re. 'Stop, will you' and 'Don't start'

[mikado1]

..as responses when I try to say something to my dh? Also 'I don't need a lecture'. I am not happy with something he did, and he didn't acknowledge/apologise for it, and I brought it up with him and these are the three responses I got for bothering to try discussing it.

Do others get this? ? Find it so dismissive and seems such an easy way for him to opt out. Yet I am now still annoyed about initial event and we can't talk about it and move on..

Fwiw I have never used these phrases myself, certainly not in a serious conversation. Aibu/precious?

Not being precious at all, I hate this. He could at least elobarte into why he doesn't feel he wants to discuss the situation.

YANBU! This drives me nuts ????

no. It's not acceptable. Adults should be able to discuss things that they are unhappy about.

My husband sometimes tries stuff like that. I channel mumsnet and I say no, you will not silence me. (yes, I am a twat ) we need to talk about this and I won't accept you trying to prevent me from talking about something that matters.

Do you think it's about not taking responsibility for his actions? My husband seems to think that if he didn't mean something, then anything that happens because of it or I feel about it should not be brought up, because he didn't mean it.

No, you're not being precious.

I use the exact phrases you've put in the title to my hedgehog when he starts huffing, but I'd never use them to an adult human. Maybe a child...In an "oi you, don't start?" type way? But I don't have children yet, so maybe not.

It is dismissive. He knows your upset but he doesn't want to put any effort into talking about it let alone putting it right.

Absolutely don't just move on from the event that has made you unhappy. He's banking on you getting back into your place and stopping your questioning of him and his behaviour. That can't happen, or this will happen every time he does something he knows you'll dislike.

Yes, we used to go round that roundabout. But not any more.

I waited until we were not having any issues then sat down and started... I explained that we had a problem with how we communicated; I explained that it left me simmering with anger and that I didn't like how that made me feel or how it must seem to him; that his not being comfortable even acknowledging an issue was a big problem for me; I explained that whilst I was sure he didn't feel mean to his not entering into any conversation was tantamount to him telling me that I did not matter to him and he was not bothered by my being upset.

I also explained that in not being able to discuss a problem I felt we were doomed to having the same hurtful non exchange over and over again with each of us feeling the other one was being unfair.

I had to point out, repeatedly, that disagreeing with his viewpoint did not equal blaming him for anything. That wanting to find out why something had happened did not mean it was automatically his fault. That actually fault finding wasn't the point, understanding what happened and working out what, if anything could be done about it was the points.

OK, the first few times I ended up screeching "Why can't you act / treat me like a fucking adult?", but we did get over it, he now, usually, understands that our biggest problem is communication and now can at least catch ourselves before it gets to the Mexican Standoff you are currently pissed off about.

If you try it, buckle up and be prepared to have to repeat it a few times. The worst is when you start a calm conversation and end up being the one who loses their cool - they can look really smug when that happens

Right, well that's what I thought, dismissive and disrespectful. Unfortunately I am pretty sure this is how he was spoken to growing up. I am VERY put out by what occurred previously though I am not prepared to post it here and want to discuss it. Where do I go from here? Gerti, he is a great guy 90% of time but there is an anger and defensiveness there which causes problems especially with communication.

Mikado, my DH had much the same problems in his childhood, which is why I took the steps I outlined above. 30 years on we are still together and he is usually worth the effort.

Lazyloulou, I am going to learn that off and go for it after ds' bedtime. I am not one to back down nor am I prepared to be effectively ignored when something is very important to me. I am 38 weeks pg and quite formidable with it and yet I found myself standing in the doorway speechless as he trotted those phrases out and ended the discussion before it started.

It really depends on what has happened but I'm going to go against the grain here - are you treating someone like an adult if you are lecturing or rubbing their nose in what they have done wrong?

The fact your dh has said "I don't need a lecture" indicates that he is well aware and therefore has acknowledged his fault, he doesn't want to go over it, maybe he needs to think about it himself and discuss/apologise for it later?

You cannot force someone to discuss something they don't want to.

I really cannot comment on which one of you is being U without knowing the back-story, sorry. I know you don't want to discuss it tho.

You may well have a valid point, or it's equally possible you're a nag who keeps banging on from a minor issue from last year.

I really can't say from your post.

I agree my timing (almost immediately after event) was not good but he certainly didn't admit any fault, in fact he denied it as a problem so, well aware? Definitely not. I find it hard especially because I would react so differently myself and if I thought what I did wasn't a problem I would be able to calmly explain my view.

