Break up with him first, or tell him I'm pregnant first?

[Yummysalads]

Sorry, really wasn't sure where to post for this.

I'm pregnant and found out I'm further gone than expected, yes, I'm 100% keeping my child.
However, before I found out, I've been contemplating how to tell my OH that I'm done.

Thing is, we both want VERY different things in life, and we also argue to a point where I sometimes feel this relationship is toxic. I won't go into too much detail, but it'll be best if we both go our separate ways.

I've tried talking to him about it but not only will he listen with closed ears, he gets angry if I bring up tricky dilemmas and predicament arguments we've been in, and his comment is often ''oh just leave it will you, just forget about it''. Trouble is, I'm done with brushing everything under the carpet because it all rears its nasty head again.

I feel 100% that I don't wish to be in this relationship, it's toxic. I', just not sure how to go about telling him I'm pregnant or telling him I can't do it anymore. The cutting the ribbon I can do, it's just, where do I fit 'I'm pregnant' in? Do I say so after I've finished with him?

I still have a lot of love for him, but when you love someone, you also bear their best interests at heart, aswell as your own.

Of course this is no way easy for me as we live together etc and of course the part I'll find the hardest is the familiarity that's bred contentment.

Thank you ladies x x x

If he sulks for months and refuses to meet you OP then he is going to miss out on those moments with you and it will only be his fault.

I think its best to tell him sooner rather than later, as others have said, pregnancy is seriously hard work, you could have health problems and the scans and tests can be stressful, you need someone rock solid by your side because you feel so vulnerable some times. Trust me you will not like someone like that around you when you get further along.

The thing is, he doesn't have to agree with you. You can say that you don't want to be with him anymore, you're unhappy and think he is too. I would tell him you're pregnant on a separate occasion later, not too much later though.

Well I don't have much choice Quint, he has to be in s/his life.

How old are you salads? Some of the things you're saying sound quite naive. It's good that you have your mum to support you though.

I would tell him everything at once, and either do it in public or at home but with someone else present. Both to minimise the chances of him kicking off. He sounds like a tool as a pp has said, you'll be well rid.

He also sounds as if he has the capacity to be mean and manipulative. OP, get your ducks lined up...gather your paperwork and belongings (could you take a day off work secretly?) Take your stuff to you mum's and then meet him in a public place where you are safe. Tell him you are pregnant and have decided to move out due to x,y and z.

He will, of course be shocked and probably angry. Keep it short and go. Emphasise that if he acts in a calm and rational manner he will have involvement in your child's life. Some separated couples do manage scans, AN appointments and the birth together, many do not.

But I cannot see how you will tell him you are pregnant and leaving then go home together and put the dinner on? Doesn't really work, does it? Is it a jointly owned or rented property? Think all these things through before you act. Then do it swiftly and safely.

Nb. Don't know how you feel about the constant swearing and sneering at you but this is abusive in itself. Not normal and yes, more research does indeed ack up the damage this environment does to children. Even unborn ones.

I would sort out your plans - where are you going to live? do you have your own bank account? Have all your important documents, photographs and possessions sorted and safe.

There are a lot of red flags in the things you've said, especially about him being against/not letting the relationship end. The fact you are having his baby would give him another hold over you and I certainly wouldn't tell him about the baby before you end the relationship.

I'd get yourself ready and then do something like sparechange suggested and do it in public or with someone else around for your own safety.

If he chooses to huff and puff and miss parts of the baby journey then that is his choice.

Well, he just threatened to burn me with his cigarette butt if I don't change the bloody song I had on MY laptop playing, he wanted something he liked on instead. I think he realised when I flipped out that it wasn't acceptable behaviour.

Yes I do have my own bank account, and the flat is in his name, I just pay bills.

I'll be living with my Mum and Dad for quite a while, which isn't great, but it's home and she'll have me for as long as I need/want, in fact she'd keep me there forever if she really could.