I can't get married can I?

[HopefulHatter]

My fiancé and I have planned a whirlwind wedding for December. We've been talking about it for ages and I've been so excited for it. The deposits have been paid and it's just starting to all come together.

BUT

Tonight I feel like I've been hit by reality.

My fiancés mum turned up at our house having driven from her's (obviously drunk) because she has had a drunken row with her raging drunk husband (fiancés Dad) this is a regular occurance for them. Loud screaming matches etc. She is now sleeping in the spare room after getting more drunk with my fiancé. She usually goes to SIL's house but she didn't want her there tonight.

I feel like I've just been granted a glimpse in to my future. Fiancé has caused lots of problems with his problem drinking over the last six years. He isn't violent but he needs beer to relax, when he's happy, when he's sad, when the sky is blue (you get the picture) he can be verbally aggressive. He generally starts droning on about something you can't even make sense of or repeating himself and then getting arsey when you aren't listening. And he can never stop at a couple. Never. Once he's had one he will drink everything he can that's in the house, even my cooking wine at times. Then if he can he will usually find an excuse to go to the shop to buy more.

Over the years even though he has said lots about how he will change things only get better for a couple of weeks then we are right back to square one. Plus he says he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't drink in the mornings or every single day (he would and does when he isn't at work)

A couple of incidents have nearly made me leave. Once he got so drunk he started accusing me of having an affair and yelling that an empty beer can was proof (it was his) And the worst was when our daughter was born via csection. The day after we came home he got plastered, started swearing then passed out on the sofa. I had to carry my daughter upstairs to bed and pulled a stitch out of my Csection. One Christmas he accused me of offering his sisters partner a blowjob, that was when I was 6 months pregnant.

I feel like I've been sucker punched tonight. I've been deluding myself thinking that things will sort themselves out and they wont will they? I have a two year old daughter and I feel like I'm failing her. She's too young to notice now I hope but what about when she does start to see him drunk. I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's normal to drink like that.

I'd managed to push all my doubts aside but now my gut is really telling me I shouldn't.

Or am I overreacting? I know fiancé and probably his family will say I am. My family have remained very quiet about the wedding. Fiancé has embarrassed me a few times with his slurring and drinking at family do's before so I can kind of guess what they are thinking.

I feel torn between the life I want and the life I'm actually (will actually) live. I love him so much when he is sober.

Fuck

I agree with the pp about speaking to your family - from what you've said I'm guessing they're already aware of his problem and will be quick to help and support you.

Just about to take dd nursery.

I have no evidence of his drinking really, I filmed it a couple of times to show him in the morning but those were always deleted.

There have been messages between us about it, I guess I could use those?

I feel sick.

I'm glad that you aren't marrying him. Be prepared for him (and his family) to give you a hard time - as it was his mum coming over that was the catalyst for you realising that it won't work, are you going to mention it? They're going to hate hearing that they're a family of drunks (especially as they are).

Might be worth moving this to relationships.

i watched my dad puke all over the place and piss and shit himself because he was too pissed to do anything else. my mother was also abusive (not an alcoholic) so i moved in with my dad, i was 13. the lesser of two evils for me more than anything. My dad was passed out pissed in the next room while a family member raped me, he was too pissed to walk nevermind protect me! 2 months after that, police involved etc. My dad went to walk out the door at 11am. I asked where he was going he told me he was going to the pub. I told him if he walked out that door he'd never see me again and he wouldnt be my dad anymore. his only reply was "ill be back later" we didnt speak after that, i got a train to my mums house and didnt go back, although i saw him outside the court room when i went to give evidence against family member I refused to speak to him and demanded court security keep him away from me. I know with rape involved it changes the situation but it goes to show no matter the circumstances, no matter how much you or dd need him alcohol will ALWAYS come first, and if you let him near her while drunk she will be torn to shreds as i was so please dont let him destroy her, you're the one with control you have the option to grab dd and walk out the door (or kick him out, whatevs) but dont marry him and for the love of god dont stay!!!

If they we're drinking heavily last night, can you take photos of the bottles/cans?

Wishing you lots of strength. It's not an easy decision, but it's the right one. Sounds like your family are behind you, perhaps talk to them before you tell him so that you at least know what your options are? If he's still drunk and you're telling him that you're splitting up, what do you do if he becomes abusive? Where do you go? Should you pack a bag for you and DD first, just in case?

Messages may work. And you could have a proper talk about it now.
Would he agree to see a doctor about his drinking?

He will promise to change, but he won't. If he really wants to beat his alcoholism, he can do it on his own and come back to see if you're still interested when he's been sober for a few years.

Don't put yourself or your child through this.

I think you're brilliant op. You are thinking of your dd's needs and acting appropriately. Some people can change after a short sharp shock to the system. My DH was a nightmare if he had too much to drink and I left him with our dd in the middle of the night. He wasn't physical at all but made an arse out of himself and was really rude to me. He knew I meant it because it was going to be his drinking or a thousand wild horses that would make me go to my controlling dm's house.

Since then he has changed (7 months ago). I was always trying to have a word with him about it etc but it was acting upon it that really shook him. It may not change your dp but it is right for you and your dd.

I've been there too, married for 16 years, they don't change it just gets worse and it gets harder to leave.

Please be strong and make the break x

I'm telling him when I get home and Dd will be at nursery. So hopefully everything will go, well not too awfully.

I've stopped off at my mums on the way home. She said she thought I was just trying to force my doubts away by marrying quickly and that the whole family was worried about his drinking when she told them about the wedding.

