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AIBU?

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Original poster

I can't get married can I?

197 replies

HopefulHatter · 19/07/2015 23:58

My fiancé and I have planned a whirlwind wedding for December. We've been talking about it for ages and I've been so excited for it. The deposits have been paid and it's just starting to all come together.

BUT

Tonight I feel like I've been hit by reality.

My fiancés mum turned up at our house having driven from her's (obviously drunk) because she has had a drunken row with her raging drunk husband (fiancés Dad) this is a regular occurance for them. Loud screaming matches etc. She is now sleeping in the spare room after getting more drunk with my fiancé. She usually goes to SIL's house but she didn't want her there tonight.

I feel like I've just been granted a glimpse in to my future. Fiancé has caused lots of problems with his problem drinking over the last six years. He isn't violent but he needs beer to relax, when he's happy, when he's sad, when the sky is blue (you get the picture) he can be verbally aggressive. He generally starts droning on about something you can't even make sense of or repeating himself and then getting arsey when you aren't listening. And he can never stop at a couple. Never. Once he's had one he will drink everything he can that's in the house, even my cooking wine at times. Then if he can he will usually find an excuse to go to the shop to buy more.

Over the years even though he has said lots about how he will change things only get better for a couple of weeks then we are right back to square one. Plus he says he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't drink in the mornings or every single day (he would and does when he isn't at work)

A couple of incidents have nearly made me leave. Once he got so drunk he started accusing me of having an affair and yelling that an empty beer can was proof (it was his) And the worst was when our daughter was born via csection. The day after we came home he got plastered, started swearing then passed out on the sofa. I had to carry my daughter upstairs to bed and pulled a stitch out of my Csection. One Christmas he accused me of offering his sisters partner a blowjob, that was when I was 6 months pregnant.

I feel like I've been sucker punched tonight. I've been deluding myself thinking that things will sort themselves out and they wont will they? I have a two year old daughter and I feel like I'm failing her. She's too young to notice now I hope but what about when she does start to see him drunk. I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's normal to drink like that.

I'd managed to push all my doubts aside but now my gut is really telling me I shouldn't.

Or am I overreacting? I know fiancé and probably his family will say I am. My family have remained very quiet about the wedding. Fiancé has embarrassed me a few times with his slurring and drinking at family do's before so I can kind of guess what they are thinking.

I feel torn between the life I want and the life I'm actually (will actually) live. I love him so much when he is sober.

Fuck

OP posts:
kali110 · 20/07/2015 09:36

Op im so sorry you are going through this.
I think you are doing the right thing.
I was a binge drinker. Its hard to admit it. I always promised i would change i always wanted to!
I was ashamed the next day but i always felt like i couldn't have just one.
Im lucky in that my dp now was always able to look after me and control me and never wanted to leave me because of it.
Only reason i stopped is because im on medication.
I can still drink on it, but it makes everything worse.
That was my turning point i didn't want to keep being like that.
If i wasn't on medication though i doubt i would have realised i needed to change.

If he hasn't done it now for you and his kids when will he?
I say this, if id had kids then i would not have needed anything to stop me.
I hope everything is going as fine as it can be. X

Sometimesjustonesecond · 20/07/2015 09:41

Whose name is the house in?
If you think he's going to be difficult then tell him this is temporary, so you can get him out of the house (if it is in joint names rather than yours). Once he's moved out, he gives up some rights, because legally you are entitled to privacy so he cant just wander in and out at will.
I would get my share of money from any joint accounts and get my name taken off them (in case he runs up overdrafts) before talking to him.
If he is second card holder on your credit card, then get him removed asap. Important to do the financial stuff and protect yourself.
Once he goes, change the locks unless you are certain of getting all keys back.

I would be inclined to let him see dd but wouldnt trust him to have her on his own. You cant be sure his mum wouldnt drive her when drunk and he will be to far gone to know or care.

LineRunner · 20/07/2015 09:42

I agree with Dynomite that he will likely be crap with contact.

My DP's ExW has an alcohol problem. Their DCs all live with him. She says she has stopped drinking but I find this hard to believe as in the two years I have known him she has not once arranged to see their youngest child. She is obviously prioritising something that is very attractive to her over seeing her DC.

Also be prepared for the projection. The alcoholic will accuse the other parent of drinking, of being controlling, of being abusive. It is desperately sad but alcoholics just cannot function reliably as parents, I think.