It's something that happened today.

Lazyloulou, did your dh ever 'speak to someone'-I have asked him to do this for a while now.

I know a few men for whom childhood meant "being bossed about by their mum", less independence, and have never looked back since becoming an adult. If they feel that they are being spoken to as their mum would have done, they are quick to be defensive, as if they are about to lose their adulthood, even if what they are hearing is well-intentioned.

One such man would always (grudgingly) hear what point was to be made, but if it was prolonged unduly, repeated, rubbed in, he would then be quick to say "thank you, that's enough nagging!"

I too would suggest trying to discuss it at a neutral time when there aren't any issues. But if it's impossible even to start up a conversation about it without him being too defensive to listen, then sometimes putting it in writing can help, so that he can read it when you are not there. (As a teenager, when I felt I was unlikely to win an argument with my parents, I used to put my case in writing. It didn't always work, but I think they took more notice when I wrote it.)

Well no one wants a lecture or to be moaned at about a mistake, so it depends on what you were saying and your tone. But if you brought up a problem in a reasonable manner then he should definitely listen and come to an agreement about it.

No. He wouldn't be able to do that.

We had a very rough time 15 years ago, his mum committed suicide. We spent a lot of time paying close attention to his feelings. I spoke to a friend who was a bereavement counsellor and followed her advice to prompt him and to support his outbursts, especially when he got to flat out fury.

Once we got through that he had to deal with the way his sibs treated him. The sentence "It is alright for you" should be deleted from every world language. Once we had got through all of that he was more than able to talk about his feelings... usually.

I don't recommend it as an alternative to counselling!!

I would echo pp who have said that you really do need to think about how you phrase things too. I was, and still am sometimes, very guilty of shitty phrasing that makes him feel very put upon. You have aid a couple of times that he "can't admit fault". It doesn't matter what he did, he is not at fault he has done something you don't like. You really need to train yourself to take a step back and even say things that you don't fully believe in order to give him wriggle room.

I know that sounds like I am excusing shitty behaviour, but I believe my DH is a decent man with a good heart. He just has a couple of traits he finds difficult to lose, as we all do. He has always come round and been able to discuss things. We can now even disagree without either of us considering it to be WWIII

I'm not being deliberately awkward or taking an opposite view for the hell of it, but the fact that you react differently doesn't automatically make your way of dealing with things right.

What has happened is obviously a problem for you, but not for him, is it something that should be a problem for him due to the way it effects you?

Dh and me are very different in the way we react to things, we accept each other's ways of reacting and compromise.

Absolutely, emotionecho, I don't mean my way is the best way-although it has certainly been effective in dealing with problems others have had with me-I just meant it makes it hard to understand when our ways are so different.

Loulou, I am not sure what you mean re fault-imo it was his fault, although I didn't use that phrase to him. I did say 'X was not ok'. I admit I do look for acknowledgement of mistakes made but really don't feel today was a moan about a trivial thing although, tbh, having been dismissed, it is now a bigger issue.

Just an example of how a casually uttered phrase could get someone's back up:

"I should have made you buy some milk today."

Would you find this phrase objectionable, in particular the use of the word "made", especially if it came from your DH?

A couple I know use "made" like this all the time, quite casually, but it turns my stomach every time I hear it. Speaking for myself, nobody "makes" me do anything, not even my boss. People may of course "ask" me to buy milk, but not "make".

I do understand and agree with your point that when something is dismissed out of hand it can become a bigger issue, and, yes, it is difficult to understand when your ways are so different, dh and me have had too many years to mention to learn that.

Yes, very objectionable wanderings, and a very strange turn of phrase!

wanderings that phrase would put both dh and my back up - something we would react the same to! Very odd way of wording a request.

I don't think it would bother me if it was said in a friendly way, but Dh would hate it.

I dunno it sounds like YABU

It sounds as if you know you are right
You know the right way to communicate to solve things
Are formidable

You have already told him that in your opinion it wasn't on immediately afterward

Sounds like her received the message and doesn't need to be further lectured
Perhaps he utterly disagrees with your opinion but doesn't want to argue with a very pregnant and utterly dogmatic woman

YANBU. My ex-H constantly addressed me that way. It is fair enough to not want to talk about something, but it is the rude and disrespectful way it is expressed that is the problem. Also - he always said (and still does) - you 'need to get/need to do ...' rather than, 'please will you ...' or 'our daughter needs a new ...'. Had enough. Much better now without that sh*t. :-)