Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't get married can I?

197 replies

HopefulHatter · 19/07/2015 23:58

My fiancé and I have planned a whirlwind wedding for December. We've been talking about it for ages and I've been so excited for it. The deposits have been paid and it's just starting to all come together.

BUT

Tonight I feel like I've been hit by reality.

My fiancés mum turned up at our house having driven from her's (obviously drunk) because she has had a drunken row with her raging drunk husband (fiancés Dad) this is a regular occurance for them. Loud screaming matches etc. She is now sleeping in the spare room after getting more drunk with my fiancé. She usually goes to SIL's house but she didn't want her there tonight.

I feel like I've just been granted a glimpse in to my future. Fiancé has caused lots of problems with his problem drinking over the last six years. He isn't violent but he needs beer to relax, when he's happy, when he's sad, when the sky is blue (you get the picture) he can be verbally aggressive. He generally starts droning on about something you can't even make sense of or repeating himself and then getting arsey when you aren't listening. And he can never stop at a couple. Never. Once he's had one he will drink everything he can that's in the house, even my cooking wine at times. Then if he can he will usually find an excuse to go to the shop to buy more.

Over the years even though he has said lots about how he will change things only get better for a couple of weeks then we are right back to square one. Plus he says he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't drink in the mornings or every single day (he would and does when he isn't at work)

A couple of incidents have nearly made me leave. Once he got so drunk he started accusing me of having an affair and yelling that an empty beer can was proof (it was his) And the worst was when our daughter was born via csection. The day after we came home he got plastered, started swearing then passed out on the sofa. I had to carry my daughter upstairs to bed and pulled a stitch out of my Csection. One Christmas he accused me of offering his sisters partner a blowjob, that was when I was 6 months pregnant.

I feel like I've been sucker punched tonight. I've been deluding myself thinking that things will sort themselves out and they wont will they? I have a two year old daughter and I feel like I'm failing her. She's too young to notice now I hope but what about when she does start to see him drunk. I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's normal to drink like that.

I'd managed to push all my doubts aside but now my gut is really telling me I shouldn't.

Or am I overreacting? I know fiancé and probably his family will say I am. My family have remained very quiet about the wedding. Fiancé has embarrassed me a few times with his slurring and drinking at family do's before so I can kind of guess what they are thinking.

I feel torn between the life I want and the life I'm actually (will actually) live. I love him so much when he is sober.

Fuck

OP posts:
CalmYourselfTubbs · 20/07/2015 00:18

oh forgot to say - my ex was like yours.
he would promise to change and it would last only a couple of days.
then back on the sauce yet again for his nightly skinfull.

Original poster
HopefulHatter · 20/07/2015 00:18

Thank you all by the way.

It's been what I needed to hear.

The answer to the question 'What would I tell my daughter' has really strengthened my resolve.

I would tell her to run like the fucking wind and never look back.

OP posts:
CalmYourselfTubbs · 20/07/2015 00:20

no - do not think he'll change.
he won't.
he's an alcoholic.
throw your money, time, youth, sex, looks, help, life, whatever at him. he'll drink it all.
all that matters to him is alcohol. never forget that.

Original poster
HopefulHatter · 20/07/2015 00:22

Yes it's been a recurring theme in the websites I've been looking at tonight. Sleeps out of the question (why do people sound like mating elephants when they are plastered and sleep on their back?)

Seems like fantasising about him choosing me before beer is an extreme exercise in wishful thinking.

After six years wishful thinking I'm done with it.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2015 00:23

It's a damn sight easier and cheaper to call off a wedding and lose a few deposits and payments than it is to try and divorce an alcoholic

CalmYourselfTubbs · 20/07/2015 00:28

if you won't finish it for yourself please do it for your daughter.
poor little mite - with the threat of a drunken dad hanging over her at home Sad.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2015 00:28

I know this because I have spent the last 4 years and almost 60k trying to do just that,oh and 25k of that was for protection orders because the man who was just a drunk and would never hurt me got drunk one day,cut the phone lines tried to set fire to the house with me inside and when I escaped from the house he picked me up and threw me into the road in an attempt to get me run over.

He didn't even remember it the next day and still thinks I made it up because he wouldn't do that,this is despite the 13 witness statements,photo evidence ect.

TheRealAmyLee · 20/07/2015 00:32

You know this one already. Leave. Leave now. You can do this. Flowers

HopefulHamster · 20/07/2015 00:33

As everyone's said, it's a million times easier to leave now than later. Don't feel bad, it would be doing the best possible thing for your child.

Original poster
HopefulHatter · 20/07/2015 00:34

That is awful Needs! I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I could be an idiot and say I don't think fiancé would do that. But then I didn't think he would do any of the other stuff he has done when drunk.

It's like him and his parents never grew up where drinking is concerned. I feel sorry for him that he had to grow up like that but not sorry enough for him to make my daughter grow up like that.

I'm just so worried that in the daylight it will seem like I'm being stupid.

I can feel it in my gut that this isn't right.

