Is anyone else on here massively anti-social?

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

AIBU to be this way? DH thinks I need to try harder....I do like people but it tends to be on my terms....I hate people just dropping in so I discourage it but DH thinks this is bad...he LOVES people dropping in and feels that his life isn't as social as it would be if I would allow people to pop in.

Our neighbour popped in this afternoon...while I was trying to sew some curtains on the machine. She had her toddler with her and ok...my DC played with the toddler but neighbour wanted to chat to me while I sewed.

She stayed for about an hour...when she'd gone I said to DH something like "I could have done without that." and he was very negative about my attitude...thing is, he doesn't know what it costs me to be friendly and cheerful....it costs me a lot...I have to be really concentrated in order to remain friendly and chatty etc...am i alone?

Yay, I've found my people! But I'm going to leave you alone now. :o

Hi, YANBU I agree with you totally, as would my DH. We are both anti-social & I don't think we could ever change. Apart from a few friends & our parents we see no one else & don't want to.

We do however socialise at work because we have to as we both have customer facing roles & we also go out a lot with the kids. Apart from that we would never call in with someone unannounced & I hate it when it happens to us. I actually think it's bad manners; what if you are planning on going out or just wanted some quite family time.

We like routine & we've been known to holiday in the same hotel for several years in a row :):) it's quite!!

Yanbu you were in the middle of sewing and she should have asked if she should come back when you weren't busy and arranged a time. You can tell people you are busy and could they come back another day etc.

I thought I was quite unsociable recently until I realised that actually I'm just overworked and overtired. So I've cut my hours and I'm happy and sociable again.

Yanbu, I've been threatening for years to bugger off and build myself a hermitage. I'd invite you all to come with me but tbh I'd hate the company

Magrat, are you me? I always score as highly introverted, very much enjoy being alone and love silence but am confident talking to big groups of people, public speaking doesn't bother me and I am always told I am good fun at parties!

And actually as I get older I can appreciate the value of cultivating friendships AND I can recognise who is like me and just being sociable "for the time being" as it were. I suspect most of my friends are actually introverts. But you can be an introvert and outgoing.

I wouldn't say I was anti-social, but I wouldn't want people just turning up unexpected at my home.

I'm sociable when I want to be and whilst at work, but I need my independence.

I went out for the evening the other day. Me and four people I know very well in a pub that was noisy with chat but had no music on so you could hear each other. Bliss.

Done that personality test. ISTJ, definitely sounds exactly like me!

OP, I suspect that you mean unsociable, or do you really mean anti social?

If social contact doesn't drain him then he isn't an introvert. It's possible (totally normal) to want/need alone time and still be an extrovert.

I'm extrovert married to an introvert and it does bother me at times but it's more because in my head I think it would be great to have this great big sociable time with everyone together, I sort of forget that for DH it isn't a great thought and it's actually very boring and stressful for him when he doesn't know people very well.

In fact now we live in Germany and I understand a bit more, because it's a bit like speaking German. My German is passable but it takes a LOT of effort and concentration for me to understand and respond to people. After 20 minutes I am flagging, after an hour my brain is totally buzzing and I need to leave, and then I feel exhausted. An interaction where I get to speak English is no problem for me at all, but given a situation where I need to speak German, it really has to be worth it for me to want to put that effort in. Making small talk to be polite is horrible, if something is optional I tend to avoid it, I'm not likely, in general, to seek out German-speaking interactions unless there is something in it for me.

So now it's easier for me to remember that for DH any socialising is like speaking a language which he only has a vague grasp of. He can do it and with the right people it's very easy and even enjoyable, but 99% of the time it's hard, it's exhausting and he's looking for a way out not long into it. He'd also be really thrown off and quite grumpy if he suddenly had to do it with no warning, and the prospect of doing it for any extended period (e.g. multiple days) is really offputting. And unlike speaking a new language, it doesn't get easier with practice, so there's not even that as a consolation.

Perhaps you can use this analogy to help explain to DH what it's like for you as an introvert?

If you hate going to parties, you're unsociable.

If you get thrown out of parties for shitting in the plant pots, you're antisocial.

Tethers Well I think I AM antisocial. Not that I shit in plant pots but my instinct is to say "FUCK off and leave me alone" when people talk to me or visit me a lot of the time. I don't give in to those instincts as I've quashed them...naturally.

YANBU! Like euphemia i love the IDEA of socialisation, I'm forever planning future parties and events but there's nothing more pleasant to me than being cuddled up in bed with a book and I love to be alone. A lot of people don't understand how I could go away alone, or to the theatre alone.

I think extroverts don't get how exhausting socialisation actually can be.

I've often wondered if there is a term for what I am. Excellent grammar there.....I hate people (including family) just turning up. It feels like an invasion of my safe space. I don't show it though I'm always welcoming. I hate people wanting to crash over after a boozy night. I can't stand the idea of them invading my night/next day. Again, I'm always polite to the point ppl say, oh we can crash at Joins she's fine with it. I like seeing people on my terms. Otherwise I'm happy to be alone.

I regard myself as mildly reclusive, but I do not feel that this (at least in my case) is born of misanthropy

I'm quite antisocial, but sociable when I want to be. I don't like running into people and chatting for instance, hate running into people when late or when caught off guard, hate small talk, hate parents events and all those normal things.

I like the idea of going out, I'll even arrange it but when it actually comes to the effort of getting ready and leaving the house I long to put my pjs on, grab my nook and do absolutely nothing.

I often don't want to go to things I am invited to, as I can think of a load of better things I'd rather do that don't involve the people who have invited me and usually involve just me and DS, or just me and my work and deadlines sat undone. I also find it pretty exhausting. I force myself to go to lots of things for DS, but really, nearly exploded today with boredom and frustration. Usually I just have to dodge barbed comments about my schedule. Whatever. I don't subscribe to a social norm and as long as I am pleasant and kind to people I don't see why I should have to behave in a way that people are expecting, or enjoy things society says we should. Hunterian museum followed by 2 hours peace so I can read; or a concert in the olympic park with celebrities & non stop inane chatter 9am-9pm from those inviting me.. no brainer..

"If you get thrown out of parties for shitting in the plant pots, you're antisocial."

After filling their lattice planters with your own manure, you'll probably never hear from them again, so it could actually work better than just being unsociable.

I am an introvert. I need a great deal of time alone. I read, listen to music and spend time on the Internet. My dh and I actively discourage any sort of drop in behaviour from family and friends. We both work in public service sector jobs that require huge interaction daily with people. We need to have chunks of space and time at home to decompress from our jobs. We function very well as a family...oh yes, we never answer our door..No point in knocking, we won't answer.

I'm an introvert and so is dh. My middle child is the life and soul of the party, which has forced me to socialize more to keep up with her various invites, clubs, hobbies etc. I'm in awe of how easily she speaks to people and dearly wish I had her people skills.

Thankfully none of my friends ever just pop in. I'm definitely introvert I'm more than happy to spend a day or days in the house relaxing, reading, watching TV. I'm perfectly happy with my own company.

I have a small circle of friends who I see regularly and I'm happy with that

I'm married to a DH as introverted as I am. Its great, so long as I'm not having a really need adult conversation evening.

In fact, the most extraverted person in our family is the more severely autistic of our two boys :o

The other one was, this afternon, telling me how much he liked the NT membership I'd taken out for us all because everywhere we went was so quiet!