how would you deal with this fil issue?

[flanjabelle]

Fil Loves dd to pieces, which is great and I know she is lucky to have a doting grandfather. However, he is doing something that makes me feel really uncomfortable. He has always Been very over the top with her, too excited and in her face when she was a tiny baby (examples: repeatedly shouting her name in her face, clapping loudly at her, constantly trying to get her to look at him, not letting any of the other family members hold 'his' baby etc etc). Its got much better as she got older as that level of excitement comes into its own with a toddler I think. Dd now quite enjoys time with him as he plays with her constantly. When she was younger dp and I did have to tell him to calm it down quite a lot as she would become upset and he didn't seem to understand that he was the cause.

There is just the issue of kisses. I just posted this on another thread and realised how much it is bugging me and could do with some advice.

Fil insists on kisses when we arrive and when we leave, whether dd wants them or not. he will not allow her to refuse one and will grab her and kiss her repeatedly on the lips. It makes dd really uncomfortable and she very obviously doesn't like it As she tries to get away and says no. He ignores her response and does it anyway, every time.

He also often will offer her something, such as food, but will only give it to her when she gives him a kiss and repeatedly says please. I don't like this at all, something about it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Its like she has to kiss him and beg before she is allowed the thing he just offered to her. Horrible.

He loves her, and means well, and I don't want to hurt his feelings but it needs to stop. How would you go about this diplomatically? I want dd to know that she has autonomy over her own body, and this is giving the opposite message.

Any help is much appreciated. Thank you.

Oh great, and now they're slagging you off to family...

Honestly, they sound hideous.

Yes, but they also sing my praises to family too. So confusing.

That'll be to make themselves sound wonderful, OP. Be very careful of these people.

Sounds awful to me. Big red flags everywhere .

Very bullying . Controlling people by getting upset. Forcing physical
Contact on dd.

Even the stuff you cite as nice sounds dodgy in the context of the rest.

Begging for presents is so uurgh I can't put it into words.

I would be really worried about him tbh. I would always ask your dm to babysit if you are away overnight and would never leave in laws alone with her.

I had this with my Dd's when they were little. What worked for me was that I invented a fictional topic that the children were learning about at nursery/playgroup/signing group whatever, that was about body autonomy. I'd explain that these days children are taught from a very young age that it's important to only do what they feel comfortable with when it comes to their bodies. That it had been explained that the older generation might find this a bit rude but actually it was the easiest way of protecting chi,dren that are too young to deal with the concept of stranger danger or paedophiles. My FIL who was very old fashioned and thick skinned did get that as a concept, if you point out that she must say no in order to protect her from future danger its quite hard for him to override you. FIL did often forgot, but we'd just say 'No, she doesn't have to' and he'd agree and say oh silly me.

I had a grandad that insisted everyone kiss him on the lips. My mum had to put a stop to it and she did it subtly by saying in her culture we kiss on the cheek. But maybe should have been more blunt.

I do remember once when I was 16 ish being told not to wear certain things around him (normal teenage short skirts, knee socks etc) as they would be "too much for grandad". That sounds so weird now I type it!

Nothing bad ever happened with him anyway, in terms of sequel abuse, not to anyone AFAIK.

But he did used to beat his kids especially his eldest (not my df, my uncle) so was clearly not very nice!

Line I think you are right.

Please dont worry people, I am well aware that in many many ways these people are not right. My dd is absolutely everything to me, the most precious thing in the world. I have seen the damage done to dp (he has had a lot of therapy and has come out the other side, but has had a lot of problems) and I won't allow the same thing to happen to dd.

They will never have her alone. Dp and I have 100% agreed this from the second we knew dd was going to exist. He is willing to form a huge rift over it if necessary. He is a lot stronger than he used to be. he used to desperately need their approval, but he doesn't anymore. He and I will put dd first as we have for the last 21months.

my parents are lovely, normal people who treat dd with nothing but respect. They are fantastic with her, she is 100% safe with them so we never need to worry. It's just best for everyone if they look after her if we need childcare.

We had similar with my father and DD. Insisting on goodnight kisses and cuddles, even when she clearly didn't want them. Being inappropriately scary and stern. I pounced on each episode and was quite blunt about it. Fortunately he does listen and stop. He sulks and gets stroppy, but he does listen. I think he does this kind of things less as DD has got older and has become more able to articulate her dislikes.
You have my sympathies. Your DC should absolutely not have to put up with this. 'Love' is often proffered as an excuse for bad behaviour. But it is actually no excuse at all.

OP, well done to your DP for getting to the point where he can put his foot down with his parents. I had similar issues with mine re guilt and obligation and I've been in therapy for several years trying to separate from them. Its working but its the most painful thing ever.

You're absolutely right to not allow these people to ever have unsupervised contact with your DD. Some people you can trust with your kids, some you can't and whether they are blood relations or not has nothing at all to do with it.

It's so good to hear that your DH is 100% on your side and willing to tell them no and stick to it. So many posts about ILs on here and nearly every time it's the DH/P that isn't willing to stand up to his own parents or would rather side with them than his own wife.

They sound hideous. I wouldn't have thought a close relationship between your DD and these people is really beneficial tbh. But then I don't buy into the whole 'dcs have to have a relationship with GPs' anyway.

newsreaderchhic great tactic (writing it down emoticon).

Newsreaderchic that tactic reminds me of something (perhaps more commonly said by the older generation) that we are being encouraged not to say any more: 'I'll set the policemen on you!' - the police have pointed out that making children afraid to approach the police who are the very people that can help them, is a very Bad Idea.

When you stop and think about it, the very idea of making children so worried they won't approach a policeman is foolish, and yet I'm sure many of us have used it as a joking throwaway threat!