OP posts:
Diamondsmiles · 20/07/2015 00:35

What an awful situation. But no you can't marry him. At least you had this revelation before the wedding.

Namechangenell · 20/07/2015 00:36

He's an alcoholic. That tells you all you need to know. Alcohol will always come first for him. Protect yourself and your daughter. She does not need an alcoholic for a father.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 20/07/2015 00:37

don't be the weak mum who lets a drunken dad ruin a child's life.
you need to ditch this guy because he will destroy you and your DD's life.
have you thought about the example you're setting DD?
aren't you worried she'll make the same mistake in her future and hook up with some drunk because you set that example?

its either him or DD.
whose welfare is more important?

Binkleflip · 20/07/2015 00:43

RUN

Original poster
HopefulHatter · 20/07/2015 00:44

I know DD's welfare is much more important.

It's just been easy up until this point to pretend that as she is in bed before he gets drunk usually that she won't be affected. And he is a wonderful Dad (again with that add on 'when he is sober')

I know this won't be the case at all and it will hugely affect her and her future. But I'd managed to convince myself so thoroughly that everything would work out that tonight has really shocked me back awake.

I suppose I should thank fiancés mum in the morning for the wake up call.

He just woke up and mumbled something about his mum and how he doesn't need he he needs a real woman like me.

I told him he was creepy and his breath stank. I e learned you can pretty much say anything, they never remember in the morning. (Fiancés mum used to stay with us a lot and drink before I put my ineffective foot down)

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 20/07/2015 00:47

My mum called her wedding off 6 weeks before the day for similar reasons. Everything was paid for - everything. But it was better to dodge that alcoholic bullet than spend a miserable life with him. Luckily there were no kids (I came along later to someone else!) but in your case there's even more imperative to get away. Trust your gut.

noddingoff · 20/07/2015 00:52

When I started reading your first post and got to the bit about the drunk future in laws, I thought hmm really really not ideal, but possibly do-able. Then I got to the bit about him. You are right. You cannot marry him. It's a pity about his alcoholism, when he's otherwise nice; but you're basically on the Titanic after it has hit the iceberg. This beautiful ship is going to sink and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Don't let yourself and your daughter be on that ship when it sinks. Get on a liferaft and get out now.

Don't worry about the wedding plans. Rory McIlroy called it off after the invitations had been sent, and Caroline Wozniacki wasn't a volatile alcoholic from a family of alcoholics, and everyone has pretty much forgotten about it now anyway. Everyone is going to think, "thank goodness she's come to her senses" rather than "we'd done the colour scheme and everything, how rude, could she not just have soldiered on through a few decades of misery rather than cancel".

minkGrundy · 20/07/2015 00:57

Ot is good that you realised that the relationship you wishyou had or feel you should have with him is not the same as the rationship you do have.

Well done OP for seeing it now. It's not too late. (It never is but sooner is better)
Some day he may recover. You are not obliged to put your life on hold until he does.

You only get one life. Don't spend it married to the wrong man for the wrong reasons.

echidna1 · 20/07/2015 01:17

Please please please don't go through with it.

I was you in 2002.

I have been divorced since 2009 with an 11yr old DD and not a penny in maintenance.

Thank God I got out when I did. He has moved back in with his parents and is still actively drinking.

Al-Anon might help you to clear your head. 0207 403 0888. Al-Anon is for anyone who is affected by someone else's drinking (AA is for the Alcoholic).

AntiHop · 20/07/2015 01:23

It's heart breaking to see a man who could be a good father and partner ruined by alcohol.

My dad is a alcoholic. I wish my mum had left him when I was a baby.

stairbears · 20/07/2015 01:27

My mum stayed with my alcoholic dad for the sake of me and my sister. We grew up being told black was white, putting up with his moods & hangovers, and witnessing unspeakable things... Run.

RoboticSealpup · 20/07/2015 01:34

Please do the right thing. It's hard, and he will try to manipulate you, but you are standing at a crossroads where one path leads to a future of heartache, constant disappointment, and a little girl growing up in fear of her father. Have the strength to do what your child needs you to do! She deserves better and so do you.

Topseyt · 20/07/2015 01:36

Alcoholics like him almost never change. My BIL is one. Over the years it has cost him many friends, jobs, his marriage (was abusive to his wife), access to their DD, and now any realistic chance of further relationships with his brother (my DH) and sister.

Your gut instinct is correct. Don't marry this man. Take your DD and run.

wigglylines · 20/07/2015 01:48

I wasted 15 years of my life with drunks. (Not one but two I repeated the mistake sadly).

Please don't do it.

It took me nearly that long to realise that the "real" them is all of them, not just the good bits.

You can't blame his behaviour on the drink, because no doubt you have told him how he behaves, and - crucially - he is sober when he has the first drink.

Dawndonnaagain · 20/07/2015 01:50

My fiancés mum turned up at our house having driven from her's (obviously drunk)
Which one will be driving your dd around when drunk?
You're doing the right thing, for both of you, not easy.
Good Luck, stay strong. Flowers