Is anyone else on here massively anti-social?

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

AIBU to be this way? DH thinks I need to try harder....I do like people but it tends to be on my terms....I hate people just dropping in so I discourage it but DH thinks this is bad...he LOVES people dropping in and feels that his life isn't as social as it would be if I would allow people to pop in.

Our neighbour popped in this afternoon...while I was trying to sew some curtains on the machine. She had her toddler with her and ok...my DC played with the toddler but neighbour wanted to chat to me while I sewed.

She stayed for about an hour...when she'd gone I said to DH something like "I could have done without that." and he was very negative about my attitude...thing is, he doesn't know what it costs me to be friendly and cheerful....it costs me a lot...I have to be really concentrated in order to remain friendly and chatty etc...am i alone?

I am too OP. Anyone outside of my DH and kids and I feel uneasy. Especially when they just drop in unannounced. I would never do it to anyone else yet the whole world and their dog do it to me. if they're there too long then i start to switch off too. I can't help it. PIL 'popped over' Friday lunch to see us (we have a less than a week old newborn) they were still there at 10pm. I was losing the will to live.

I prefer my own company to being in a group. Would much rather sit home and read than go to a party, I would spend days fretting about what to say, what if no one spoke to me, what if someone spoke to me etc. A pp said that in a supermarket they would go down another aisle if they saw someone they knew - I do that too. I know I am unsociable - I was going to join the WI to make friends and get out a bit more but I totally bottled it and didn't go. I went along to a local social group drop in at a coffee shop, saw the group meet and pretended I wasn't there for that but only popped in for a coffee. It feels like the making friends gene has bypassed me totally.

Me too. Hate unexpected visitors, it's really stressful and tiring to entertain people. It used to bother me but I've accepted that's who I am now.

I never get unexpected visitors but if I did I'd hate it! I definitely am not a people person. Being with dp and dd is just right for me. Dp is the same but I get the feeling that dd will be more outgoing than the two of us when she gets older.

YANBU, obviously! I'm an introvert, and it has taken me a long time to not justify that to people. I can socialise, but tend not to
It isn't being rude, or anti-social, i just find that i'm trying to force it, and that's uncomfortable. My DP has Aspergers, and is very socially awkward, he doesn't like talking on phones, doesn't see the need for random social chatter, and feels totally thrown by someone 'just popping by'. DS is the same, very calm and just likes selected company, whereas DD1 has friends in and out all the time, and her phone never stops.
I am genuinely happier just around the people who know me well, especially DP. Everyone is different, don't apologise for being yourself!

There is a difference between being an introvert and being socially lazy. Being reticent means you don't reveal your feelings easily. It doesn't mean you are antisocial and lazy.

I am introverted and don't like going out more than about once a week. I know I'm getting "worse" by some people's definition but I'm actually getting happier as a result. Does anyone else have this problem - my friends are bugged by it.

I don’t want to go to big events where there are lots of people. I love my friends to bits but that’s all the more reason to want to stay home quietly listening to them rather than be in a bar or some such.

I find constant small talk wearing. Consequently, the office annoys me even though my colleagues are lovely. I work at home 2 days a week but I’d really like to find something I can do 100% at home. I find the commute very much a case of “sensory overload” – this is probably a different issue than being introverted.

Also, is this super weird? - I would like to live in a house, not a flat - but I think a flat gives you more anonymity. I think if people can see you going in and out of your front door, you will get more hassle – and I reckon being seen to work at home will cause a lot more “random drop ins” too.

I'm terribly anti social and introverted. I have an NHS diagnosis of ASD and I refuse to cater to unannounced visitors - we simply don't answer the door (luckily we live in flats with a video intercom). DH and DS (ASD as well) are also both unsociable so we tend to just go out as a family, but rarely mixing with others. That suits us fine. None of us really have friends at all. We are city centre dwellers, in a location which is mostly full of young professionals, so we don't know our neighbours at all and there's no sense of community here, which is exactly how we like it. No curtain twitching or gossip!

