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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re. 'Stop, will you' and 'Don't start'

72 replies

mikado1 · 19/07/2015 16:19

..as responses when I try to say something to my dh? Also 'I don't need a lecture'. I am not happy with something he did, and he didn't acknowledge/apologise for it, and I brought it up with him and these are the three responses I got for bothering to try discussing it.

Do others get this? ? Find it so dismissive and seems such an easy way for him to opt out. Yet I am now still annoyed about initial event and we can't talk about it and move on..Angry

Fwiw I have never used these phrases myself, certainly not in a serious conversation. Aibu/precious?

OP posts:
summersonitsway · 19/07/2015 18:06

'Don't start' drives me up the wall - xh said this to me yesterday on the phone - this is why he is 'xh' as I will not be spoken to like this. So disrespectful

Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 18:11

I said I was feeling formidable etc to show I am not going to take someone talking to me in a way I feel was very dismissive, in case anyone thought I was a shrinking violet!Smile

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 19/07/2015 18:41

Hard to say if you are being unreasonable or not. If DH or I said that to each other it would be a completely dismissive shut down. The same for a lot of people I know but I do know a few people- all of whom are teachers- who speak in 'teacher voice' to their partners a lot and then wonder why their partners try to step away from it.

It's also hard to know whether he is unreasonable to not acknowledge what he's done wrong when we don't know what he's done wrong. He may be in the wrong, everyone may think YANBU when they know what is it. Equally though, you could get YABU if you stated what you were annoyed about and be told he is not unreasonable to ignore.

It is always a shut down but whether it's reasonable or not depends on you and his relationship and what you argued over.

whothehellknows · 19/07/2015 19:15

I know I've been guilty of similar utterings at times. In my case it would be something like, "Can we just NOT do this now?"

It didn't go down well, but then I didn't expect it to. I was really very angry at that point and ready to give him the boot, so I wouldn't say it was a good sign if this has happened in your relationship.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2015 19:22

It really does depend on what he did. Just because you disagreed or disapproved doesn't necessarily make it something terrible.
It also depends on how often you decide he needs to be berated and made to grovel for doing something you dislike. If you are always whining or ranting or wagging your finger at him, particularly if it's usually over trivial things like not putting the milk back in the fridge, then maybe you are the one with the problem.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/07/2015 19:33

I too suspect it's based on how they were raised. My H is like this. Even if I'm trying to impart info that would be helpful. Example today DCs meeting someone new, shy and not wanting to say hello or shake hands. h makes a joke. After we left person I simply said, when they meet someone new it's ok if they don't want to say hello, they will when they feel comfortable. Something I had just read about. I got the, why are you having a go at me?! Hmm

I can't win, he wants an easy life, but doesn't actually want to learn anything about being a better parent or growing as a person. Two minutes later he's forgotten it and all back to fake smiles and shallow companionship. I guarantee in about 5hrs he'll apologise and say it was good advice.

I have to stop blaming the PILs for his behaviour as he is an adult and could change if he wants to. Which is really the crux of it.

(I'm far from perfect and can be very dysfunctional, thanks parents, but I do try and improve)

tumbletumble · 19/07/2015 19:37

DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago. Lots of tips on how to improve communication. It sounds like you and your DH might benefit from attending one.

silverglitterpisser · 19/07/2015 19:38

DH tries this occasionally, I HATE it!

It's just so ..... I dunno, it demeans whatever I am.actually trying to say? Angry.

Yanbu. Not one iota.

emotionsecho · 19/07/2015 19:43

Dear me HerRoyalHotness your post sounds terribly self important and patronising.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/07/2015 19:49

Gee thanks emotions. I guess he's right then and I'm the arse in the relationship

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a better parent imo, or a person for that matter

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2015 20:19

Anyone who tried to lecture me on 'howto grow as a person' would be told to fuck right off. If you are forever coming out with this sort of bollocks I am not at all surprised your H doesn't want to listen.

Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 20:29

So I calmly tried again, saying I felt dismissed earlier-'alright'-I then went on to say I didn't like what had happened. Silence followed by leaving the room 5 mins later..

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2015 20:45

DH can be a bit like this. Raised by a narc DF why could never ever be criticized and never apologized. I unfortunately have a very strong, controlling DM, which means our arguments used to involve me telling him he was wrong and him reacting terribly. Fun all round.

Now, I am way more tactful and less 'right' all the time but he listens when I raise something. It did take us both acknowledging our shit.

bigbumtheory · 19/07/2015 20:47

So he acknowledged that you felt dismissed with the all right, no apology but again it depends on if he feels he's not in the wrong and you are just pressing your point.

