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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have called a colleague a sexist twat?

22 replies

SamVJ888 · 16/07/2015 18:55

At work today, senior colleague was talking to me we don't really have a lot in common, he's a knob and an arse kisser completely incompetent but knows who to suck up to. Anyway he was complaining about his new boss and how he's too demanding/blunt etc etc (in other words he's seen through him). He then went on to say that his new boss is too short with female staff members and he's tried to tell him that allowances need to be made to women at least for a week every month and then before and after this week can be "tricky" (is actual words). I'm normally quite forthright but I was so shocked at what he said I just looked at him, I couldn't actually reply. He wasn't being sarcastic he meant every word. He's not any more senior to me and I'm angry at myself for not responding. Was IBU not to tell him to shut the fuck up and not be so patronising?

OP posts:

mrschatty · 16/07/2015 18:58

Sorry to say yes you have been unreasonable to have ignored his being vvvvv unreasonable!!! I'm sure it was the shock. You'll know next time exactly what to say. You'll probably be waiting now to strike!

chocolatechip123 · 16/07/2015 19:01

"Whatever do you mean by that? Around pay day do you mean?"

mrschatty · 16/07/2015 19:05

Excellent point chocolate

MegMogandOwlToo · 16/07/2015 19:10

I don't understand... Do you think he's wrong, or just wrong to say it?

Original poster

SamVJ888 · 16/07/2015 19:14

I think he's way past being wrong but also feel that I should have shown him just how "tricky" I can be and given it both barrels. Suppose I'm shocked that this kind of open sexism is still rife in the workplace and mad at myself for not dealing with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SamVJ888 · 16/07/2015 19:30

I think he's wrong on both parts. One to make any kind of "allowance" once a month. If I'm not capable of doing something I don't need anyone blaming "women's problems" for the fact. I have a 13 year old daughter and she's been brought up to know that the only thing she's not able to do when she's older because of her sex is be a penis model (and that can change)! He's also wrong to think it's acceptable to say it and not realise it's sexist and we're not living in 1950.

OP posts:

MissClaudette · 16/07/2015 19:37

Just FYI: during a period, the hormone cycle is at its highest for testosterone and the lowest for oestrogen. For everyone.

So you can happily tell his idiotic, sexist ass that for one week out of every month we behave how the men around us behave ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Andrewofgg · 16/07/2015 19:45

Some years ago I became line manager to a woman whose previous manager (a woman) pulled me aside and warned me, in strict confidence (which I respected) that every fourth Thursday - and she gave the next date - she would be impossible to work with and the best thing was to make sure she had work to do which involved as little interaction with others as possible. On Friday she would be better although still difficult; on Monday, back to her normal pleasant self and a good member of the team.

And so it proved. And I followed her advice. Whether the woman concerned or anybody else noticed that that was the work I was giving her I don't know; after three years or so she resigned and went elsewhere.

Was the previous manager wrong to warn me and was I wrong to act on the warning?

Original poster

SamVJ888 · 16/07/2015 19:51

I think the point here is that all women need allowances making once per month according to this colleague. I find that offensive and sexist. I manage men and women and if I'm honest if a women told me that she was a bitch once a month due to her period I'd tell her to sort herself the fuck out and she'd be managed on her poor behaviour just like any man would if he was aggressive

OP posts:

PeppaWellington · 16/07/2015 19:54

It's tricky to call a senior colleague a cock though.

How old is he? I hope near retirement age....

PeppaWellington · 16/07/2015 19:59

Interesting Andrewofgg - I think I'm inclined to agree with SamVJ888 though. Why should you have to manage her in that way? Surely you had better things to do with your time. I think it would be better for her to sort herself out or self regulate in some way. Tricky one, though.

Your senior colleague, OP, meanwhile, is a moron.

Original poster

SamVJ888 · 16/07/2015 20:00

He's in his early 50s, having an affair with a junior colleague which they both think no-one knows about and has the morals of an alley cat. He's no more senior than me, that's why I'm mad at myself for not saying something

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 16/07/2015 20:03

PeppaWellington You are probably right in theory but it worked in practice, and she was a valuable member of my team even when she was doing paper-based work and not interacting much.

MissClaudette · 19/07/2015 11:37

Sorry, but literally noone should have allowances made for them unless there is a legitimate medical reason behind it. If, for example, a man has IBS then he should be afforded more bathroom breaks. I suffer from endometriosis, and control that with a combination of birth control, diet and painkillers. Noone in work is expected to treat me differently for 5 days out of my 34-day cycle...

JadeJaderson · 19/07/2015 11:41

Op, what time of the month is it for you? You seem to have a lot of anger right now. Just take a deep breath and remember you'll probably feel more yourself in a few days (hugs)

[runs]

LazyLouLou · 19/07/2015 11:41

Oh I don't know. I did call a colleague a sexist Welsh pillock, loudly, in a crowded staff room.

He was utterly incensed about the word "Welsh" being use as an insult. Or was it just that he acknowledged he is a sexist pillock? Either way he deserved it and it wasn't the worst he was called over the 3 years I worked with him.

JadeJaderson · 19/07/2015 12:01

Lazylou - he was right to be angry.

Nasty Scottish prick

Violent English bastard

Etc...why would you? Why put his country of origin in there if not meant as an insult, which says more about you than him.

Maybe I'm a little sensitive being Welsh. But, if I was called a...useless bitch at work (and I was)...fair enough. If you called me a useless Welsh bitch I'd be reporting you and doing my best to get you fired.

LazyLouLou · 19/07/2015 12:26

Oh, I do know that! Believe me I do. You'd have to know him to understand.

That he was fired might give you an idea of just how unpleasant he was. Many people were pushed well beyond common decency by his total lack of manners/self awareness. I was not proud of myself and I did go to HR to report the incident.

I am sure that you, as a Welsh person, are proud of your heritage but would not dream of shoving your given superiority down everyone elses throat, telling them they were "fuckwits" if they disagreed with him - including the head of department, which is what got him sacked.

My only defence is he started it

"Scouse twat" is not a term I respond well to!

LazyLouLou · 19/07/2015 12:28

Oh, and I was his immediate line manager, his comment (said whilst standing over me, shaking with rage) came after I asked him to do his own paperwork in a timely manner without pushing it onto the most junior colleague.

paxtecum · 19/07/2015 12:37

There are many threads on here started by women who are feeling much more emotional than usual and short tempered because they have PMT.

They get sympathetic replies.

It is a fact of life that many women have PMT.

But he is a dick for talking about it.

limitedperiodonly · 19/07/2015 12:41

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. He sounds like the sort of person who'll give you plenty more chances to speak up.

bstokegirl · 19/07/2015 22:19

Haaa! PMT is something only women are allowed to have and complain about! He probably thought he was being "understanding" rather than patronising, a bit like offering a pregnant woman a seat on the Tube. No, I don't think YABU, but possibly calling him a patronising twat, is being patronising. Nose in the air, rise above it.

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