I cannot tolerate the social demands of the workplace and hate all the small talk and politics that goes on, so I haven't been in work for 17 years. I do get some official recognition for this through my disability benefits though. I always find it a bit weird when people have encouraged me back at work by telling me I could make friends and enjoy the social contact, when it is one of the main things that puts me off!

Do you think it's healthy for your son to be friendless and to be so dependent on his parents?

I could happily go days without seeing anyone!
If i'm out shopping i will walk down a different aisle rather than speak to someone i know and i hate folk coming round my house......
i will go to theirs because i feel more in control whereas if someone comes here i'm sat wondering what time theyre gonna leave

I am not antisocial at all. I am unsociable though. I am a complete introvert. I find being sociable very wearing indeed. I have to build myself up to it and recharge afterwards. I'd happily live on an island if I could.

I do have friends and they are usually introverts, just like me. We see each other, we enjoy each other's company, we share, laugh, interact etc but we know that if one of us isn't up to it or we're maxed out on interaction for the day, we give it a miss. We see each other because we care about each other, we have children who benefit from the interaction and sometimes you genuinely need good friends. However, none of us intrinsically need human interaction to feel at peace with ourselves and we don't actively seek it as a preference.

I am quite witty, good at making conversation, interested in the lives of my friends and good-natured. I'm also an introvert so being in sociable situations requires me to give something of myself which I don't have in droves.

I would never, ever tolerate people popping in btw. I find it exceedingly rude and it makes me panic. I hide. I also don't answer the phone most of the time. My real friends text or email.

dalmatian, I do that in the supermarket. If I see somebody I know and they head towards me, my heart sinks. I need time to build up to it.

I also only go to other people's houses. Sometimes I have friends here but I don't enjoy it. I find the whole thing massively draining. My home is my sanctuary.

I'm an introvert, but I can pretend to be sociable, I just find it utterly draining and need to gather myself afterwards and be very quiet and still. DD1 is an absolute extrovert, DS is somewhere in-between, and DD2 is a baby.

We go out every day to groups or playing at someone's house, and have friends here most evenings. I smile all the way through and look like I'm having a great time, when in truth, I thrive on silence, stillness and being alone.

I've spent decades wondering why I don't want to be around people, and hearing the usual 'come on, it'll be fuuuun' and whatever. I've just hit my 40's and I'm completely comfortable with who I am. If I don't fancy something, I now say so, and don't get dragged in. I'll do stuff for the children, but no way do I want to socialise on my own time.

Yes, DS is fine thanks Mitzy. Gets lots of praise from school and wouldn't make friends even if we were the most outgoing parents. He just isn't interested in having friends (many people with autism don't), and enjoys spending time with us as a family.

I really don't understand the problem with walking past people you know - if you're busy you just smile and say hi and keep going.. nobody's going to physically rugby tackle you to the ground or chase after you down the street jabbering...

I suppose i'm quite extrovert but i also work from home and work hard (take on too much work and never have enough time) so i often have to brush people off, say no to chats or anything else. It's never a problem. People understand.

museumum, you don't understand that people feel differently to you? I understand that you don't have a problem with bumping into people you know. I don't have actual experience of it, but I know that everybody's different. Maybe you don't have to 'understand' it, just accept it.

Both my husband and I are middling in terms of sociability. I do not like unannounced visitors dropping in, and it would really bother me to be diverted from a something like a sewing project.

I'm massively anti-social too, but where we live now it's a five hour drive along sometimes impassable roads to the nearest small town, and a long plane flight to the nearest city. It is heaven. The downside is that we own and run a ranch, which comes with its own little community of the hands and their families, all of whom seem to love just calling in for a chat.

I thought I'd solved the problem by making everyone clay smiley faces to hang beside their doors, if the smiley side was facing out, visitors were welcome, if the other side was out, it meant no visitors please. Did it work? Nope. It just meant that everyone decided to call in on me instead because apparently I must always appreciate visitors. I eventually solved the problem by instructing one of my three dogs to lie beside the back door (otherwise know as the primary social portal) and not let anyone inside. Our dogs are known as "the satan bears" so I can be pretty sure of peace and quiet if one of them is by the door!

