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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re. 'Stop, will you' and 'Don't start'

72 replies

mikado1 · 19/07/2015 16:19

..as responses when I try to say something to my dh? Also 'I don't need a lecture'. I am not happy with something he did, and he didn't acknowledge/apologise for it, and I brought it up with him and these are the three responses I got for bothering to try discussing it.

Do others get this? ? Find it so dismissive and seems such an easy way for him to opt out. Yet I am now still annoyed about initial event and we can't talk about it and move on..Angry

Fwiw I have never used these phrases myself, certainly not in a serious conversation. Aibu/precious?

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 19/07/2015 22:57

I'm sorry mikado but it really doesn't come across like that

he did something you didn't like, you immediately told him
he didn't think it was a problem

you want him to admit it was a problem
apologise to you
listen to you go over it again

he asked you to give it a rest

you felt as though he wasn't taking your opinion seriously simply because you didn't get the reaction and contrition that you thought you were owed

when you told him later how you felt
again he didn't act in the way you wanted

he simply disagrees with how you feel and your assessment of the situation and doesn't want to listen to you talking about it any-more

why can't you stop talking about it to him?
he has been clear and you have already given him your take on the situation
is this a power game?

why do you feel the need to make him do exactly what you want when you want? when he doesn't do as you say it isn't that he isn't listening to you it is that he has personal autonomy

this may have to so with your loss of control due to your pregnancy but if this is something you often do I'd recommend seeing a therapist

RonaldMcDonald · 19/07/2015 23:00

mikado in your first post you mention the your h didn't acknowledge/apologise

i made the assumption from that that it was something you were looking for

i apologise if i jumped to a conclusion

SolidGoldBrass · 19/07/2015 23:50

Some people like to go on and on and fucking on about a disagreement, others don't. People who can't shut up often consider themselves 'emotionally honest and open' when in fact they are self-righteous, self-obsessed bores. It isn't wrong to dislike endless, pointless, repetitive discussion of a minor incident.

Again, the fact that you didn't like what he did (and we don't know what it was anyway) makes it hard to be sure who is being unreasonable.

If his 'offence' was something you have previously asked him not to do, yet he carries on doing it, then it might well be the case that he is being unreasonable and unfair to you (though, again, it might be that the thing he did is something not unreasonable at all, it's just that you don't like it - eating pickled eggs, weeing in the shower, watching Top Gear...) Partners don't have to obey each other and anyone who insists on being obeyed when there is a difference of opinion are often abusive.
And if you follow him round the house bleating then it's unlikely you will get him to stop doing whatever- that's the sort of thing that makes anyone with any self respect either more stubborn or more secretive.

emotionsecho · 20/07/2015 00:21

HerRoyalHotness if your tone and attitude towards your dh is anything like how your posts come across on this thread and in the example you have given I'd be inclined to agree with your dh.

Lurkedforever1 · 20/07/2015 00:40

Hard to say. I've used those phrases along with 'I don't need a lecture' with someone regularly who goes on and on, usually at the most in opportune moments, thinking their inane ramblings and plaintive lip wobbling explanations about their feelings are something that vaguely interests me or that by repeating their invalid point I'll suddenly agree/ realise how much to be pitied they are and agree. So he is not bu in theory for using them. But whether they were reasonable in that context I couldn't say.

OrangeVase · 20/07/2015 09:51

This is interesting. As pp have said without knowing a bit more it is difficult to call on AIBU but the discussion is interesting.

My DP and DC have accused me of being the self-righteous, teacher-ish bore who wants an acknowledgement of "rightness" and apologies before moving on. Sometimes maybe it is true, sometimes I feel they simply dismiss me. Probably a bit of both - and something we should work on.

Other peoples' experiences are helpful here.

emotionsecho · 20/07/2015 13:25

OrangeVase why do you need/want an acknowledgement of rightness? Is it to make you feel better and superior and the other person worse and inferior?

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 20/07/2015 13:36

its difficult to gauge the situation to give you an answer as you haven't really been clear about the sequence of events.

If he did something you don't like, and you told him at the time, and didnt like his reaction, and have then persisted in trying to tackle him over it again and again all day, then you are being a pain in the ass quite frankly.

My DH can do this sometimes, and i do get to the 'don't start' and 'just stop will you' stage after the 4th/5th time he brings it up.. its fucking annoying and it doesn't make me want to apologise!

OurDearLeader · 20/07/2015 13:45

The fact that you don't even want to give a hint of what happened makes me suspect it was something quite trivial.

I don't think you can say you haven't upset him, you haven't discussed it. Just because he doesn't shout it from the rooftops when he's upset doesn't mean he isn't.

I also disagree with you that things have to be discussed and sorted out. Couples have tiffs. Sometimes it's best just to let it blow over. Having to have a postmortem and picking over the bones every time you have a row is often counterproductive.

