a lot ' wifework' wasn't done by either of us -but by another woman, of course .But guesswho made sure the washing had been done so the ironing could be done on the day the cleaner came...Part of the problem is he went from a mother who did everything to a first wife who did everything(for ten years) .It was quite hard to try and reconstruct him and a lot of the time I let it go because I did not want an atmosphere of constant nagging for my DCs .But they are a lot less tolerant of so -called helpess men !

justmyview · 24/07/2015 14:59

postchildrenpregranny - DH ...... I think genuinely doesn't notice stuff that needs doing. And because I am very organised and can't bear chaos, I have created a rod for my own back over the years by either just getting on with it/giving him a list/ making some things his responsibility

TBH, I think he relies on you cracking first. It's hard for you to break that pattern, and indeed you may not wish to, but please don't kid yourself that he really doesn't notice

BitOutOfPractice · 24/07/2015 17:25

Nobody has answered my question about how you can possibly fancy, desire sexually, a man who acts basically like a toddler. It would be such a massive turn off for me to have to act like his mother.

angstybaby · 24/07/2015 18:05

my DH had o be in work today for 12.30: i booked him a cab for 12:15, had his lunch ready and on the table at 11:50. he went upstairs to get dressed at 11.45 and despite my shouting him multiple times to come down and eat his lunch (couldn't leave DD unattended - long story), he doesn't appear till 12:20, the cab is waiting, lunch is uneaten, and he shouts at me to find his keys, wallet, socks. i decline.

he's now sulking, why??????

BitOutOfPractice · 25/07/2015 07:51

That's not the question angsty. The question is why you did all the cab booking, lunch making and time reminding. Is he 4?

Sansarya · 25/07/2015 08:09

I honestly don't know how some men get away with this sort of behaviour and, even more bizarrely, why the women in their lives let them get away with it. I would never countenance a partner who was useless like this - I expect a man to do his share around the house and with DCs, and one who didn't would get pretty short shrift from me. I have some friends who say they have to micromanage their husbands, otherwise nothing would get done around the house. FFS! I can guarantee that after a few days of not washing his clothes he would bloody well learn how to operate the washing machine!!

frankbough · 25/07/2015 08:16

Why is nobody on this thread capable of communicating to the other person what is going on in there mind, if there is something that you feel is important then the best way is to speak without sarcasm and irritation and communicate..

Mehitabel6 · 25/07/2015 08:25

You have let him get away with it and made it your problem. You are an equal partner at home and not the one in charge that has to have things run past. In the case of angstybaby why did you do any of that? You are not his mother- and I wouldn't do that for my sons anyway once they got to a certain age. He could sort his own cab and get his own lunch.
In case of OP just tell him to read the instructions.

It shows that you need to get your children doing things for themselves at an early age. They can boil kettles, make toast, cook a meal, iron etc at quite a young age- if shown.

BabyGanoush · 25/07/2015 08:31

Living with DH and 2 DSs

Apparently they can't find stuff (cannot find their shoes, butter in the fridge, their keys, the dog lead)

I just say "hmm" or if irritated:" use your eyes".

Hopefully in about 5-10 years they will stop asking (patient)

eelpie234 · 25/07/2015 08:49

See when I pull DH up on his rubbishness or go on strike he reckons I'm just chucking a strop which inevitably causes a row Confused.

Need to find non-emotional strategy to get him to realise he is capable of not acting like a 2 year old at home

justmyview · 25/07/2015 08:54

eelpie234 I think that it's difficult to unlearn patterns. I'm not a big fan of suddenly going on strike. I think better to agree a division of chores & stick to it rigidly eg in this house, I NEVER EVER EVER empty the kitchen bin because it's not one of my jobs.

Mehitabel6 · 25/07/2015 09:30

You don't need a strategy for an adult. It isn't your problem- don't take it on.

HapShawl · 25/07/2015 10:04

"Why is nobody on this thread capable of communicating to the other person what is going on in there mind, if there is something that you feel is important then the best way is to speak without sarcasm and irritation and communicate.."

Who says that hasn't been tried?

BitOutOfPractice · 25/07/2015 10:17

It seems to me that everyone on this thread is in some perverse race to have the most infantile and pathetic partner

reni1 · 25/07/2015 11:22

There is always time to learn. Years ago, when my grandmother was very ill it became apparent grandfather cannot even decide what to eat, let alone shop for it, cook it, clean up after. Washing machine, ironing... no idea. Took a couple of month and he was able to do absolutely everything. Grandma recovered and never had to pick up all the wife work again, so everybody who babied their dp just stop for 2 months and prepare to be amazed at the steep learning curve.

AskBasil · 25/07/2015 11:33

Jesus. It's like feminism never happened.

These men do this because they feel entitled to dump the work on women. Because they're above it. At a very deep sub-conscious level, they don't feel that cleaning up their own house, is their job - it's "women's work". They're perfectly able to clean up their cars, they have no trouble seeing dirt there, lots of men are almost fanatically tidy and fussy about the state of their cars, but the house - no, that's for the woman to sort. They may not even be aware they assume that, it's so insidious and unconscious that they'd be outraged if you suggested they were just sexists and that's why they can't see the dirt on the floor that needs to be swept without someone else telling you to sweep it.

All the excuses about them not seeing it, not noticing the dirt, not being able to multi-task etc., is just denial, which is a survival strategy humans adopt in order to avoid facing something awful. The awful thing women who make excuses for their DP's freeloading on their time and labour are hiding from, is that they live with men who don't respect them enough to take responsibility for cleaning up their own shit, because cleaning up shit is women's work.

ListenWillYou · 25/07/2015 13:09

I hear women do this type of thing too. I don't think it's a feminist issue at all.

My DH does all the finances - I'm sure I could if I needed to but it works for us that he does it. I do almost all the house stuff, DIY, car maintainence, decorating and gardening. It's nothing to do with me being the little wife'y and everything to do with the fact he is out working or commuting to work 60 plus hours a week. He does sound a bit thick sometimes when he is asking about some household repairs etc but I'm sure I do when I'm asking about financial things. I don't see an issue.

AskBasil · 25/07/2015 13:47

No, lots of people don't see an issue because they just don't want to.

It's a feminist issue because it's mostly men doing the "I just don't see dirt (except on my car)" thing. As I said earlier in the thread, if it were gender neutral you'd get far more women doing the "I don't see dirt" and far more men doing the "I can't do DIY". The fact that it's so gendered, makes it a feminist issue.

It's also a feminist issue because if your house is a mess, on the whole people who come in to it who care about these things, will judge the woman who lives in that house rather than the man who does.

ListenWillYou · 25/07/2015 18:49

AskBasil. I think you are right in that it can 'sometimes' be a feminist issue. What's it called when women do the same thing to men? I witness my friends doing it to their DHs -