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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask single parents..

87 replies

bluejeanswhiteshirt · 19/07/2015 15:41

whether or not you feel guilty that your DC(s) will be raised without you and your DP in a relationship?

DD is 10 months old and her dad and I separated a few months ago. I'm worried that she's going to feel like she missed out on having a 'proper' family with both of us together as her parents and I worry that I'll never find anyone in the future and end up being alone forever.

I suppose I'm just feeling a bit down about everything and feel like I should have tried harder for her sake Sad

OP posts:
Fauchelevent · 20/07/2015 00:23

DD of a single mum. I hope my mother never feels guilty for my father's lack of fucks that he gave. She certainly shouldn't. It was a mutual split but entirely his decision to not have an input in my life, and I am not nor do I feel any worse off without him.

Don't worry about the "proper family" element. For a lot of us who were never raised in the traditional family (no step-dads either), a proper family IS what we have because it's all we've known. At the most I'm curious about what it would be like to have two people with two different parenting styles, but I don't feel like I missed anything and neither will your dd.

Whether you'll find someone in the future is a different matter - but you should find and stay with someone because they're a right fit for you and your family, not because you feel you owe your dd a father figure.

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 19:54

I have always felt guilty that DD has come from a broken home. DH left when she was 4 and a half, and not long after she had started Reception at school. We had a horrendous few years but I cannot fault him, he has always been a constant in her life, ringing every night (he still does it now and she is 11), no matter where he is or where she is. He sees her once a week and every other weekend, and he has not missed any primary school things since the day she started to the day she left this week. I know he feels guilty too.

We get on very well now and co-parent our DD pretty easily. That is not to say we don't clash from time to time but we tend to sort it out pretty quick - a few years back that was not the case!

He has just ended the relationship he left me for which was a nightmare from the beginning. He has a child with this OW which has been quite hard for my DD especially when he was living with them. The OW had a massive problem with me and my DD, she still does. She is very jealous of both of us and has often said she does not understand why my ex DH spends so much time with his DD. As he told her, he left me not his DD. But that is another story, don't get me started! I have had one relationship since he left 7 years ago but that did not go well so I am on my own now, and am quite happy that way. I would like somebody but I am not the sort to drift from man to man and I know someone will come along (hopefully) one day.

I think it is natural to feel guilty, I don't suppose it ever goes. I wish I could have given our DD the family she wanted but life never turns out like that and I am pretty sure ex DH feels the same. All we can do is love and reassure our DD and keep as much stability in her life as possible.

Please don't get into a relationship just to give your DC a stable environment - more often than not it doesn't work. I have seen many friends try this and it just ends up in tears. You will find somebody one day and you will have that family unit but until then, stay strong xx

PestoSwimissimos · 23/07/2015 20:16

Some of us widowed parents have single parenthood thrust upon us with no choice so we can't contemplate feeling guilty about it.....

taxi4ballet · 23/07/2015 20:18

A friend of mine was a single parent. She didn't want to be a widow at 28 with three kinds under 7.

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 20:19

Hugs Pesto. I don't believe in your instance this applies as you say, you had no choice and lost a partner and of course you can't feel guilty, although I imagine if you did, it would be in a different way if that makes sense!

I think OP probably meant where a relationship hasn't worked out especially if it was their choice to leave.

Hugs x

ArcheryAnnie · 23/07/2015 20:21

I am the youngest in a family where my parents should have separated but didn't. I would have been much, much happier in what is nastily known as a "broken" home - though, as a friend has pointed out to me, sometimes separation of parents isn't the thing that "breaks" a family, but mends it.

ArcheryAnnie · 23/07/2015 20:23

Oh, and I separated from my own DS's dad when DS was small. We're all a lot happier, I have an excellent relationship with ex and his current wife, and - more importantly - so does DS. This would not have happened if we'd stayed together.

PestoSwimissimos · 23/07/2015 20:24

Thank you ProudMummy
I just find it a bit 'off' to be grouped with others in failed relationships, as if I'd had any choice to be a single parent or not... Sad

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 20:29

Of course I totally understand that, I can imagine it is very frustrating.

I myself don't like being grouped as a "skanky parent" but it happens purely because I am a single mum, people assume I slept with loads of blokes and my DD was a result and bloke left. They also assume I don't work and laze around - none of which is true!

A lot seem surprised when I say I was with ex DH for nearly 20 years before we broke up and that our DD was planned!

People don't stop to think about the reasons behind it why you are a single parent, they just assume, mostly the worst.

So sorry for your loss honey xx

PestoSwimissimos · 23/07/2015 20:30

I luffs you ProudMummy Smile

Finallyonboard · 23/07/2015 20:31

I found having divorced parents very difficult growing up. I was sad I didn't have the family unit my friends had and hated being part of step-families. I always say that if there is any way to make a relationship work, you should try. Of course, some relationships are impossible and in those circumstances separating can be best for the DC.

