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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional affair and work issue

124 replies

zeezeek · 16/07/2015 19:25

I'm currently leading a team of about 10 people in getting an application together for a large programme grant to do a piece of research. All very important for the department etc and the team were handpicked for their expertise and nothing to do with departmental politics.

Anyway, one of the men has apparently developed feelings towards another (female) member of the team. It is a small, incestuous world we live in so their paths have crossed before and they have always been fairly friendly. However, now he seems to have more than friendship feelings towards her. Nothing will happen, however, because he's married and she's a lesbian. It has been a kind of open secret in the team, but we have all tried to ignore it. They don't work in the same institution (she's about 200 miles away from him) and, even if we get the money, they will only see each other a few times a year at most and they are both very professional. I don't know if they've discussed it between themselves.

Anyway, last week we were all at a departmental party piss up and this chap's wife was there and someone (not sure who) told her about his husband's crush. She took it very badly and ended up shouting at her DH, then shouting at the poor woman concerned (even though she was there and obviously with her GF) and accusing us all of being complicit in the affair.

Today I get a call from her demanding that I remove her DH from my grant application so that he won't work with this other woman again. Her DH was actually at a meeting in my dept today so I spoke to him and he had no idea what she had done and definitely didn't want to not be on the grant. He also admitted having marital problems which his crush on the other woman was exacerbating and that if she would give him a chance he would have a physical affair.

As he is a leading expert in his field there is no way I want to remove him. But don't want to be responsible for causing problems in his marriage and certainly don't want his wife calling and blaming me anyway!

AIBU to think that as adults they should sort it out themselves and not fuck up my very important piece of work!!!!

OP posts:
ThoseAwfulCurtains · 16/07/2015 21:40

Well he's making himself look a right knob. Is he having some kind of mid-life crisis? He's very lucky the woman he's panting over doesn't complain about him formally. It's really no way to behave in a professional environment. If he wants to make a laughing stock of himself, that's up to him but he's tainting her reputation too. What a sad twat.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 16/07/2015 21:48

The whole department will be a laughing stock if this gets out!

Op - as the manager you need to draw a line and remember that the friendship is secondary to your professional relationship. If this causes problems to the project it will reflect badly on you.

honeyroar · 16/07/2015 21:49

What a great big childish mess!

You should have said to her on the phone that who worked with who was nothing to do with you and you didn't appreciate her ringing up and demanding changes. Told her that she needed to discuss her fears and insecurities with her husband.

You need to speak to him and tell him that his jokes and flirting have gone too far. That he needs to rein himself in and be more professional at work.

honeyroar · 16/07/2015 21:51

Correction, I meant to put who worked with who was nothing to do with her.

Original poster
zeezeek · 16/07/2015 21:53

Up until a week ago I'd say his crush was harmless. Up until 3 months ago - when we all started this process - I'd would have laughed if someone had ever even hinted that he would behave this way.

I think we do kind of form a clique that, obviously, his wife is excluded from because she's not involved in academia and everyone else is. I don't know how the wife got to hear about all of this - everyone was a bit pissed that night. I would guess it was one of the fairly young and a bit daft post-docs who tend to be a bit laddish and had been treating it all as a joke prior to that evening. As a do manage them, officially, I should have nipped that in the bud.

Again, I'm sorry for implying anything about SAHM. I didn't mean to be rude, was just clumsy. I could explain why I described her the way I did, but would sound a bitch, so will shut up.

I guess there are a lot of conversations to be had tomorrow. Theoretically, I could remove him from the grant, but realistically the only person I can replace him with (experience and knowledge wise and sufficiently heavy-weight in academia) is my own DH - and he is not keen because he's semi-retired now and doesn't want to commit to 3 more years hard, full time slog and working with me lol.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 16/07/2015 21:54

Surely its not an EA. One of the team who happens to be male has a crush on a female member of the team. It's not reciprocated and not even welcome. As the team leader you need to deal with this.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 16/07/2015 21:58

Your workplace sounds totally unprofessional

I can't believe you have an opinion of his wife - clearly negative. I don't think it's professional at all the way you are all working/socialising

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/07/2015 22:00

Oh eek. What a mess.

This reminds me of university - close-knit, incestuous groups, people lacking the maturity to deploy a bit of discretion (who the F thought it was a good idea to tell his wife??) and to act professionally/decently, etc.

Everyone needs to cop on a bit, and realise this isn't still a big old laugh.

And yes, it is clearly now going to need some direct managing. The man in question sounds like a total buffoon - I feel very sorry for this wife, and the object of his mooning.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/07/2015 22:02

Really. Let the SAHM comments lie now. The hole is dug, and it's getting bigger.

Regardless of your opinion of this woman, she is hurting and has been treated badly, in anyone's book.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 16/07/2015 22:05

Lets turn this around a little - you say you are friends with the partners of your other colleagues - just not this woman.

So lets say it was another colleague an their wife had called up - how would you have reacted? Or would you not have been laughing along with your colleagues about the 'crush'?

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 16/07/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smellyoulateralligator · 16/07/2015 22:10

Very immature all round really.
And I agree that your workplace sounds highly unprofessional.