LazyLouLou · 20/07/2015 13:50

The incident might indeed be quite trivial but OP obviously finds it to be something of a concern. That is for her to know, not for random MNers to demand!

The question really is how does OP deal with the lack of communication so they both can ensure that neither of them continue to feel like this, all combative and uncomfortable in their relationship?

OP, ignore the nosy demands, you don't have to tell anyone what the incident was, it is immaterial. How t deal with the impact it is having on you, your DH and DS is all that is important.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 20/07/2015 13:55

it does matter Lazy.

If she's complaining because he left his underwear on the bedroom floor instead of putting them in the laundry basket, then she's being a pain in the ass.

If its because he got drunk and came in at 4am and then didn't get up for a promised family day out and told her to fuck off.. then she's quite right to want to tackle him!

SolidGoldBrass · 20/07/2015 14:05

It also matters how often this happens. If OP is pecking at her husband over fuck all every day, for instance, then she needs to stop. However, if he is from time to time doing things that (eg) wreck the family budget, such as buying himself expensive gadgets and leaving her short of grocery money, or he gropes her sister at family gatherings, or does stuff which endangers the children out of laziness or spite, then she would be right to want it sorted out.

tumbletumble · 20/07/2015 14:10

OP says she was "VERY put out" by the earlier incident so I think we can assume it wasn't something very trivial. Although I agree it would be easier for us to comment if we knew what it was.

It's certainly possible that OP is going on and on about things. But in general I would support her in saying that it's better to discuss things and move on than refuse to enter a conversation about it.

LazyLouLou · 20/07/2015 14:21

That's just nosiness though! Pants under bed or staying out and getting legless are not materially different if the response you get cuts you off.

Whether OP is 'pecking' at him, lecturing him or just being a pain in the ass, the solution is the same... better communication.

Op doesn't have to spell it out, she may choose not to. But her dilemma remains the same: how does she communicate with her DH without either of them putting up barriers?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2015 15:27

If she's complaining because he left his underwear on the bedroom floor instead of putting them in the laundry basket, then she's being a pain in the ass. That's interesting. So, if a man is leaving his crap around for a woman to pick up, she's not allowed to raise it with him? Or she is but 'nicely'. Or she should just do these things for him?

I absolutely agree if it is like me and DH arguing about the heat/air con. Because it's just a personal preference. But I would expect him to get pissed off if I left shit lying around for him to pick up. I do; he does.

emotionsecho · 20/07/2015 15:36

You're right about better communication LazyLouLou but there also needs to be give and take, compromise and a realisation individuals communicate, react and deal with things differently and no one way is the absolute right way.

LazyLouLou · 20/07/2015 15:38

That is what I have been saying, emotionsecho they both need to communicate in a more constructive manner.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 20/07/2015 15:54

i didnt say he might have left it there for her to pick up.

FTR, my DH went through a period of being obsessive about stuff, he still is to some extent, and some days, if i didnt do a job he felt ought to have been done, i used to get told off, and then get repeatedly lectured over the day for not responding how he felt i should have to his complaints, until i got sick of it and used to just cut him off before he opened his mouth again.

That wasn't a communication issue, it was a 'needing to let go' issue.

If she is being a nag and her dh is reacting to that, then yes, context matters!

The fact she's being so coy about revealing what it was about, says one or the other of them is completely over-reacting, and she probably knows if she admitted it, we'd all tell her to leave her DH alone and drop it!

LazyLouLou · 20/07/2015 16:04

But I wouldn't change my posts if she was nagging... it is still a communication issue between 2 people. If 2 people can't talk through jobs not done, pants on the floor, etc and get to a mutual compromise then there are probably bigger issues - which will be easier to address if you can talk to each other!

I nagged, DH reacted to me or he didn't acknowledge my having spoken in a way I could understand and I asked for clarification. We brought out the worst in each other. Until we sat down and talked. Then we found that we both used coping mechanisms that the other one could not deal with.

Now we know we can recognise when we back each other into corners... and so we can stop doing it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2015 18:25

I take your point Sorcerer. I can't disagree with a Pratchett-named poster anyway. Grin

SorchaN · 20/07/2015 18:50

Can we just NOT do this now?" - I wouldn't have a problem with this; at least it's a reasonably polite request.

Don't start - I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like this. It's dismissive and rude.

Obviously it helps if both parties are communicating as politely as possible. If the OP is 'nagging' (another word I don't much like), then her partner should discuss the situation politely. There's no need to be disrespectful. I-statements usually work well.

Original poster
mikado1 · 20/07/2015 23:24

I have been out all day and only reading this now before falling into bed. Will reply properly tomorrow but will say that reason I have not shared what happened is because to me it isrreally quite a big deal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it on an open thread. Definitely not in the socks on the floor realm.

Secondly there was no question of me banging on all day-I said it once immediately after and Brought it up again when both calmer as advised. I have left it go completely since and have taken a lot from advice on this thread and am having a critical look at myself and my communication approach as well as dh's responses.

OP posts:
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