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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask single parents..

87 replies

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 19/07/2015 15:41

whether or not you feel guilty that your DC(s) will be raised without you and your DP in a relationship?

DD is 10 months old and her dad and I separated a few months ago. I'm worried that she's going to feel like she missed out on having a 'proper' family with both of us together as her parents and I worry that I'll never find anyone in the future and end up being alone forever.

I suppose I'm just feeling a bit down about everything and feel like I should have tried harder for her sake

OP posts:

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 25/07/2015 11:30

Yes. I am having councelling to help me deal with that guilt because I left their dad due to EA. He is very manipulative and tells me at every opportunity that when they are older he will tell them im a terrible mom and have ruined their lives so they go and live with him.
It's horrible and I question my reasons for leaving every day, I feel so selfish but I had to leave. I'm hoping one day this guilt will lift, it's been nearly 2 years.

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 25/07/2015 11:31

Sorry that was so negative, on a positive note I enjoy being single and having my own space.

Athenaviolet · 25/07/2015 11:32

I think it's God for dds to learn that being single is ok!

You are setting a good example.

Instead should dcs be taught that staying in bad or potentially abusive relationships is desirable? I'm glad society has changed. We are raising healthier dcs for it.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 25/07/2015 12:14

I don't feel guilt about being a lone parent. I'm sure I had guilt about many aspects of that before/during/after my relationship ended but once I'd got myself sorted/organised & was truly independent, I gained a sense of confidence in myself that underlined to me the decision to end the relationship was the best thing for both myself and DD. 7 yrs later, that still holds true.

I know what my responsibility is & it's no more than giving both DD & her dad the opportunity to have a relationship (because there are no welfare issues to worry about). How that happens, what form that takes, how strong their bond/relationship is - that's her dads job to figure out. He's not what I'd call 'father of the year' but DD is happy & loves her dad & sees enough of him to keep her bond strong. I've long accepted we parent very differently but there are many positives to what DD's dad brings to the table & I appreciate that more as DD gets older. The key to this is being able to be amicable/friendly with ex in front of DD. That took a period of adjustment but my gut feeling that we'd get on better apart (when we were together) did eventually pan out & it gave me some satisfaction that that did eventually happen once the high emotions subsided. That does involve me biting my tongue a lot but I am able to do that because I have been able to focus on what's important for me & my needs/ability to do what is right for DD since the split & I give zero energy to things ex says/does. He's a grown man, he can figure out for himself what's important & what's not & I'm no longer his mother his keeper

My childhood wasn't great & my parents are still together (46 yrs). The damage they caused me - verbal/physical/emotional abuse from my F, my M stood passively by & let this happen while also being verbally/emotionally/financially abused & cheated on. It took me years to figure out WTF went on & why it was wrong on so many levels. I'm still not able to get rid of the anger I feel towards him for being the bastard he continues to be, or her for martyr-ing herself for the sake of her marriage. My wellbeing counted for nothing to either of them.

That's probably where I do get my confidence from that splitting up from DD's dad was 100% the right thing to do. Because I know from personal experience that staying together does much more harm than good when it comes to thinking what is best for the child(ren).

etKrusTe · 25/07/2015 12:50

whyhasmyheadgonenumb yes it will lift. Emotional Abuse is absolutely terrible. You walk away, physically, but are in the habit of accepting all the blame and all the guilt. For years after I left my x he went on and on about "The Truth" and how he would tell them the truth about me when the children were older. At the time it filled me with so much fear. Now I realise that there's nothing he could say that would make me look bad and him look good. I left him because it was my absolute right to do so, and the children know this.

I think it can take five years to get over something really, really painful. I don't mean that you can't be happy for s3 more years! Just that, even on working on yourself and learning lessons, it can be five years until you can look back on what happened to you and say to yourself, that no longer effects me.

winterland · 25/07/2015 19:19

thank you etkruste. your words are much appreciated. I am my worst critic I think. I don't even like him and I hate him being here I just feel guilty that they want him to stay..

etKrusTe · 25/07/2015 19:40

I had to work hard to get rid of my critical voice too. It took a while!

Get in to the habit of dialogue-ing with your inner critic. Don't let her come out to play. Ask that inner critic, if somebody else did what you have done, ie, end a relationship with a man who had an affair, would you judge her so harshly? Would you believe she ought to feel guilt and regret and bear all of the responsibility for somebody else's affair?! The answer is almost certainly no.

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 25/07/2015 20:52

Thank you etKrusTe

Singleandproud · 25/07/2015 21:02

No DD (5) loves having 2 houses/Christmases etc and it's all she's ever known. She sees her Dad regularly and has proper quality time with him, because he has to do everything himself, which talking to friends their children don't always get undivided time with their dad and the mum seems to pick up most the childcare.

Dd is very close to my Dad and brother and is in a class where most children don't live with or even see their dads.

Dd is however desperate for a sibling, which as much as I would like it isn't likely to happen. I am seeing someone but whilst committed is very casual and we see each other a couple of times a month when I'm child free and I get to have some adult company, cinema visits and meals out.

winterland · 27/07/2015 19:36

etkruste you are so good at this stuff. That advice was was really helpful. thank you. seriously.

winterland · 27/07/2015 19:37

and i know its pathetic and totally unmumsnet but you made me cry.

DesertIslander · 27/07/2015 19:46

Yes. I feel guilty and often incredibly sad. My 18mo has never met his dad (feels weird calling him that! shudders) and I doubt he ever will.

My guilt and sadness is around him not having a dad at all, not around separation

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