Good luck.Flowers

echidna1 · 20/07/2015 09:43

WELL DONE!! XXXX

Lweji · 20/07/2015 09:47

Wishing you good luck for today.
I hope you can do it before he starts drinking.
And consider if you'll be safe if he starts drinking after you tell him.
It might be wise, as a pp suggested, not to sound too final and tell him it's postponed and that you are giving him a chance to show (safely away from you) that he can change.
At least if he's able to do it, it will benefit him.

paxtecum · 20/07/2015 09:52

Op; if he says he will give up drinking, then he can, but not whilst living with you.

Stay strong.

CrapBag · 20/07/2015 09:57

Good luck OP. You are doing the right thing to protect your DD and yourself from an awful life.

Holidaysardonic · 20/07/2015 10:00

I think the court can order a hair strand test if one party accuses the other of drinking. That would be fairly damning in his case.

TwosaCrowd · 20/07/2015 10:10

Good luck for today OP

Lweji · 20/07/2015 10:12

Hair strand tests are not very good for alcohol.www.communitycare.co.uk/2011/03/18/hair-strand-testing-to-detect-parental-substance-misuse/
and if he has short hair it would only go back a very short time.

crapfatbanana · 20/07/2015 10:22

Good for you, OP and good luck. You are having a lucky escape.

My aunt was a raging alcoholic for years, and my lovely cousin had a horrid life. She ended up on heroin, had her son removed by Social Services and eventually had to have her leg amputated and then died from her drug addiction. My aunt drank herself to death from guilt and grief. All extremely sad. Don't let your child live surrounded by alcoholics.

Your family will be relieved if you leave this man, I'm sure.

Sallyingforth · 20/07/2015 10:22

Congratulations OP. You have saved yourself years of unhappiness.
Alcohol destroys lived.

julesldn · 20/07/2015 10:23

Hope you're doing O.K this morning hopefulhatter, and that the talk went as well as could be hoped/expected.

Thinking of you! X

minibmw2010 · 20/07/2015 10:37

Good luck Hatter, I have huge sympathies for you but I think you're doing the absolute right thing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/07/2015 10:52

Hatter - you're amazing, well done for already starting the process. I'm quite sure your DP will promise you the world in changes if only you'll stay - but IF you stay he'll have absolutely zero incentive to follow through, even if he thinks he wants to.

Leaving is the only way. Cancelling the wedding is the first step, now you have to plan to separate.

Good luck with the talk and stay strong Thanks

Original poster
HopefulHatter · 20/07/2015 10:57

Well it's done.

He called the aa and has sworn never to drink another drop.

I told him good for him and to give me a call when he's gone two years without a drink. The tears did not work this time.

He's gone now. Luckily my dd us two so I think she will get over it quickly.

I feel numb but strangely hopeful as I know things can only get better.

Re: the hair. He has long hair and I'm fairly sure it's pickled.

It has been very emotionally exhausting. I think I'll eat some chocolate and lie down in a dark room before I have to get dd!

OP posts:
Original poster
HopefulHatter · 20/07/2015 10:58

Oh and the house is completely in my name luckily. I lucked out on finding a cheap one when I was younger and my parents lent me the deposit. So at least I don't have to worry about me and dd looking for a home.

Separating the finances will be the hardest I think

OP posts:
WoonerismSpit · 20/07/2015 11:00

Well done, you are so strong x

honeyroar · 20/07/2015 11:04

You've done everything perfectly. Well done, go get your chocolate!

You never know, he may well do the AA and show you that he's changed in the future. If he does then you can replan a wedding without the stress and worry. In the meantime live your life for you and DD. I had a cancelled wedding years ago. I bought my horse with what I'd saved for the wedding. I've still got her a decade on while the bloke is long gone!

WienerDiva · 20/07/2015 11:08

Well done, you have done a good thing for all three of you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/07/2015 11:09

Oh that's fab re the house, excellent! And so so good that you told him what you did - now it's entirely up to him, whether he follows through with the AA and cleans up his act, or not.

I hope he does. I hope he plans to see his DD and you regularly, and that you make sure that every single time he is fully sober. THe breathalyser mentioned upthread is a good idea, but only if he will agree to it - but no unsupervised contact for a looong time yet, if ever (again, depending on how he does with AA)

Now all you have to do is keep staying strong. ((((hugs))))

hhhhhhh · 20/07/2015 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmyLee · 20/07/2015 11:12

You did the right thing. There's no reason things couldn't work in the future IF he is sober. Best of luck for the future Flowers

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 20/07/2015 11:14

well done, give yourself a huge hug.

Purplepoodle · 20/07/2015 11:16

If you have a current account. Freeze it now