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AIBU?

Thinking DM should not pay for her niece to go on Holiday with her

89 replies

samsswampy · 21/07/2015 17:39

DM and DF want to go on holiday next year and usually go with me and DCs next year I can't go because I am going with DH instead, so DM has asked her niece and husband if they want to go. I thought they would pay half each but DM has told me she is paying for her niece because the holiday was her idea! Shouldn't niece pay for herself?

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samsswampy · 22/07/2015 09:56

Thanks Amylee that's the sort of answer that is helpful I didn't know everyone was going to have a go at me!

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samsswampy · 22/07/2015 09:59

NerrSnerr as I have said previously if I don't go on her holidays that she pays for she sulks, she cancelled Christmas just after I'd got married as I said I wanted to go with DH that year!

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Spartans · 22/07/2015 10:00

I am 33. My mother has always been very controlling. So, no, I wouldn't move in with her. Neither would I go on holiday with her. Defintley wouldn't let her pay. I would rather go without. I certainly wouldn't go if it meant leaving one child at home because they didn't get on with her.

Since mum is controlling so I don't accept money for anything from her. I also don't get upset if she spends it on someone else.

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Spartans · 22/07/2015 10:02

She cancelled Christmas?

Who for? You were married, surely she only cancelled Christmas for herself and your df. You still had Christmas in your own house with your dh?

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samsswampy · 22/07/2015 10:04

She invited us for Chrismas dinner then told us Christmas eve we couldn't come so we had to rush round buying everything

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Spartans · 22/07/2015 10:10

So again, why move in? Why organise things with her if she lets you down

I totally understand what it's like growing up with a mother who is like this. But, you are an adult and you need to take control of your own life.

As controlling as you mum sounds you are very over invested in what's she is doing. You are having a lovely mum free holiday with your kids and your dh. Focus on that. Not on what she should or shouldn't be paying for for someone else.

Personally I think you have the better side here.

Stop letting her pay for things for you and start taking back some control for your own family and your own marriage. While she is still paying for holidays she will use it against you.

Again none of it changes the fact that it's up to her what she does with her own money

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googoodolly · 22/07/2015 10:11

Why did you let them move in if they were that bad?

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NerrSnerr · 22/07/2015 10:20

If she has always been this controlling then why live with her? You need to take control of your own life.

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Mummyofonesofar · 22/07/2015 10:21

Why would you accept the holiday if she is leaving one of your DSs out? I would rather refuse, she will soon get used to it andn get over it. Then you can save for your own holidays and get your DH some proper work.

Also stop worrying about her savings - she is quids in this year paying for 3 of them rather than you 5 or 6 - however many she ends up paying for.

If your mortgage was nearly paid off then you can afford to sell the joint house and move into your own one.

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LIZS · 22/07/2015 10:22

You suggested she invite her dn instead but are now annoyed that she is paying? Maybe dn offered to pay but dm refused as she always pays for you.

Extra dc do use more utilities - they light additional rooms , use water , need washing doing, plug gadgets in etc. At least the Council tax isn't any greater.

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fearandloathinginambridge · 22/07/2015 10:44

You've had a bashing on here samsswampy but please don't let that put you off posting again.

From what you post your mum sounds like a controlling and manipulative personality. If this is the case she won't be doing anything for your benefit or the benefit of her grandchildren, it will all be about her wants and needs and she will be playing you constantly to keep you in line. For instance, showing you one minute that she has plenty of money (paying for hols etc) and then telling you the next that she is broke sounds like a mind fuck to keep you confused. It's possible that she isn't going to pay for your Aunt but is telling you that to punish you for daring to do your own thing without her.

Obviously, this is just my guess from reading your post. It might be way off but you might want to read up on manipulative/controlling personalities to see if you recognise your mother in any of the descriptions of this type.

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Sometimesjustonesecond · 22/07/2015 12:27

I feel for you OP. Your mum has changed the terms of the agreement once it was too late for you to back out.

How much money did each of you put into the new house? I ask because thats the share you should get back if you sell. In your shoes I would be getting legal advice as to how I could extricate myself from these living arrangements because it's clearly not working.

Have you considered what would happen if your parents needed to go into care homes and were expected to contribute towards costs? Are you willing/financially able to be a carer for your parents. It sounds to me like you are not. I honestly believe your best move would be to sell up and start again, even though you might not get as nice a house as the one you sold.

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merrymouse · 22/07/2015 12:36

I agree sometimes - even if you were willing to care for a parent, it sounds as though the situation is putting too much strain on the rest of the family.

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MatildaTheCat · 22/07/2015 13:13

Here's a different angle, if you dm really is so manipulative and controlling she may have invited her dn on a free holiday as a way of punishing you. She's telling you to be careful about upsetting her because she has other options.

I really suggest you break free from some of the patterns you have developed. Holidaying with your parents as well as living together is unhealthy and you say you DH and ds don't get on with her??

Detach from this and wish her a lovely holiday.