I would want to be assured that the poor object of this man's affection doesn't feel harassed and that you and your colleagues are not implicated in any harassment.

Original poster
zeezeek · 16/07/2015 22:15

So lets say it was another colleague an their wife had called up - how would you have reacted? Or would you not have been laughing along with your colleagues about the 'crush'?

It wouldn't have happened, to be honest. The other wives/husbands/partners/FWB of the other members of the team all know me and know each other and would never dream of making an issue out of something like this. Maybe we have always been more liberal, or maybe most of us are just secure in our relationships. i don't know. I always thought he was. It is just due to the fact that we are all involved in similar lines of work that we know each other. Yes, I suppose that makes us a clique - but they are just people I have a different kind of relationship with. I like to think I would take any concerns about members of my team seriously.

I do admit I didn't take it seriously enough, it would seem.

OP posts:
Original poster
zeezeek · 16/07/2015 22:17

Smellyoulateralligator - no, she really doesn't take him seriously and he's never actually tried it on with her...just kind of adored her from afar. She's been laughing it off and when his DW learnt was first to re-assure her that it was all meaningless.

OP posts:
Hassled · 16/07/2015 22:17

I have no advice but I really feel for you - you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. My first H is an academic and I well remember what an incestuous village it all was - the scenario you describe doesn't surprise me.

I don't think there's any need to contact the blameless other woman though. Leave her well alone - she's done nothing and doesn't need to know about the current shitstorm. But you do need to do what you can to clamp down on the culture where it's OK for a married colleague's crush to be openly discussed and joked about.

CassieBearRawr · 16/07/2015 22:38

This literally has fuck all to do with you. Your involvement goes as far as telling him "Do not bring personal problems to work and do not behave in an unprofessional manner". That's it. Stop getting involved in the ins and outs of it.

justmyview · 17/07/2015 00:00

Lots of personal / identifying info on this thread .....

MidniteScribbler · 17/07/2015 04:14

You need to put a stop to this. This 'other woman' has a very good case for sexual harassment.

Spartans · 17/07/2015 08:07

This is fucking awful. Some twat on your team decided his wife would like to be told her husband fancies someone else, at a work night out in front of a load of people that she doesn't fit in with and is looked down on!

The bloke in this scenario is setting you all up to be done for harrssment and this girl is the centre of you hilarious jokes about how a married man fancies her.

You all want to pretty ashamed, tbh. You knew he was married but you found it oh so funny he openly had the hots for a her.

And to top it off he is involving you all in his martial strife that he and your team have all contributed to. I hope the degree less sahm kicks his arse out. Poor woman. She shouldn't have rang but I can see why she blames you all.

Fwiw I was a sahm and degree less. I can certainly hold my own around people who are apparantly oh so intelligent. I now own a decent sized company and count some of the countries biggest business as clients. At meetings I can definitely hold my own or I wouldn't have won the contracts.

I also would kick his arse out.

Hannahouse · 17/07/2015 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dustarr73 · 17/07/2015 08:42

I have to say reading this post you all sound about 12 and really immature. Them poor women being the but of the jokes.What an awful way to find out your husband has the hots for another woman.

But at least the wife knows and can do something about it.I would suggest you get your arse in gear and do something about your colleague before the whole thing blows up in your face.

TheCraicDealer · 17/07/2015 09:18

OP, I can see why you mentioned the SAHM thing. If she didn't go to uni and has built quite an insular life at home around him and their children from a young age then it's relevant that a) your frames of reference are so different you may struggle to build a friendship as opposed to an acquaintance, and b) if she hasn't been to uni (or worked) for a long time, it might be more difficult to see how a close knit, informal team interacts and how you can almost "fall" into these situations.

I think some pp's are being a bit unfair here. You can have running jokes which suddenly don't seem so funny out of the context of that particular workplace. In my last place I had a well known crush on a contractor which provided literally hours of amusement for the entire (small, incestuous) office. By the time I left if you'd believed everything the others were saying you would have had me up against an employment tribunal in no time. My boyfriend knew about it and the craic we had, but if I hadn't already mentioned it he would've hit the fucking roof if it had been sprung on him at a works do.

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/07/2015 09:29

We have no idea if she's built an 'insular life around him' - the OP doesn't know her at all. She may well have her own group of friends. She probably doesn't want to even be friends with this lot any more than they seemingly do not with her. Why would she?

She is learning about this crush for the first time in a totally humiliating way. It's not OK.

Spartans · 17/07/2015 09:38

I can't see her point. It actually comes across that this women isn't welcomed into the group because she didn't go to uni.

Sahms do not have to have an insular life. It's a ridiculous assumption to make. As is the ' she doesn't get us because she doesn't have a degree'

If the behaviour at this party is anything to go by, no wonder she doesn't feel she fits in.

TheCraicDealer · 17/07/2015 09:49

I didn't assume, I was referring to OP's post where she stated the wife , "devoted her life to him". That post read like she doesn't have much going on outside of the home to be honest. Not all SAHM's are like that, but some are.

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