We already have our housekeeper and her daughter living in the house with us, and they're with me pretty much all the time, but I'm sort of used to them now, she's like a sister and her daughter and DS are best friends, plus she was running away from an abusive marriage, hence her living with us for protection rather than having her own house.

I suppose I've just adapted to it, I'm probably more sociable now than I ever was. I can be a social butterfly when I want to, I just don't often want to, and in my previous career I had to be sociable and charming at all times. I think perhaps the difference is that here I can relax and be myself. Everyone here is very accepting which is lovely.

I'm very unsocial, but I like people coming to my house. No one could just drop in though, I have the door locked constantly and never answer it. They'd need to pre warn me that they were dropping in, so I could tidy up.

I don't like people talking to me who I don't know, unless you have four legs and fur I'm not interested in being your friend. I find people to be very judgmental.

I haven't always been like this but a string of abusive relationships has battered my confidence and left me wary of people and caused me to question my ability to cope with adulthood and parenthood.

But I'm also paranoid over whether people think I am coping. I like my house to be neat, clean and smelling fresh and I like people seeing that it's neat clean and fresh, that way they know I am coping okay on my own. I just don't like them staying to long because then I can't clean up, I feel rude cleaning when there are guests but it stresses me to not do it, luckily I don't actually have any friends so it's only family and the dc's friends who come over, I can clean when they are here.

It's exhausting and lonely and I wish I could change it and find a balance between having a nice house and having a life beyond cleaning my house.

That's why I have a dog even though the mess he makes stresses me, I have to leave the house everyday to walk him and people talk to me [I don't actually like this bit but unless they're dog is being rude to mine, I make myself respond politely] without the walks I think my mental health would be in a much worse state than it is.

I should add that DH is even more antisocial than me, but DS is a real people person, thank goodness there are lots of children for him to play with here!

I'm a very sociable person, really thrive on it. Although I need some quiet time as well. However, I'm not mad on spontaneous events - mainly because I like to be organised and know what's happening in advance. And I don't like people dropping in unexpectedly, but mainly because the only person I know who does this does it because she thinks she might say "no" if she asked, and likes to suit herself, and also would go crazy if you did the same to her.
My work place is very small and I have two colleagues who are very nice but very introverted, and also I am on my own a lot - I really struggle and find it verrrry difficult.

StarsInTheNightSky - that sounds like a wonderful place to live! I also wonder what it would be like to live in a small town but again, if you lose anonymity, are people in your business all the time?

re walking past in the supermarket - I have too many neighbours who would be upset by that but maybe I need to get better at saying "I must get on". I do find some people need to hear it 2 or 3 times though....!

Myself & DH appear to have done a role reversal on this one, in our younger years I was very sociable & he not so-now I have become quite antisocial & he a butterfly. Really makes me chuckle, anyway, neither of you is BU-do what suits you.

I'm more at the extrovert end of the scale, but have lots of introverts in the family. I read somewhere that being introvert/ extrovert is about where you draw your energy from - e.g. introverts need time alone to re-charge and extroverts need time with others. So you can have very social introverts, who just need to retreat to recharge and vice-versa.

DS is fairly introverted, and I've been reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop talking by Susan Cain. It's been really helpful in understanding how he sees the world, and also offers some useful strategies (there is a chapter on children). Definitely worth suggesting partners/ family read it to help with understanding (I really liked the speaking German analogy upthread too)

achieve no, actually, they're not which surprised me! It can be even tougher here I think as its just our ranch and nothing else within five hours drive, not even a village. All of the hands and their families have their own houses spread around the ranch, but other than them and us there is nobody else. I think living as we do you have to respect other peoples private business and not gossip, it would be pretty unbearable for everyone otherwise, like living in a fishbowl. You do end up knowing most people's business,but nobody ever comments on it, so after a while you just accept it.
Thank you, we love it here.