PestoSwimissimos · 23/07/2015 20:31

And, on a more serious note,

"It is never safe to assume"

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 20:37

I have no idea how to do a blush face Pesto but I am sending you one :) xxx

Sorry to hear that Finallyonboard .... I agree you should do all you can. My marriage was failing long before he was unfaithful and I never blamed him really. We would never have worked. Looking at us now most people say we are like a couple because we get on well and our DD even says look you can be together but the reason we get on is because we are not together lol

I think it just depends on the circumstances of divorces and how well the ex spouses get on (or not get on) which in turn influences the children x

CluckingBelle · 23/07/2015 20:38

Nope. We are very happy, me and the three children and our pets.

No bad atmosphere, no constant criticisms, no boundaries changing and moving of goalposts, no anger.

They see their dad, inconsistently. I've come to realise that he is responsible for his relationship with them, and I have nothing to feel guilty about.

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 20:38

I meant affects the children, not influences them x

butterflygirl15 · 23/07/2015 20:42

feel guilty because he abandoned us and doesn't bother with his dc? Nope, not my problem. His loss entirely. It seems I should feel guilty for being a lowlife single parent?

Doobiedoobedoobie · 23/07/2015 20:55

Yes, I do feel guilty. Especially as I know that exDH would get back together in a heartbeat if I wanted (we split almost 2 years ago).

But, it's an amicable split and he's a (mostly) fantastic dad. And while my parents are still together, I asked myself when we split what I'd advise my then adult DDs to do if they were in the position I was in, and I'd never want them to feel tied to a relationship purely for the kids. We deserve happiness too.

I do hope I find live with someone one day but can't see it happening when the girls are still little. The thought of introducing someone else into their life terrifies me! And if that then went wrong I'd feel much more guilt over that than I do over the separation with their father who they have a great relationship with.

On the whole, we're all happier this way.

ShipShapeAhoy · 23/07/2015 20:59

I understand why you're feeling down, it must be really tough for you atm. Flowers

My parents separated (very messily) when I was about 11 and to be honest I secretly blame my mum for not ending it much sooner. He was awful to us.

If you and your ex put aside your own differences and work on being the best parents you can be to your dd then she will have a better situation than many children from 'unbroken' homes.

Doobiedoobedoobie · 23/07/2015 21:01

I totally agree with proudmummy that it depends on how you handle the breakup/ divorce that influences the children. We went through a rough patch about 8 months after splitting but have managed to keep it amicable, and now we are genuinely good friends.

Another friend of mine split with his wife the same month I split (he has custody of his child) and seeing how his ex wife plays their child off against him and the aminosity between them is so sad. I feel terrible for my friend who would love an amicable relationship with her but it seems impossible. In that scenario, the child is certainly being damaged by what's going on IMO (obviously I can't go into more details but he is getting help).

proudmummy2004 · 23/07/2015 21:22

Butterflygirl, most definitely not!

As I said people just make assumptions when you are a single parent. You are right, it is his loss.

I think the OP was just saying personally, for her, she feels guilty because the relationship did not work. For her and for some us, it is hard not to feel guilty. It is just the way it is for some of us. We not all made of strong stuff and I would love not to feel guilty but I do, every day. x

happymummyone · 24/07/2015 14:25

My DDs dad left me when she was 6 months old, but came to spend every weds with her at mine until I was done BF her at around 2 at which point he started having her overnight, and at this stage he had a lovely partner living with him who has truly loved my daughter from day one. My daughter is now 5, I have a pert we and new baby on the way and we're all great friends. My daughter has gained family, not lost family and she is very happy. We all are. Smile

The5DayChicken · 24/07/2015 14:35

No, I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt. But then, I left my ex for very serious reasons that were putting her in danger when she was just weeks old. So if I hadn't left with her, she could have come to a lot of harm.

I suppose I might feel differently if she was showing any sign of missing out, but she's extremely sociable and one of the happiest babies I've ever come across. I work hard to make up for there only being one of me but it's worth every second.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/07/2015 15:20

I really, really disagree with the idea that you should 'try everything' to hold a shit relationship together. Because it's always women who are supposed to suck it up, be more obedient, indulge the man so he doesn't 'stray', learn to 'manage' his violence, laziness, drinking etc.
This is harmful for children to witness because it perpetuates the idea that women must obey and placate and indulge men, that women exist for the benefit of men, and so the same old bullshit carries on.
Men who are inadequate as partners may make decent fathers or at least harmless ones, but it's better to focus on improving their father-behaviour than trying to retain them as partners when they are unsatisfactory.
And if they are really bad (eg violent, drug/drink problems, inappropriate sexual boundaries) they need cutting off as much as possible. Better no father than a shit one.

etKrusTe · 24/07/2015 15:27

No. Not at all.

I feel brave. a lot of married women are brave, of course, but I feel like I've proved that I am independent. My son gets to see me assembling furniture, changing lightbulbs, painting the shed. It's good for him.

Also, I think far too much reverence is given to the traditional family unit. It works sometimes but often it's miserable.

SoupDragon · 24/07/2015 15:32

Why should I feel guilty because their father cheated on me? He destroyed the family, not me. I could not have tried harder to fix it.

I've never said this to the DC though.