Did you say you didn't like dismissing or you didn't like whatever he did that caused the arguing later? It's pretty unclear OP if he's unreasonable or not. If he's always an arse and pretends he isn't and gives the silent treatment to shut you down then he may well be an arse. But I can see this sort of thing playing out with my friend and her DH, he'd walk away if she kept badgering him, he'd not apologise for dismissing either because he'd already be feeling dismissed and he'd ignore if he felt he was being talked at, lectured or not being listened too.

Have you asked him directly: why do you keep dismissing me? Do you think I'm wrong, or not listening to you or do you just want to stop me bringing up things you don't want to deal with? Why do you think it's okay? We need to communicate in a relationship.

He may well go off on one, turn it back on you and say it's not his issue ut yours which would be a red flag for me. Or he may turn around and say he doesn't agree with you but you keep going on and talking at him rather then listening.

Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 21:18

Mrstp the dfs sound very similar (and I sound a bit like you! ).

Bigbumtheory, you are very insightful and both the situations you describe have been us in the past. I predict if I put it to him as you have that he would say 'I don't want to talk about it' and hope I would never bring it up again :/

OP posts:
Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 21:25

I also think your last sentence is exactly what he thinks :/

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2015 21:31

Well, if you are like me and he is like DH... I worked very hard on using I statements, asking for things I wanted, no scoring points (even though I love points), really deciding what was actually important rather than every little thing.

However, as well as that, I have an absolute rule that there will be no shutting down, 'nag' is a banned word, as is any kind of sulky pouting. DH and I can have emotions but we have had to get rid of some of the drama.

Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 21:34

Yes..we sound very like you indeed!!

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 19/07/2015 21:41

Thanks mikado1 , I hope it gets sorted soon for you. Flowers

OurDearLeader · 19/07/2015 21:47

Did I read that you were heavily pregnant somewhere? If so it's completely possible that you have somehow really upset him and that he is just not discussing it because he doesn't want to upset you and he doesn't want to have a massive row when you're in a vulnerable situation.

I think sometimes 'Don't start' or 'I don't need a lecture' can actually be far kinder than telling the truth. It's quite possible if he did tell the truth he might say you are constantly nagging him over minor issue or you make personal attacks and denigrate him as a person when he's done something you don't like. It's hard to know when you won't say what it is.

It's easy to say 'Why won't you talk about it'. But sometimes not talking about it is better than telling the truth, especially when you're angry. I think now is probably a really bad time to discuss as you both sound upset. Wait until you have both totally calmed down and discuss it again.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2015 22:02

If you don't want to state what his actual offence was (which is, obviously, up to you) maybe have a think about how things pan out when someone else has done something you didn't like. If 'don't start' and 'I don't want a lecture' are the sort of things other people also say to you, then maybe you need to stop yacking and yammering at people when there's a difference of opinion. People who won't let go of a grievance but persist in talking on and on, repetitively, at whoever they percieve to be 'in the wrong' are actually very tiresome indeed.

Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 22:19

No, ourdearleader, he's not that thoughtful! ! I haven't upset him but his actions upset me, that's what I wanted to discuss. Neitger of us were angry for the later attempt at a chat-during which he said just one word. Solidgoldbrass, no one else has ever spoken to me like that before. But to follow up on what you've said, don't you agree that grievances are best discussed, sorted and moved on from?

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 19/07/2015 22:35

Maybe he is utterly tired with being told how he should behave in certain areas and when he should do it

People process things at different rates and in different ways
who says that he should speak to you about this again at all?
Perhaps you simply disagree and it is left there
who says he should apologise to you?

i wonder how often you listen to him and I wonder how often you simply demand that your wishes are carried out or demands are met

of course this might be utterly rubbish but it is the feeling I get from the tone of your writing on this thread

two people can only sort something out if they both want to and both feel they need to in their own time frame
you will have to sit with that and come to terms with that lack of control

Original poster
mikado1 · 19/07/2015 22:41

I didn't say he should apologise but I do expect him to listen to my view on what I feel was important/upsetting. I am going to sit with it, I have tried and I can't force him to discuss it. I would truly love to listen to him but he doesn't like discussing things so I don't get to.

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 19/07/2015 22:44

HerRoyalHotness to me, in the situation you describe you come across as a patronising arse. Sometimes we need an objective opinion which is why I can't comment on the OP. Not enough facts to know who is right.