Thinking DM should not pay for her niece to go on Holiday with her

[samsswampy]

DM and DF want to go on holiday next year and usually go with me and DCs next year I can't go because I am going with DH instead, so DM has asked her niece and husband if they want to go. I thought they would pay half each but DM has told me she is paying for her niece because the holiday was her idea! Shouldn't niece pay for herself?

[fastdaytears]

Wow so it's your mum's responsibility to pay for your holidays (and to subsidise your bills), she doesn't and you're upset. You come on a board which is based around people giving their honest opinion, they do and you're upset.

[TwinkieTwinkle]

We aren't mindreaders OP. We weren't to know about any history you have with your mother. That history is also totally irrelevant to your mother spending money she has on her niece. Her niece's financial situation also has nothing to do with it .

[samsswampy]

I've never asked her to pay for holidays she's always wanted to because she knows I can't afford them, it takes me all year to save the spending money! I don't care if we don't go! She wanted to pay towards the bills. She has her own kitchen and own half of the house so pays for what she uses not what we use! I only asked if she should pay for a rich 63 year olds holiday, you all think she should so that's OK! I was just thinking of her wasting money she might need for herself! I'm glad she is having an holiday I didn't want her to miss out because I wasn't going I just wanted to make sure her niece wasn't taking advantage of her!

[titchy]

Well more fool you for dancing to her tune then. But don't blame their niece for your inability to separate yourself from your parents.

[drudgetrudy]

It may have been down to your Mum that you didn't have many friends when you were younger but you have been a grown-up for a long time now! As long as she is clear in her mind it is up to her how she spends her money.
Its nice that she treats you at holiday times too.

You can still change things you know and make new friendships.

[TwinkieTwinkle]

I'm sorry but what you are now saying doesn't tally with your previous posts. You say that your mum likes to pay for you to go on holiday and you couldn't afford to go otherwise. So why don't you worry about the impact on her savings when she is paying for you and your four kids? You also said you go because she likes you to, you clearly tried to have a bit of influence and pushed for Eurodisney, she said no. Now you are suddenly worried about her spending money on her Niece? One person instead of five? Nah, I don't buy it.

[Glitoris]

TwinkieTwinkie,totally agree with you.

[Boardingblues]

Out of interest did the OPs DH go on an all night bender and spend £2K…. or is it just a silly night?

[Anon4Now2015]

When we moved in together which was DMs idea she said we would pay half each for all bills, even though I had 4 DC after a couple of years she said she should only pay 1/4 as there's only 2 of them!

So she underestimated how much half the bills for a household of 8 would be. Irritating, yes. But doesn't necessarily mean she's impoverished. When she said this you had a choice - either stay and accept those terms or both of you find different living arrangements. You chose to stay.

She's always paid for holidays just her, me and 3 DC because she's always had savings and we haven't, D H is out of work a lot!

So this isn't an issue about you being worried about her finances, if it was you would turn down her offers to pa for your holidays. It's simply that you don't like her paying for her niece instead.

Next year I wanted to go eurodisney for DDs birthday but DM said she wouldn't like that, her holidays are sitting on the beach all day and DC are fed up with that

If she's paying for the holiday then of course she gets to choose where you go. If you want to go somewhere different you need to pay for it.

Honestly OP the first post just made you sound unreasonable and with a bit of a chip on your shoulder about your DM spending her money on other people. After all the drip feeds you actually sound manipulative. It now sounds as though you have declined going on holiday with her this year as you want to go to Eurodisney and you were hoping that if you declined she would agree to that being the holiday instead and pay for it. Instead she has called your bluff and asked someone else to holiday with her.

Either way, your DM is clearly someone who likes company on holiday and is prepared to pay for family/friends to come with her to make sure she gets that. She gave you first refusal (which she isn't obliged to) and when you declined she made the same offer to someone else.

[Anon4Now2015]

my children don't use a lot of electricity or gas, youngest is only 8

Really? Your children don't eat food that's been kept in a fridge and cooked in an oven? They don't feel the warmth of heating when it's cold? They don't take baths or showers? They don't have lights on? They don't have their clothes washed or dried or ironed? They don't have floors that have been vacuumed? In many ways children cost more in terms of gas and electricity than adults do.

[merrymouse]

I think there is more to this than you have posted.

If you all live together but your mum and DH don't go on holiday together because they don't get on, the set up sounds as though it isn't working and must be quite stressful.

It sounds as though you need more independence from your mum, but practically, that is probably easier said than done. Sorry I don't have more practical advice!

[googoodolly]

Your mum can use her money on whatever she wants, and if she wants to take her niece on holiday for some peace of her mind, then good for her. And if she wants to spend her money on a relaxing beach holiday (which, in her 80's, sounds perfectly reasonable to me!) then that's her choice! It sounds like you have the huff that she doesn't want to pay for you all to go to EuroDisney. She's in her eighties - that's probably her worst nightmare!

Also, why should your mum pay for half your bills at home? Yes, she lives there, and her and your DF are two people, you and DH plus kids are six! Of course you use more gas/electric - more food to cook and store, more rooms to use, more showers, more baths, more toilet flushes, more lights on...saying your youngest doesn't use much gas because he's only 8 is a bit naive, tbh.

[Scoobydoo8]

Stop making the OP the baddy.

Guilting your DD into living with you to prove you will never be put into a nursing home is dirty tricks.

