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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break up with him first, or tell him I'm pregnant first?

57 replies

Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:17

Sorry, really wasn't sure where to post for this.

I'm pregnant and found out I'm further gone than expected, yes, I'm 100% keeping my child.
However, before I found out, I've been contemplating how to tell my OH that I'm done.

Thing is, we both want VERY different things in life, and we also argue to a point where I sometimes feel this relationship is toxic. I won't go into too much detail, but it'll be best if we both go our separate ways.

I've tried talking to him about it but not only will he listen with closed ears, he gets angry if I bring up tricky dilemmas and predicament arguments we've been in, and his comment is often ''oh just leave it will you, just forget about it''. Trouble is, I'm done with brushing everything under the carpet because it all rears its nasty head again.

I feel 100% that I don't wish to be in this relationship, it's toxic. I', just not sure how to go about telling him I'm pregnant or telling him I can't do it anymore. The cutting the ribbon I can do, it's just, where do I fit 'I'm pregnant' in? Do I say so after I've finished with him?

I still have a lot of love for him, but when you love someone, you also bear their best interests at heart, aswell as your own.

Of course this is no way easy for me as we live together etc and of course the part I'll find the hardest is the familiarity that's bred contentment.

Thank you ladies x x x

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/07/2015 12:47

He sounds utterly shit to be with and the best thing for both you and the baby is (imo) to break it off.

Public meet up - things havebt been great for a while, I want us to separate. I was intending to do this a week ago but have since discovered I am pregnant so have needed a bit of thinking time. The pregnancy doesnt change how I feel about you, and you can be as involved as you want in the babys life.

Original poster
Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:48

Sometimes I wonder if I should really try and ride things through, as this pregnancy would be so much nicer to have my partner at ultrasounds to see baby/seeing his first child be born, even if I do have the support of my Mum as a replacement.

It just sucks going through all this as a single Mum :( I won't hide my disappointment. Then my common sense kicks in.. And I KNOW I'm doing the right thing.

(Not having your partner at ultrasounds/births still sucks though, I won't deny it)

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 16/07/2015 12:50

I think you are being very honest about it OP, being a single mum is very hard but it can be the best thing for yourself and for your DC if you live separately. It might be a case of 'crap partner, fantastic dad'.

I think you need to make a pro and con list

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/07/2015 12:51

I'd end the relationship first because it sounds as though you had already decided to end it before you found out you were pregnant and I think giving both pieces of news at the same time would link them in his head. You're not leaving because you're pregnant. You're leaving because the relationship doesn't work and I think announcing the pregnancy at the same time would complicate that message.

I would tell him about the pregnancy once you have moved out. He sounds as though he'll be angry so I'd also prepare yourself for the fact that he may question if the baby is his.

Flowers well done on breaking off this toxic relationship and building a happier future for you and your baby.

sparechange · 16/07/2015 12:56

He can still come to scans with you, but you do not need to be walking on eggshells or worrying about another blazing row.
You said you are further along that you realised, but do you know how many weeks you are?
All I needed when I was pregnant was zero smells in the house (and DH obliged while doing all the cooking), a bed and the occasional cuddle (as long as it wasn't too firm and didn't touch my boobs). Oh, and someone to quietly help and sort it out when I forgot where I'd left things/put washing tablets in the dishwasher/take the car keys out of the fridge
If your mum can oblige, you aren't going to miss too much apart, so you really don't need to ride this out...

contractor6 · 16/07/2015 12:57

Beng pregnant is hard work, so unless dp.is 100% supportive to you (not just the pregnant you) it'll be hard, if my dp was like that id be back at my mums like a shot. Do your parents know btw, are they supportive? I would opt for telling him.of break up and let digest first, but also tell him.pregnancy at same time. Do you have someone who can be on hand outside pub for support? Flowers Ps congratulations on pregnancy xx

Original poster
Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 12:58

If I don't tell him about the pregnancy straight away, when DO I tell him? (Sorry if I sound demanding lol).

I loved Sparechange's way of putting things, and she included about the pregnancy at the sam time. But perhaps that's not suitable?

In reality, if you REALLY piss my OH off, (which this will leave him ultra pissed), he will under no circumstances cool off within a short time frame and agree to meet me, it'll probably take months for him to agree. He's just one of those.

So I may have no choice but to text him my pregnancy if he won't see me/answer his phone to me? His family are amazingly stubborn so I'm convinced it's genetic.

I can't see any other way, and I most certainly don't want him hearing it from someone else.

OP posts:
whothehellknows · 16/07/2015 13:03

OP, beware. I don't say this to be dramatic, but the times when women are at most increased risk of domestic violence are a) when you try to leave, and b) when you become pregnant. You're doing both at once, with a man who sounds like he has anger management issues.

Leave an emergency bag at your mums in case you need to leave rapidly. Tell him face somewhere public and ask someone to accompany you if you think he'll lose his temper.

