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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Break up with him first, or tell him I'm pregnant first?

57 replies

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:17

Sorry, really wasn't sure where to post for this.

I'm pregnant and found out I'm further gone than expected, yes, I'm 100% keeping my child.
However, before I found out, I've been contemplating how to tell my OH that I'm done.

Thing is, we both want VERY different things in life, and we also argue to a point where I sometimes feel this relationship is toxic. I won't go into too much detail, but it'll be best if we both go our separate ways.

I've tried talking to him about it but not only will he listen with closed ears, he gets angry if I bring up tricky dilemmas and predicament arguments we've been in, and his comment is often ''oh just leave it will you, just forget about it''. Trouble is, I'm done with brushing everything under the carpet because it all rears its nasty head again.

I feel 100% that I don't wish to be in this relationship, it's toxic. I', just not sure how to go about telling him I'm pregnant or telling him I can't do it anymore. The cutting the ribbon I can do, it's just, where do I fit 'I'm pregnant' in? Do I say so after I've finished with him?

I still have a lot of love for him, but when you love someone, you also bear their best interests at heart, aswell as your own.

Of course this is no way easy for me as we live together etc and of course the part I'll find the hardest is the familiarity that's bred contentment.

Thank you ladies x x x

OP posts:

sparechange · 16/07/2015 12:21

"Things haven't been going well for a while, and we both know it. Now we have an added complication which is that I've just found out I'm pregnant. It has made me evaluate what is important and what my priorities should be, and in order to do the best for me and our future child, I think we need to split up, because it isn't doing either of us any good. I'm happy for you to play a part in the child's upbringing, but it is in the best interests of the child if we aren't together and creating a toxic environment full of arguments"

WhetherOrNot · 16/07/2015 12:23

I'm 100% keeping my child.

This ^^ phrase is very telling - it's 'OUR' child, not 'MY' child.

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:24

Tough situation OP, well done you for recognising this relationship may not be the best one to bring DC into.

Do you have somewhere you could go/ stay? If so you might want to consider just packing your things up and moving out. Then meeting with him in a quiet but public place and explain you are pregnant but the relationship has too many problems for you to stay together. Would you be happy to co- parent or do you suspect he would not be a good dad?

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:25

Fantastic post from sparechange

Get yourself sorted, meet up, and give him that

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 16/07/2015 12:26

I'd break it off first, then tell him about the pregnancy. If you do it the other way round and he gets invested in you being a family unit, it will be harder to break away.

I would aim to make the split as amicable as possible.

Original poster

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:26

Sparechange, that's brilliant. My only issue with OH after that would be

I think he'd be against the idea of splitting up completely since their is now a baby involved.

He'd say something along the lines of ''toxic environment of arguments?! You're the one who is always pissing me off and constantly causing me agg. You always do it, every fuucking day''

OP posts:

DJThreeDog · 16/07/2015 12:29

Do you live together? Because if you don't, who cares if he doesn't agree? If one person of a couple wants to split up, unfortunately the other one becomes the loser. Don't stay with him just because he might will definitely object.

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:31

*1. I think he'd be against the idea of splitting up completely since their is now a baby involved.

He'd say something along the lines of ''toxic environment of arguments?! You're the one who is always pissing me off and constantly causing me agg. You always do it, every fuucking day''*

Red flags going up here- he sounds aggressive- has he ever been violent? It doesnt matter if he is against the idea- you want to end the relationship, he cannot force you to stay with him baby or not.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/07/2015 12:31

The answer to 2) is 'Your response is a perfect example of the kind of thing I mean. We're stuck in a cycle of bickering and passing blame back and forth. It's not healthy for either of us and would be harmful for a child to grow up around. We will do better for the baby if we separate and try to co-parent amicably."

Original poster

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:31

Hi ladies, thank you for your input.
I'm more than happy for him to be fully involved in our child's life, no questions asked. I'd move in with my parents for a little while.

I wasn't going to play happy families (not that I think he'd be thrilled anyway), and then just leave, It was more along the lines of do I break it off and text/meet up that I'm pregnant, or just do it all in one go.

Oh, and do you think it's reasonable to break the news of a breakup in a public place, such as our pub restraunt we go to? We both work so don't have enormous amounts of time on our hands, and that's really easy to go to.

OP posts:

DJThreeDog · 16/07/2015 12:31

Regarding 2. use t as an opportunity to say this is why you're over the relationship.

'Well if that's how you feel, why on earth do you want to stay together?! Normal couples don't feel like that you know - and your want to stay together doesn't my need to not'.

Then wave and leave.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/07/2015 12:32

The answer to 1) is that he doesn't get to decide for both of you whether or not you stay in a relationship. If you decide you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, he doesn't get to countermand that.

DJThreeDog · 16/07/2015 12:33

Yes do it public. Otherwise your resolve might not be so strong and you can't extricate yourself so easily if you need to.

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:33

Oh, and do you think it's reasonable to break the news of a breakup in a public place

I think from what you have described it should be a public place or a place with other people, but doesnt have to be a noisy restaurant or pub.

sparechange · 16/07/2015 12:33

I think he'd be against the idea of splitting up completely since their is now a baby involved.

"I'm happy for you to have a full part in the upbringing of this child, but we can't do that while we are together"

He'd say something along the lines of ''toxic environment of arguments?! You're the one who is always pissing me off and constantly causing me agg. You always do it, every fuucking day''

"If I'm making you so unhappy, I think that confirms why we need to split up. Obviously pregnancy hormones are going to make things worse, and my priority is keeping this baby happy and stress-free, which means us not arguing all the time. And if you think I'm always pissing you off, I'm sure you'll agree that it is best for us that we aren't together"

Original poster

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:33

Hi again, yes he is quite offensive sometimes in the way he speaks, and it's often in a jokey way, although he knows it hurts me but replies ''You've got no sense of humour'' ''You are no fun'' etc.

He's never been violent physically, no.

OP posts:

DJThreeDog · 16/07/2015 12:33

OTheHuge - everything you have said is what I am trying to say!

I'm tripping over my own tongue today even in text.

60sname · 16/07/2015 12:35

1. I think he'd be against the idea of splitting up completely since their is now a baby involved.

The best advice I ever had re relationships/break-ups is 'you don't need the other person's permission'.

2. He'd say something along the lines of ''toxic environment of arguments?! You're the one who is always pissing me off and constantly causing me agg. You always do it, every fuucking day''

And, he sounds like a tool.

60sname · 16/07/2015 12:36

( sparechange's answers may have been more constructive than mine)

Original poster

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:36

Although, he's always led me to believe that I'm too sensitive, which I've never had an issue with/been told in other areas of life. But maybe he's right, I don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:37

60sname, what do you mean by a tool? I don't know what that means if I'm 100% honest lol. Do tell ;)

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:38

The clue in your last post OP is he has led me to believe you haven't had issues with this in other areas of your life this is coming from him and your perfectly normal responses to his occasional nastiness.

ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:39

'Tool' just means hes a bell- end really OP

Original poster

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:43

I get what you mean ollieplimsoles, as it's also often one rule for me and one rule for him. Example: he loses his nut (in silence) and storms about when he cannot find his card/keys (which is often), however, Monday I couldn't find my phone and asked if he'd help me look.

All I got was a groany ''You're not looking hard enough. I bet if I get up off this chair I'll fuucking find it like that''

OP posts:

Preminstreltension · 16/07/2015 12:46

Not sure if this is what you meant but don't tell someone they are going to become a father by text. Unless they are a violent lunatic that you are not safe with.

This is an important conversation you need to attempt to have properly even if he can't manage that. You have to do things the right way.

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