I've called the vicar, explained and cancelled the wedding. Emailed the dj and the venue and decided instead of losing the deposit for the honeymoon I will take dd instead.
I think the hardest bit is still to come. He said something about changing this morning and I just ignored him (didn't want to do anything while dd was there) so I know what's coming and I'm trying to garden myself to it.

He's promised the world to me at least fifty times before. I'm not buying this time but I'm still very sad.

Harden myself to it obviously... Though a bit of gardening may help relieve stress I suppose!

YUDOTHIS what an awful awful time you had. I'm so sorry.

I know what it's like growing up wishing your mum would leave, my father wasn't alcoholic but he was a bully and emotionally abusive to both me and mum.

A part of me still hates her for being weak and letting him get away with it. They are still together now.

She says the same. He was lovely (usually in public) at times.

I can't believe I'm only now seeing the parallels. I never want dd to feel that way.

I have two alcoholics in my family, OP (although not my dad). One of them is in his 60s and the other died of an alcohol related illness. Their entire lives their wives struggled to help them, they almost never went anywhere (no holidays for 30 years, almost no family events etc) bc they were too embarassed/poor, their entire lives were/have been revolved around their husbands' drinking. One of them was also very violent. The other one became incapable of holding down a job in his 30s and his wife has been supporting them since.

Alcohol will always come first and it destroys everything. And it also absolutely destroys childhood. You are making the right decision. I know you're probably kicking yourself for being with him for so long but you're neither the first nor the last woman to fall for such a man and it's not your fault.. You probably weren't aware of the extent of his addiction at first, you fell in love with him, thought you owed it to him to help him, he's a manipulation king as addicts always are.

You have a life to live and a DD to raise. You sound like a wonderful person and mother and your life will be much easier once the addict is out of the house. Don't even think about the wedding money, it's a sunk cost. You can't get it back and you shouldn't make future decisions based on it.
As to protecting your DD when she's with her dad, I doubt he will see her often. He'll either get clean (unlikely since the rest of his family are alcoholics too, he'll just join them in drinking) or he'll keep drinking even more so he'll probably very rarely show up for contact. But you really should speak to a lawyer about it, there are ways to protect DD. Getting him out of the house is the most important thing right now. Be ready for things to get very ugly, he will probably turn very aggressive, addicts are very unpredictable. Have a friend/family around/in standby. Good luck, OP!

I have no useful advice but just wanted to say you are definitely doing the right thing. That's great that you have your mum's support.

Well done Hatter, are you OK? You have lots of strength & you can get through this.

Be prepared for a range of reactions, there may be an explosion, or he may seem to take it quite well with the explosion coming later, be guarded against massive guilt trips, against accusations of the money you've lost on deposits etc etc You know you are doing the right thing, so hold onto that & weather the storm but it will soon be over & you can breathe again.

If you have joint accounts then take some money & put it in your own account in case he clears it out, make sure you have your own bank account as well that he doesn't have access to.

Presumably he will get drunk later & it will be 'your fault', so turn your phone off & don't answer the door.

Good luck, be strong.

If he counters what you say with telling you he's giving up drinking for good and all the nonsense you've heard countless times before, stay focussed on what you want to say.

Tell him you're happy he's addressing his alcohol consumption but this does not change your mind. You will not be marrying each other. Ever.

You are strong and amazing. So impressed that you've spoken to the vicar already and taken a positive out of this situation in that you and dd will have a holiday together, hopefully as reward for a difficult time which you will manage through and come out the other side a stronger person. Listen to all the stories and great advice on here and know that we've been there too. I so wish I'd known about mumsnet back then as I was lost in an abusive relationship with an "I promise I'll change " alcoholic who threw me and my 3month old son across a room and denied it the next day. Get out as soon as you can and don't listen to the tears that will follow and the begging. Do it for you and do it for your daughter- be strong -please.

OP
You say you feel you've lived the last few years with blinkers on
You have!
A man who gets drunk the day or day after his partner gives birth is not a man you want to trust, much less marry. Run far away. What do your friends and family think about this?

So glad you've cancelled the wedding, the next couple of weeks will be hard but the rest of your life and DC life will be much better now.

It's very daunting thinking of trying to explain all this to him in the morning when he wont really remember tonight

That's the problem in a nutshell. He drinks so much, he can't remember things. Is this how you want your life to be? The scale of drinking you describe would be a red flag for me. You are responsible for a small child as well as yourself. Do the thing that feels right.

My dad is an alcoholic- though this is a more recent development. Nothing is enough to stop him drinking. He will never change. It saddens me because he is a good man and was a good dad (or mostly tried to be- he had his flaws). Even though this developed when I was a teenager it still affected me and upset me- I cannot imagine how awful it would have been to grow up with him like that. You are doing the right thing for your daughter. She will be grateful when she is older. I am sorry today will be awful- keep posting here for support.

My Mum is an alcoholic. The repercussions still go on. 2 of my sisters are divorced, one from an alcoholic, one is an alcoholic. The family is dysfunctional and broken. My mother has an avoidable cancer and will probably refuse treatment because of booze. She and my Dad divorced over it.

This is your daughter's future. Get out.

Sorry to be so blunt but you must protect her, and yourself.

Good luck. You are without doubt doing the right thing.

If you want a compromise, tell him to go away and when he has been clean for a year you will talk then.

OP, you can't change other peoples' behaviour, only your own.

Do you really want to marry into all this drama? - No, I didn't think so.

Don't you think you deserve better than this? - Yes, I'm sure you do.

Be very, very glad you have had a glimpse of the future - I'm sure it's a future you don't want.

Cancel everything and put as much space between this abusive guy and his alcoholic family as you can.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. x

Sorry. I see your decision is made. Well done you.