Original poster
Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 13:03

Hi contractor6, my Mum knows but I've held her the an oath not to breathe a word to anyone at the moment. I'm only about 9 weeks, won't know for sure until my supposed 12 week scan.

I just think I'm missing out on the magical experience of giving birth and having the Father witness it. And that magic moment (if all goes to plan with baby's health), when Mum holds baby for the first time and the couple exchange a kiss of pure joy and love. Cries as she types this lol Grin

OP posts:
contractor6 · 16/07/2015 13:06

Defo tell him the same tome then, could you also give him scan date, then he has all necessary info and you don't need to stress about him ignoring texts and not having the date. Most places you can take two into scans so you could always have someone there if hw doesn't turn up. Fwiw I think you are being very reasonable and considerate towards him, I hope he does the same for you.

Original poster
Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 13:06

Whothehellknows, why would a woman be at an increased risk of domestic violence if pregnant? I can understand the leaving part but not the pregnant bit. Sorry if I sound naïve, I'm really just intrigued as I generally haven't got a clue.

He's never laid a finger on me before though, apart from finding it funny to torture me around the living room, making me think he'd touch me with his lighter :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 13:08

Thank you, contractor6, I hope that he does too. I really do.

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 16/07/2015 13:11

From what you have just said, I'd tell him at the same time. I'd also emphasize that you want him to play an active part in the baby's life, including going to scans etc. You could say that the first one is coming up in a few weeks and you would hope he would be there for it

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 16/07/2015 13:12

Woah!!! Just seen that about the lighter - WTF??

contractor6 · 16/07/2015 13:13

Yummy, I am 31 weeks not sure that the birth is magical (unless in a scary way?) as for the father not being there to witness it, well only a few year back fathers didn't and didnt do our generation any harm..also from recent friends stories father aren't that much support in labour, just someone to get angry or annoyed at. My DH almost was unavailable around due date and I rang my mum to check she could step in, shes also been to mw with me, its a special time for her too and if your as close to your dm as I'm to mine then she be all support needed

Original poster
Yummysalads · 16/07/2015 13:26

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty, he didn't actually touch me with it, nor did he intend to.

OP posts:
Eva50 · 16/07/2015 13:32

I would move all your stuff to to your mums and then tell him the relationship is over and you are moving out. You would be better to wait until after the 12 week scan to tell him of your pregnancy as you will know your dates and that all is well.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/07/2015 13:38

Break up with him first.

Then when you are safely away from him tell him about the baby.

FishWithABicycle · 16/07/2015 13:45

I just think I'm missing out on the magical experience of giving birth and having the Father witness it. And that magic moment (if all goes to plan with baby's health), when Mum holds baby for the first time and the couple exchange a kiss of pure joy and love.

This fantasy would only happen if you were in an entirely different relationship to the one you have. It cannot happen with this man.

I wouldn't tell him about the pregnancy until you are moved out and have established your life independently. At the very least wait till the 12 week scan before telling him. Do not wait till then to move out though.

Well done op you seem to have your head screwed on right. It is great that the prospect of a child entering your life has given you the impetus to get out of this unpleasant dynamic.

LurcioAgain · 16/07/2015 13:54

Yummy - there's a well established statistical link with DV starting during pregnancy - so much so that your midwife will ask you about it explicitly in your booking-in visit. As to why, I don't know - probably the (fucked-up) reasons are a mixed bag of "she's vulnerable", "I'm no longer the centre of the universe", "because I can"... Your comment about the lighter does indeed ring big warning bells for me. It doesn't matter that he didn't touch you with it - you didn't know that at the time (you were scared) and his intention was to scare you. The intention was to cause psychological harm, and he achieved that.

Personally, the order I'd go for would be:

  1. Move stuff to your mum's.
  1. Tell him in a public place with your mum/reliable friends within calling distance.
isupposeitsverynice · 16/07/2015 13:55

He sounds abusive. And with the lighter "hilarity" I would not be taking the risk of his abuse escalating. Personally I would be sending a text after the birth.

Women's Aid

EWAB · 16/07/2015 14:30

Don't underestimate risk of DV. Be well out of there before you tell him and don't agree to anything re: contact etc until hormones are settled. Put you and baby first.

Blazing88 · 16/07/2015 14:35

Would you want him involved in the child's life?

If the answer is no, I wouldn't even tell him you are pregnant. Split with him and have nothing more to do with him.

If he's a nightmare now, dear god, can you imagine having to share you baby with him??! (and you did say 'my' baby, not 'our' )

bettysviolin · 16/07/2015 14:41

All you need to do is imagine how you'd want to hear the news if you were him. Tell him about the baby first. Let that sink in. Then tell him you can't live in the toxic atmosphere anymore and you intend to leave but will be completely fair and adult about his right to involvement with his child at all stages (including ultrasounds etc.)

QuintShhhhhh · 16/07/2015 14:41

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Do you seriously want a person like that in your babys life? Shared parenting, or weekends with dad, if he has such a temper? He sounds abusive, manipulative and SCARY as heck.

I would move out and ON!