To ask single parents..

[bluejeanswhiteshirt]

whether or not you feel guilty that your DC(s) will be raised without you and your DP in a relationship?

DD is 10 months old and her dad and I separated a few months ago. I'm worried that she's going to feel like she missed out on having a 'proper' family with both of us together as her parents and I worry that I'll never find anyone in the future and end up being alone forever.

I suppose I'm just feeling a bit down about everything and feel like I should have tried harder for her sake

I agree with totallybewildered upthread (second post I think)

"no, sometimes we come across families where having a father is a positive addition to the atmosphere, but just as often we meet families where having a father involved has a very negative influence."

I often feel bad for married mothers I know. For different reasons, but I look at what they put up with and know I never would (now) so I do feel pity for a lot of married mothers I know.

Not a bit. My eldest was glad to see him go. He saw, heard and understood far too much at age 5. My youngest was a toddler so has never known him live with us. It helps that a few of her friends are in lone parent families too. That is her normal.

In addition to that I felt guilty when he lived with us because I could literally see him screwing my dc up before my eyes. He loved them very much but thought nothing of drinking excessively, picking fights with me, making vicious insulting remarks to me in front of them, disappearing for days at a time. They seemed unaffected but I knew it was all going in, it always does. The best thing I ever did in my life was get him out and away from them full time.

I hate the saying "broken home". My home was broken when I was with him and I fixed our home when we left and went to a new home.

pesto just seen your post, and I'm sorry you lost your husband, but it's a rude to say that you consider it ''off'' to be lumped in with single parents whose relationships failed Nobody lumped you in with us. You joined in!

It reminds me of the time an acquaintance of mine told me about the ''embarrassing faux pas' she had made when she had thought a woman was a single parent, and then, she discovered she was a widow and she was "really apologetic" I thought wow, that really says it all. I called her out on it! Widows aren't better than single parents! No need to apologise to somebody for having thought they were a single parent!

I think pesto meant in general and not on here? I see where she is coming from - for all us for whatever reason, we can sometimes get lumped into categories by people's assumptions and it winds us up. I sure as hell get annoyed by people assuming because I am a single mother I am a lazy cow on benefits (which I am not). I'm amazed that just those two words can have people turning their nose up or looking down at me. I think pesto point was that if she tells people she is a single mum but chooses not to share reason why at that point (her right to privacy), people are immediately assuming the worst (i.e. oh here is another woman who had children whose partner buggered off, that kind of thing) when in RL, sadly she lost her partner.

Since I became a single mum I realised just how many assumptions people make on others (and indeed it has made me look at how I view others too and I try to be a lot more considerate and understanding than perhaps I used to be, and to never assume anything).

I don't think any offence was intended here x

I don't feel guilty as his father left before he was born and has never been seen since.
Imo one happy parent is better than 2 that hate each other

Princess, I know she didn't mean to offend and I don't want to have a go at pesto personally as that's not the point.

What upsets me is that it's accepted that it's "better" to be a widow. More respectable somehow. That isn't true. We are all equal. This is 2015 and I'm the the equal (parent) to any woman who married (or didn't marry) her children's father. I don't want people apologising for having thought a widow was a single parent. And I don't really enjoy reading that a widow doesn't enjoy being lumped in with single parents!

People do make assumptions. In the 8 years since I became a single parent, I find that I act in a classier way to avoid giving anybody any reason, ever, to tut and say hmm-hmm. I can't think of any examples off hand mind you!

Currently pregnant and split with baby's dad, sometimes I think it's sad that they won't be raised by a couple and that all their future siblings will be half-siblings but I don't feel guilty at all, if we'd stayed together it would have done far more harm than good

etKrusTe sorry to hear you feel that way. I have never heard anything said about single mother widows being better than single mother relationship break up (didn't know how to word that sorry). It isn't acceptable though if that is the case. Nobody is worse or better. All Mums are equal in that we carried our children for 9 months and gave birth. e After that might be a different case but that is another story :)

I know what you saying about acting classier - sometimes I get a bit on high horse about things when I think somebody is assuming the worst about me. Even though I work, I get a bit of help towards rent. Whenever there is a problem in the house, the snooty Estate Agent that has come round for the Landlord always makes snipes which clearly show he thinks I am a skanky single mother and always infers it was my fault or my DD fault that something has broken (indeed how he could figure out the leak in our ceiling our fault I'll never know LMFAO). I have pulled him up several times for patronising me and he always apologies and denies, but carries on with same attitude! x

I dont feel guilt about them not having their parents together as we are without a doubt far better apart.

I do feel guilty about the fact that simply making the decision to separate means my dc are automatically at a disadvantage wrt a range of things that i may never be able to fix. I would also love for them to have a good male role model.

OP, ex is a bastard there are many threads about his horrid behaviour.

As far as I'm concerned, we are both infinitly better without him. I'd rather he had one amazing parent, that will fight his corner than living in a abusive household. BTW his latest scheme is to use his son as a tax break.

Yes, it's very lonely however things are so much better.

Yes I am sure that Pesto didn't mean to offend either. She's just so very sure that her situation is more respectable than those of us whose relationships "failed". I'm not sure there's any other way to take it be honest. Maybe we should all wear a bandana of some kind so that people know how to judge us?

I just find it a bit 'off' to be grouped with others in failed relationships, as if I'd had any choice to be a single parent or not...