Your DM sounds manipulative and you are mad to move in with her and need to get a back bone.

She thinks she is putting on the cousin to ask her to come on holiday but has a totally different attitude to you, OP - to you she is doing a favour.

This does not bode well in the long run.

Perhaps the 80 year olds have the thermostat set at 25 24/7 - who knows? But you are dependent on DMs good will so have to suck it up.

[FenellaFellorick]

There's really no need to be dramatic. People are responding to what you wrote and how you wrote it. You have two choices really. You can decide we're a bunch of mean meaniepants who are just trying to be mean and just don't get how hard life is for you - or you can say hmm, perhaps I could take a step back and really think about how I came across and about my attitude about my mum and her money. I wonder if this is the best way for me to be, really. Am I happy with this.

It's clear that for whatever reason, you aren't hearing what people are actually saying. You have inserted your own text and your own meaning in place of the actual words typed by people onto this thread.

It's not a question of SHOULD.

We have mostly just tried to get through to you that she can if she wants to, it is her money and her choice and you don't get a say

I am unsure why you have chosen to interpret that as people saying that she 'should' pay, as in is somehow obligated to.

[CeliaLytton]

'DD, would you and DC like to come on holiday with me? I'll pay.'
'No thanks mum, we're going somewhere else this year'
'Ok'

'DN, would you like to come on holiday with me? I'll pay.'
'Yes please'

Your mum has not lost out on any money, she has actually saved some by not paying for your DC and she gets company on a holiday. It's not that due should pay for her DN, it's that she wants to and it's very possible if DN had chosen a holiday, she wouldn't have chosen to spend money on the one that your DM wants.

Your post whining that she won't pay for you all to go to Eurodisney is what may have got people's backs up.

YABU.

[Scoobydoo8]

The prob is that she is pleading poverty to you - guilt tripping perhaps??

If you are being made to feel that your family is a burden to her because you share the bills when in fact SHE wanted this arrangement of you living with her then she is not the ideal housemate.

This is more the problem than this one of payment for your cousin.

I would have needed a gun to my head to move in with my aging DPs.

[Spartans]

OP none of what you have said is relevant. If you have issues with your mum and how she brought you up. This is the perfect chance to make a break from her. By not allowing her to finance your holidays.

Your parents should be paying less because there are 6 of you and 2 over them. I presume the kids still eat, bath, use electric etc.

However as I said it's not relevant. She pays for your holidays every year. But she doesn't want to go on the holiday you want to. Which is fair enough. She shouldn't have to go on a holiday she doesn't want to AND pay for it.

Wether the niece can afford to pay for herself or not, is not business. Your parents have offered and that's up to them entirely. Since they pay for you and 4 kids every year, paying for one other adult probably feels like nothing to them. They are still saving a lot of money.

You do sound very immature. You aren't going away with her, so it's doesn't matter what she chooses to do. If you want friends go make them. She may have influenced you not to have them but you are an adult. Make your own decisions.

I also suspect that she didn't move in just so you wouldn't put her in a home. Did your parents moving in enable you to buy a larger house for your family? Either by selling their own property and putting it in or just contributing to the mortgage.

You are getting a lot out of this deal. It's not just for your mothers benefit.

[Spartans]

scooby if the parents are pleading poverty, why does the op let them pay for a holiday for 5 of them every year?

[samsswampy]

Thank-you for support Scooby! I just wanted to clarify I had plenty of room in old house for me and children, the mortgage was nearly paid off so now we would have been debt free, DM knew I had 4 DC but she said they would not make any difference to bills! I would still need to cook and wash the same for 2 or 6 so the electricity would not be much different! We have no shower so DS arent always in it! 1 DS does not go on the holidays DM does not get on with him either! DH had some money left from his DM that's paying for Disney! Until we all moved in together DM and DH got on! DM is manipulative if I don't agree with her she cries and sulks, which is why DH doesn't get on with her! Parents only claim poverty with bills but miraculously find money for holidays! Yes I am probably a childish 46 year old so thanks for letting me know! Finally be honest how many of you would want to live with parents at my age?

[merrymouse]

Would it be possible for you to stop living together? This seems to be the root of the problem?

[samsswampy]

Just one more thing I didn't expect her to pay for us to go Disney! When I told her we were going she started crying saying I was stopping her having a holiday because my DDs birthday is the one week in the whole year she wanted to go with us! I suggested she asked her niece!!

[Scoobydoo8]

Can you move out?

This set up would drive me nuts.

And although 80 DPs could live def another 10 years possibly 20. If things are bad now .............

(I was guilted into lots of stuff by my DM in her latter years and it spoilt what had been a good relationship - and I mostly only saw her twice a week!!)

[samsswampy]

Merry mouse we wish we could but if we sold the house and had half each after the mortgage was paid neither of us would have enough for anything else

[NerrSnerr]

I am 32 years old and would hate to live with my parents but they are never going to move in with me so it's not a problem.

You are 46 years old? You know you could save up and pay for your own holidays?

[TheRealAmyLee]

It is pretty common for the "host/inviter" to pay for holidays like this. The past form is that she wants you to go with her, she pays. She is just continuing this. It is likely about what she feels comfy with not about they money. If she pays she dictates the location etc. You will likely find she won't allow her DN to pay but DN pays for meals/trips etc whilst there. Don't stress about it. Enjoy the break whilst she is away and let this one go.