I didn't have a choice either. How bloody rude. Funnily enough, I didn't choose for my XH to leave me pregnant with our third child so he could run off with the OW.

Some of us widowed parents have single parenthood thrust upon us with no choice so we can't contemplate feeling guilty about it

Err, many non widowed single parents have it thrust upon them too.

I happen to feel a bit 'off' about the phrase "failed relationships"

Echoing the sentiment of the last 3 posters.

I didn't fail. I excelled. I got my child away from a man who had become dangerous and I kept her away.

I sometimes feel guilty as I think my dd does miss not having a dad in the picture, she has phases where she gets very upset about it (9yo) however as pp have said it is him rather than me that should feel guilty!

He is out there knowing he has a daughter and doesn't even care

I also feel guilty that dds upbringing is very different to mine, I was bought up in a very traditional nuclear family and we had money, nice house, holidays etc. Dd doesn't have any of that really. But she does have a secure loving home and a mum that would do anything for her so I just have to hope that this is enough!

No way feel guilty, my home is a much happier place, im much happier, the results are growing a couple of well adjusted kids with normal respectful attitudes (well maybe not the 2yold). Plus what SGB said. Do you want your dc to see you unhappy/angry/being spoken to or treated like shit. Happy parents = happy kids.

I don't feel anything about being a single parent actually. We just 'are'. Perhaps because I was left as soon as found out I was pregnant so the decision was all mine.
I am amazed out how much like his father DS is despite never meeting him. I got on well with my ex so sometimes I feel strange not sharing things. DS hasn't missed out on anything. I have lots of family, friend and a long term boyfriend.

There are so many types of single parents it's not worth the judgement. I do wonder why women are serial single parents though.

I feel guilty every single day. guilty that I didn't forgive his affair and let him back in. guilty that I guess I put my own happiness or self worth above the needs of the children. middle child still talks about how he wishes mummy and daddy lived in the same house. It breaks my heart everyday. I guess I was brought up in a traditional family unit and I feel like because I couldn't do that for my children, then yes, I have failed them. being on my own with 3 is so busy and tiring I feel that I'm not a good enough parent to them sometimes.

That's sad winterland. Honestly, if you'd swept it under the carpet and tried to carry on, you'd feel compromised and resentful and as a poster on here once said and I laughed, you'd see him giving a cheery, warm hello to the neighbours as he sauntered up to the front door and you'd want to kill him! That would seriously effect your parenting.

I'm a firm believer in giving the children a bit of honesty. Mine know that although their father is nice to them, he was very, very unpleasant to me. I will not waver from that truth. I don't sit there giving them examples but on any occasion that I've been questioned by relatives I am unapologetic.

Perhaps your children are picking up on your uncertainty? I think you should give yourself more credit. It is your x who OUGHT to feel guilt!! I bet he's not feeling guilty for having an affair! You're beating yourself up for not letting the affair slide! You're being really hard on yourself.

I was brought up in a traditional family and it wasn't all that. Both my parents were so conservative (in their ways). It was stifling. It still can be. I am better at ignoring it now.

ps, I do know what you mean about not being as good a parent as you could be. I feel that too sometimes, but my dd's personality is so strong! At least there's a consistency. If my x were around he would never back me up, he'd side with her, even if she wanted to go to a festival at 14. ykwim. Being on your own is simpler.

I feel guilty at times, as I feel my dc miss out on holidays etc (I can't afford much in this respect) and I know dc would like to see more of their dad. Having said that, life was miserable with ex living with us, lots of arguments, he withheld all affection and had no love for me, was quite controlling and unkind and very selfish.

Although I don't have much money after I've paid childcare and I find life quite tiring, overall I think it's better dc have happy parents who live apart rather than parents who hate each other.

I do try to organise family meals occasionally and have been on the occasional holiday with ex as well, as dc love this and ex and I seem to be able to be amicable for the sake of the children.

My parents divorced when I was 2, so I grew up not knowing any different. It didn't bother me that we lived with our Mum and saw our Dad alternate weekends, I was never envious of friends who had both parents around.

However, what did bother me - and still does, even now I'm 47 - is the undisguised hatred my parents feel for eachother. My Dad doesn't say much but you can tell the loathing is there. My Mum still talks about my Dad with a passionate hatred, and makes no secret of the fact that she wishes he was dead. As a child I was never able to admit to either of them that I was missing the other, and was always made to feel that any fondness for the other was an act of cruel betrayal.

I know it's very hard to conceal these feelings, especially if there has been abuse in a marriage, but I firmly believe that children should be protected from learning the full extent of parents' hatred for eachother.

There are many things I would allow myself to feel guilty about in life - forcing myself to stay in a relationship with my ex for DD's sake is not one of them. I refused to spend 18 years feeling utterly miserable with a man I had come to not like very much. There are a lot of things I have sacrificed for my child and many more I would be prepared to say goodbye to for her, but my own sanity isn't one of them.

I've been a single parent from day one. DD's dad decided to opt out of her life when I told him we would not be getting back together. He's seen her twice. She's 8 now. The guilt that comes with that is not mine to shoulder - it's his.

I love being a single parent. I do better on my own. I have never had the desire to meet someone new and 'settle down'. I like to date, but I keep things very casual. I like my life just the way it is